The Line Between Giving Up and Giving In
by rayrae118
Summary: It was an old nightmare, suppressed for years; because what good did it do to dwell on the past? It wouldn't change anything. Until one day, it wasn't the past anymore. The nightmare had come back to life, the monster had come out of the closet, and he'll need his friends, now, more than ever before. Tarsus warnings apply.
1. Chapter 1

**I know I keep saying this, but I really shouldn't be starting another story when I already have so many I need to finish. But those damn muses! When they get a hold of me, they do not let go easily. So here it is, my first multi-chapter Star Trek story. Hope you like!**

**Tarsus-ish story, so sort of standard disclaimers for that, though I'm doing it differently than in the TV show, so sorry if that offends anyone.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, as much as I might wish otherwise.**

Christopher Pike looked at the report in front of him and swore. Loudly. Luckily he was in his office, so there was no one around to frown at him or ask what was wrong.

He leaned back in his chair and absentmindedly rubbed his hip. Doctor McCoy had done an excellent job, but as one got older, ones ability to rebound from serious injury diminished greatly. And Pike was not a young man. He was able to walk, a testament to the doctor's skill, but he was constantly plagued by aches and pains that tended to assault different parts of his body at inopportune times, and mostly when he was dealing with stress in other parts of his life. Right now, for example, he was experiencing the sharp pain that he normally associated with being stabbed. In his hip. It really was annoying.

But Admiral Pike had other things on his mind, and this irritating sting would just have to take a back seat. He re-read the report, just to make sure he hadn't misunderstood it, and then sighed, reaching over to open a comm. to the _Enterprise_. It was only a matter of seconds before he was connected, and he forced himself to keep his face blank as he battled a brief bout of jealousy. For a brief time, that had been _his _bridge. If it hadn't been for a crazy Romulan, it would still be his.

But this resentment was almost four years old, and was useless. Wallowing in self-pity did little to help anyone.

"Admiral Pike, what can I do for you?" Jim interrupted his thoughts, bringing him back to the present.

He stared at the captain for a moment, assessing. The younger man looked calm and confident in the chair he had held for the last almost four years. Pike could see hints of both the boy he had been and the man he would become, _was already becoming_. There was a trace of steel in his steady gaze, and he thought he could see a small bit of worry, as the silence drew on and he had yet to say something.

He glanced around the bridge briefly, noting Spock sitting erect at his station, Uhura next to him monitoring the link, Chekov and Sulu at the helm, and for some reason, McCoy, leaning against the railing next to Jim, a scowl on his face that seemed a touch deeper than normal, indicating that he had perhaps interrupted an argument of some sort. He was slightly proud of himself for coming up with that conclusion; it seemed his effort to get to know this crew over the last few years had really paid off. It didn't hurt that McCoy and Jim were practically joined at the hip, so whenever he and the young captain had managed to get together in person, the good doctor almost always tagged along. Not to mention that McCoy seemed to be hovering in the background in roughly eighty percent of the personal calls he made to Jim's quarters.

"Admiral?" Pike blinked and looked back at Jim. The worry was easy to read now, as the captain leaned forward slightly in his seat. "Is everything all right?"

Chris sighed softly and looked over Jim's shoulders. "Lieutenant Uhura, if you wouldn't mind patching this through to the captain's ready room?" Though it was phrased as a question, there was no doubt he expected it to be obeyed. His last view of the bridge showed confused faces all around, before Jim levered himself out of his chair. The next moment, the screen changed to an empty room.

**XXX**

"Do you think there's a problem?" Sulu asked, turning in his seat to watch his captain as the image of the admiral disappeared, replaced by stars once more.

Jim stopped walking and turned to face his crew. He was far more worried than he was willing to let on in front of them, so he made sure his face showed nothing but a relaxed calm. It was a façade he had put on often, and thus was quite familiar with every lie that was sown into it. "I'm sure everything is fine," he assured, answering the pilot's question but speaking to the room.

"Vat do you tink iss wrong?" Chekov chimed in, also facing the captain, accent as thick as ever.

Jim almost sighed. Almost. Instead, he forced a smile out, sure that every single one of them could tell it was fake, and replied, "I don't know, Chekov, but I will let you know as soon as I do."

"Jim…" McCoy trailed off, studying his friend carefully. He had seen the look Pike had given Jim. It was the same look he often found himself using, when he was sure the captain couldn't see him. Worried, assessing, searching for information… because Jim Kirk hid a lot of himself from the world. McCoy knew that, even as he knew that the truths the kid had shared with him didn't even cover half of the horrors he had seen in his short life. An emotionally absent mother and an abusive stepfather were definitely enough, he knew that, but he also knew his friend. And Jim had suffered far more than that, if the traits and habits he had observed and the multitude of scars and old injuries on the captain's body were anything to go by.

Jim turned his phony smile to the doctor, and knew that in doing that, he was making a fatal error. Because McCoy could always tell when he was lying. He frequently called him on his bullshit.

But right now, the doctor didn't say anything. He knew it was all fake, but he kept silent, and let his captain disappear into his ready room.

The room remained silent in his absence, all thoughts focused on the private conversation going on behind closed doors, and wondering just what was wrong.

**XXX**

Jim closed and locked the door behind him before turning to the screen. His fake smile dropped immediately, giving way to very real concern, as he saw the serious and slightly pained expression of the admiral before him.

"Chris?" he said lightly, sitting down at his desk, leaning back in his chair and resting his hands in his lap. "You're kind of making me nervous. Is there something wrong?"

Pike swallowed and looked down, fiddling with something out of reach. Finally, he looked back at the captain sitting in front of him, regarding him as if it was only a piece of furniture that separated them, rather than several galaxies. "I just sent you a file, Jim." His voice was soft, comforting, and also pained. He truly did not want to have to be the one to share this, but he knew he was probably one of the only ones who had ever put together the pieces. The records were sealed for everyone but the highest of security clearances. The number of people who had this information could probably be counted on one hand.

Jim looked at his PADD, waiting for the file to come through. "Is there something particular about this I need to know?" he asked, glancing back up.

Chris grimaced. Jim felt his stomach drop several inches. "A man was found on a remote planet two weeks ago. He goes by the name Anton Karidian, but he was determined to be a fugitive that has eluded capture for over fifteen years now."

Jim nodded absentmindedly as his PADD pinged, notifying him of the arrival of the report. Pike's eyes filled with sympathy as he watched his protégé open the file, knowing that the first thing he would see was a picture of a nightmare come back to haunt him.

The captain furrowed his brow, confused as he listened to the admiral's explanation – though at this moment, it felt more like a lack of one – but he was more focused on the report in front of him. The file opened, and Jim's face went from its normal complexion to ashen in a matter of milliseconds, as the PADD clattered to the floor.

_A short little intro, but we'll get more into it as things move along. Let me know what you think, any suggestions, I do listen to them, and oftentimes things I read in reviews influence future chapters! As for pairings… right now I'm planning a gen fic, though I'm not ruling out any pairs. If there's one in particular you want to see, drop me a review and let me know! No guarantees, but everything's pretty open right now. _

_In conclusion… please review! I love them, they totally make my day, and they convince me to keep going even when the muses abandon me (as we all know muses do… and far more often than any of us would like)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow! I put up chapter one, and had ten reviews within twenty-four hours of posting! I love you guys!**

**Next chapter! I have really gotten into Star Trek recently, as is evidenced by my explosion of stories in that universe, and my neglect of all my others… I have a fickle mind. And a really short attention span. Oh well. **

**But I'm feeling good about this – I'm writing it all now while I have the interest and the momentum. I'm trying to do this smart, so rather than posting new chapters as soon as they're done – what I've done with every story so far, and usually leads to a bunch of updates every day for a week or so, and then months and months without anything – I'm aiming to have an update out once a week. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with that. **

**I'm glad people are telling me what kinds of relationships they want, though once again, I make no promises. And I'm sorry for those who asked for it, but I'm not a huge Spirk fan. I like the two of them as really good friends, but I don't see a relationship in their future – at least not in this story. But I'm not saying no to McKirk. It's possible. But for right now, we're just keeping it gen. There is a chance I'll add some Sulu/Chekov, so we'll see.  
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**Disclaimer: still not mine.**

"Not possible," Jim mumbled into his hands, slouched forward as he tried to erase the image he had just seen.

He had just been a child at the time, barely fourteen years old, when a monster had climbed out of the shadows and consumed the world. Or at least, his world. They had said he was dead. He had never believed them. And now, here was proof.

He lifted his head slightly, just enough so that he could glare over his hands at the admiral watching him so carefully. "Would you mind explaining to me just how you knew what this would mean to me, _Admiral_?" he queried blandly, but with a definite bite to his words. He knew for a fact that those with the clearance to access that part of his file was limited to maybe two people. Christopher Pike was not one of them.

Pike sighed, rubbing his own face wearily. He was slightly disconcerted to see the redness of the captain's eyes, and the telltale glistening, though he wisely chose not to comment on it. "You think you're the only one in Starfleet who knows how to hack?" he asked, lowering his hand and fixing his piercing gaze on the man in front of him. As sharp as it was, his eyes were full of gentleness; no one would be able to mistake the caring and concern. The gaze softened now, and Pike slumped slightly in his seat. "Shit, Jim… You know how I like answers almost as much as I hate questions. And you've got a lot of those surrounding you, kid. I just wanted to know _why_. Tarsus was _not_ what I was expecting to find." His eyes narrowed as he saw the younger man flinch at the name, even as his posture stayed the same, head buried in his hands.

"Why are you showing me this?" Jim asked, voice muffled as he refused to sit up. He didn't trust himself not to completely break down right now, and he _really_ didn't want the admiral to witness that. Knowing that he had been there was one thing, but _nobody_ knew details. Except him. And his kids. The survivors could understand, because they had been there. They knew what it was like, so they could relate. Jim didn't need someone nodding their head in false comprehension. He was more than happy to keep his nightmares locked up in a vault in the back of his mind.

"He's being brought back to Earth for trial," Pike replied, straight and to the point. He hadn't spent seven years getting to know this kid for nothing. So he knew exactly what Jim needed right now, and it wasn't pity. It wasn't even sympathy. Kirk needed to get the hell out of this room, barricade himself in his quarters, and cut himself off from the world for twelve hours. Though perhaps McCoy would be able to force himself into that plan. Pike would see what he could do in that arena, if and when it came to that. "As far as I know, there are only three of you left who can identify him. You would be getting an official call within the next few days, but I saw the report, and I figured it might be slightly better coming from someone you knew."

Jim snorted. Like hearing it from Pike or some nameless face would ever make it better. The admiral seemed to know it too, which was… nice. Really nice, actually. He knew there was a reason he had never written Pike off like he had the rest of them. In the back of his mind, he started making plans to get in touch with some of the kids he had been able to track down after it was all over. Not that any of them knew he had been keeping track of them, he had been very discrete. And of those who would also be called to testify… well, he figured it was time and passed that Kevin and Tom learned his real name. Before everything went to hell, he was just 'Jimmy'… afterwards, it had been much easier to just tell them to call him 'JT'. JT was an adult's name. It was the name of someone who knew what he was doing. It was the name of someone those kids could place their trust in. And later, that anonymity had probably saved him. He didn't want to think what could have happened if Kodos had realized he had the son of a Federation hero in his clutches. He wondered if the others had been contacted yet; probably not, since he didn't think they had someone like Pike looking out for them. They would probably have to wait for an official message. He wasn't sure what had happened to the other six witnesses; he had made sure to keep tabs on Tom and Kevin, though, since they had been his kids before becoming part of the Tarsus Nine. Pike had said there were only three left. The implications behind that worried him.

"Thanks for the heads up," he said dryly, sarcasm clearly evident. "We'll start heading back to Earth immediately… unless I'm just supposed to leave my ship to come back?"

Pike shook his head. "Your official orders are to head back for upgrades and a much needed shore leave."

Jim nodded, and finally looked up. There was a haunted look in his eyes that had the admiral reeling. "Thanks," he said again, this time much more genuine.

Pike could see that he meant it; as bad as it was, he knew that Jim was glad it had been him to call. "I'll see you soon," he replied, before the link cut off. He let out a large sigh, rubbing his face once more, weariness overtaking every other emotion for the moment. He really was getting too old for this.

**XXX**

Jim stayed where he was for several minutes. He couldn't believe this was happening. Why couldn't Kodos have died fifteen years ago, like they all said he had? Why now?

He knew that, eventually, he would have to go back out to the bridge, but first he needed to get a grip on his emotions.

Finally, after several more minutes, he pulled himself back together and stood up. Taking an extra few seconds to make sure his mask was firmly in place, he exited the room.

All eyes turned to him, and he felt himself waver slightly, especially as he locked eyes with his best friend.

McCoy knew something was wrong the moment he saw Jim. The younger man looked like he had seen a ghost. Whatever he had discussed with the admiral could not have been good.

Jim looked around briefly, before focusing on Sulu and Chekov. "New orders," he said tersely, professionalism dripping from his voice. "We've been requested to return to Earth." Without waiting for a response, he immediately turned and headed towards the 'lift. "Mr. Spock, you have the conn."

With that, he disappeared, leaving confusion in his wake. The pilot and navigator turned back to their stations, laying in the new course, before focusing once again on the crew, and the conversation unfolding.

"What the hell was that?" Uhura asked, forgoing the professional attitude, more worried for her friend at the moment.

As always, they all turned to McCoy. He had known Jim the longest, and therefore it stood to reason that he would know what had their captain so on edge now.

But they were sorely disappointed as the doctor simply shrugged, eyes still focused on the turbolift, thoughts on the man who had disappeared into it.

"McCoy?"

He turned back to look at Uhura. The depth of pain she saw in his eyes surprised her. He was clearly very worried about his friend, and his anxiety made her even more concerned.

"I really don't know, lieutenant," he replied, remaining professional while systematically locking away all the emotions raging behind his calm façade. Why did he always feel like he was grasping at straws with Jim? Why did there always have to be something more? He glanced around at the rest of the command crew. Sulu and Chekov also looked apprehensive, and even Spock seemed… worried. The fact that he could actually sort of read the Vulcan now definitely freaked him out more than it should. But after four years, he could admit that the two of them had sort of become friends. Well, more friends in that they both considered their wayward captain to be their best friend, and having that common point between them had brought them closer. Jim kept telling him that the Vulcan had a wicked sense of humor, but he really couldn't see it. Still, though, he knew the blank face was a lie most of the time; just because he didn't show emotions didn't mean he didn't feel them.

Without another word, McCoy turned and followed Jim out. Whatever was wrong, he would get to the bottom of it. Because Jim Kirk was his best friend, and he would always be there for him. Even when the insufferable genius didn't want him to be. Because that's what friends did.

**XXX**

If he had done as he had wanted to, McCoy would have missed the call. However, he knew he was still on duty, so he returned to medbay, even though he was only planning on letting them know he wouldn't be there for the rest of his shift, and that they should contact him only if there was an emergency.

He stepped into his office briefly to get some paperwork that needed filling out, when his comm. chimed, letting him know he had an incoming call. He considered ignoring it for all of about two seconds, before deciding that it might be important.

He was glad he answered, as the image of Admiral Pike popped up on screen. McCoy's brow furrowed and he collapsed into his desk chair. "What the hell's going on, admiral?" he asked sharply, not really caring enough to be professional. He was far more concerned about what this man had said to have his captain acting so strange.

Pike let out a long breath of air. He had to remind himself that he really hadn't expected the doctor to be courteous. By now, he deduced that Jim had fully estranged himself from his crew, and was probably back in his room, locked up tightly to all but a medical override. Which meant that McCoy probably had the best chance of getting in to see him.

The silence stretched on for a full minute, before Pike broke it. McCoy simply waited, arms crossed and scowl firmly in place, showing none of the churning feeling in his gut as he watched the man in front of him try to figure out how to put whatever it was into words. As the admiral opened his mouth, McCoy knew immediately that he was about to be told a careful half truth that would not give him any useful information while at the same time have him making a beeline for Jim's room.

"You should talk to Jim," Pike state simply. "I really can't tell you any more than that, but trust me when I say he needs you right now."

The admiral closed the connection before McCoy could respond. "Shit," he muttered to himself, before exiting his office and heading out to find, and hopefully help, his best friend with whatever the hell it was that was wrong now.

_Please REVIEW! =]_


	3. Chapter 3

**No one got the reference. Oh well, I didn't think anyone would. The answer is: the muse in Xanadu's name was Kira...**

**Disclaimer: I only own the story and any names you don't recognize.**

McCoy rang the doorbell for the second time, and then for good measure started pounding. He knew Jim was in there, just like he knew the younger man was attempting to shut everyone out, right when – according to Pike – he needed his friends the most.

After almost a full minute of steady pounding, the door hissed open. McCoy stepped inside, wondering if it were possible for a door to sound that annoyed, or if he was just projecting.

Jim was sitting on the couch, legs curled up underneath him, and a PADD resting on his lap. He was too busy staring at the device to look up as the doctor entered, though he was certainly aware of the presence.

"What do you want, Bones?" he asked wearily. He wasn't surprised by the visit of course; he knew his friend was worried about his display on the bridge.

McCoy was slightly taken aback by the tone of Jim's voice; he sounded defeated, and there was an almost dead-like quality that made the hair on the back of his neck rise. His apprehension went up several notches. He took one more step forward, coming to a rest behind the couch, where he had a good view of the PADD – and a picture of an older man he didn't recognize – settled on his friend's lap. "What's going on, Jim?" he asked simply, resting his hands on the back of the couch. "Who's that?"

Jim didn't look up, snorted, and replied dryly, "An old nightmare come back to haunt me."

McCoy furrowed his brow and leaned forward slightly. He didn't speak, just waited. He knew that that was the best way to get Jim to tell him anything.

Finally, the captain sighed and threw the PADD down next to him, though he still didn't look up from his lap. "He goes by Anton Karidian now, but he's probably more recognizable to the universe as Kodos the Executioner."

The name rang out into the silence, and the doctor struggled to place it. He knew it sounded familiar, but… oh. _Oh_. He had studied the Tarsus massacre at the academy, same as everyone else. It was a favorite topic for the Ethics class every cadet was required to take. The official reports said that Kodos had been killed when Starfleet had arrived. Apparently it was all a lie. But why would this be considered…

His train of thought stopped right there as it all fell into place with startling clarity. Why Jim had practically sleepwalked his way through the class, why his eating habits were so erratic… the scars that covered most of his body no longer had innocent explanations attached. The nightmares he had witnessed nearly every time Jim had crashed in his room… after a long talk in which Jim had finally told him about his childhood, _or well, most of it, apparently, because it seemed now that Jim had left a lot of things out_, he had assumed that those terrors had to do with the kid's stepfather. Evidently, he had been wrong.

"Jim…" he trailed off, not knowing what to say. He knew about the lists, and what was done to those not deemed worthy enough, but… Jim was here, so he hadn't been in that particular group, right? Jesus, he had just been a kid-

"I was twelve," the captain interrupted his thoughts, and he was quick to focus on the younger man, knowing that, as much as he didn't want to hear this story, he had to. He _needed_ to, almost as much as Jim needed to tell it. "Sam had just run away, I drove my dad's car off a cliff-" McCoy winced at the recollection of that particular tale, "And Frank decided he didn't want to deal with me anymore, so he sent me off to live with my mom's sister and brother-in-law." Jim paused for a moment, tangling his fingers together and clearing his throat, feeling the threat of tears burn in his eyes. "Things were great, for a little while. It was the first time I actually felt like someone wanted me around. Marie and Terry were great, and their kids were so excited to have someone new to play with."

Jim stopped talking again, and scrubbed his face with one hand, trying to get rid of the burning feeling in his eyes, suddenly much more tired than he had been an hour ago. McCoy moved quickly, walking around the couch to sit next to his captain, pushing the PADD with its offending photo out of the way. He didn't reach out for Jim, knowing after seven years how to handle his friend when he was like this. It was hard, though; his instincts as a best friend were screaming for him to just give the man a hug. And the fact that he wanted to do that so badly just showed how close he and the idiotic genius had become. Leonard McCoy was not a touchy feely man by any definition.

"It was something like eighteen months after I arrived, when things started to go bad," Jim continued quietly, still speaking into his hand, voice slightly muffled. "Meals got lighter, and there was less to go around. I was out playing with my cousins when the soldiers came. We heard the gunshots. I was a smart kid. I knew things were going to get bad. Terry had made me promise to take care of Cory and Lisa if something happened. A few days before… he showed me this cave not far from the house. It was pretty well hidden, so he thought it might be a good place to hide, if we needed it… When the gun went off, I knew what it meant. I took my cousins to the cave and made them promise to stay there, while I went back to the house."

McCoy had to literally sit on his hands to stop himself from reaching out at the overwhelming sense of loss he heard in Jim's voice. The captain glanced over briefly, before refocusing his gaze downwards. It was much easier to speak to his lap, so he didn't have to try and read the emotions in the doctor's eyes.

His voice broke slightly, and he dropped to a whisper. "They were both dead. The guards were long gone by that point. They just… they shot them, and then just walked away, like nothing had happened. They didn't ransack the house, they didn't move the bodies, they just… left. I didn't have time to bury them, so I grabbed all the supplies I could, and went back to the cave. Luckily Cory and Lisa listened, and they were still there."

"How old were they?" McCoy broke in, curious.

"Thirteen and seven," was the reply. "Cory was pretty smart too, and he knew how serious it was. He was only a year younger, he recognized the signs, same as me. He really helped me a lot over the months it took for Starfleet to show up." That confused the doctor. He heard a hidden meaning in those words, and wondered… but this story was nowhere near done, and he knew better than to interrupt again. If Jim stopped now, he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to finish. "I got them settled, told Cory to keep his sister calm, and to not waste the food. I had to go back out, to see what was happening. Tom was the first one I found. He was fourteen, like me, and he lived near us. We had gotten to be good friends." Here, an old Kirk smile broke in. "He's a genius too, you know. It sort of made sense that we would latch onto each other from the start. Most of the people around us were farmers. It got kind of boring after a while." The smile dropped, and Jim looked up, now focusing on the wall directly opposite him. "I kept him with me, and the two of us searched all the outlying houses. We found three other kids, all younger. I brought everyone back to the cave, and made sure Cory and this other kid, Marcus, would be able to keep them all calm and quiet. They were the oldest, after me and Tom, so it made sense to leave them in charge. We didn't have enough food, so I took Tom, and we snuck into town. It wasn't that late, around dinnertime, but it was so quiet… I could see blood on the walls, there were people lying in the streets." He shuddered. "It felt like they were all watching me, _judging me_, accusing me for surviving when they couldn't."

To hell with it. McCoy latched onto Jim's knee, squeezing reassuringly. He didn't say anything, but the touch was a welcome anchor for the captain. It kept him from disappearing completely into the memories. "We snuck into houses, taking any food we could, as well as blankets, clothing, first aid supplies, whatever we could carry… Kevin was the first survivor we found. He was six. I went into his house and found him sitting next to his dead parents, trying to wake them up." McCoy sucked in a breath, but Jim didn't notice, too caught up in the past. "He wasn't the only one, though. We tried to search as much of the town as possible, looking for any survivors. There were twelve of us, total, when the guards showed up." Another pause, but this one felt different to the doctor. It wasn't about Jim trying to get a grip on his emotion; it felt similar to him trying to figure out how to phrase what had happened, but more like he wasn't sure how to describe a nightmare to someone who had never had one before. You could say words and form sentences, but how did you get someone to understand the raw terror that came with the knowledge that death was imminent, and that there was nothing you could do to change that? For all McCoy had seen and suffered during his life, he had never known that kind of fear.

"I killed them." The admission was loud in the piercing silence of the room. He still couldn't look at the doctor. His gaze was once again focused on his hands in his lap. "They were going to kill us, all of us, and I couldn't let that happen. Not one of us was over fourteen; Kevin was only six, Lena was four, Sha'al only three. They were just kids. We were all just kids. But we never would be again." McCoy knew what he meant by that. He called Jim 'kid' a lot, but he understood that it was more a term of endearment than anything else. Jim Kirk had never really had a chance to be one. "There were three of them. One got off a lucky shot before I tackled him. He hit Tom in the face. Somehow, he hung on until we got back to the cave. We had gathered enough medical supplies that I was able to keep him alive, but without more knowledge or equipment, I couldn't do much more."

McCoy squeezed Jim's knee again, trying to pass along everything he was feeling in that simple gesture. All the pride, and amazement, and concern, in a single touch. But he knew Jim understood when he felt his friend lean in slightly, relaxing one minute bit. He scooted over a bit, until he was pressed up against McCoy, and rested his head on the doctor's shoulder. The faceless names flew out of the captain's mouth: people he had known, kids he had protected. How many of them had he had to watch die? How many were still alive?

And it just kept on coming. "It was… hard." Jim's eyes glazed over as he tried to put into mere words what they had suffered during those months between Kodos' insane decree and when Starfleet had finally showed up. "We were all just waiting for a patrol to find us, keeping a twenty four hour guard, avoiding town whenever possible… I tried to go by myself to get food and supplies… I didn't want to put any of the others in danger… when we did go in groups, I kept it to just me and one other… usually Cory or Marcus. Tom always looked after the rest while we were gone." And there was the dreaded pause, as Jim once again had to stop and concentrate on pushing the tears back.

McCoy hesitantly lifted the hand attached to the captain's knee, and reached up to grasp his shoulder. The silence continued, and McCoy shifted closer to his friend, sensing that this story was about to get a hell of a lot worse.

He was right. Jim cleared his throat, and absentmindedly reached up to cover McCoy's hand with one of his own. It was obvious he wasn't really thinking about the action as he gently pried McCoy's hand off his shoulder, and, interlocking their fingers, brought it down until the entwined limbs were resting in his lap. He was squeezing tightly, and there was nothing reassuring to it; the doctor knew his friend was desperate for an anchor to keep him from disappearing into the memories. If he had to sacrifice the circulation in his hand in order to be that, he would do it willingly. "The patrols started getting closer. I sent most of the group ahead with Cory, and Tom, Kevin, and I stayed behind to get a better idea of where the enemy was, and if we could head them off. I really didn't want Kev to stay, but he wouldn't leave. Kid had just turned seven, but he didn't want to leave me. So I let him stay…." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I've regretted that decision every day since."

McCoy's gut clenched, and he didn't have nearly enough time to set himself before the next confession came. He felt a physical pain as Jim continued, voice still quiet and laced with what the doctor knew was a mixture of grief and anguish. "The patrol found us and took us back to Kodos' palace. I think it was something like two weeks later that Starfleet showed up… I'm not sure, really, though… things got kinda hazy at the end, there."

McCoy winced, feeling his heart drop into his stomach. "What happened at Kodos' palace, Jim?" he asked, voice just as quiet. He felt like he couldn't speak any louder; he had to force the words past numb lips.

The captain glanced at the far wall, his mouth pressing into a thin line as he clenched his jaw. McCoy was instantly on edge; he had suspicions, but looking at his best friend now, he really didn't think he wanted them confirmed. He wasn't sure he could handle the truth.

"You've patched me up a lot over the years, Bones. You've seen it all."

McCoy cursed silently. He had definitely spent a great deal of time over the last seven years making sure Jim's insides stayed where they belonged, and keeping him from bleeding out all over his dorm room – later, the _Enterprise_. He had seen the scars and old injuries mapped out over the younger man's body: evidence of wounds too far gone to be fully mended by the time they had been seen to. He had seen the confirmation of badly healed breaks and fractures during his many tricorder scans. When put together, it all screamed _torture_. And yet he had never asked. Partly because he knew the man wouldn't tell him, but, being honest with himself now, he had to admit that the larger part of him had assumed – or maybe hoped – that they were simply the result of spending every other night in a bar fight for years on end.

And the hits just kept coming. Jim pulled away and stood up. Before McCoy could make any sort of movement – not that he had anything in mind – the captain had pulled off his shirt, baring his back for McCoy to inspect completely for the first time. Usually whenever he let the doctor see him like this, the attention was focused more on whatever orifice he was bleeding from at the moment. Now, there was no distraction.

McCoy swore again, this time not so quietly. He levered himself off the couch and began to examine the injuries, moving between scars, tracing each one with a gentle finger. He felt Jim shudder under his touch.

The pattern was easy to see under the harsh lighting, and McCoy kicked himself for never noticing it before. The scars were too regular, and there were far too many of them. They covered most of his back, and a few curled around his shoulder, disappearing halfway down his chest. A couple were broken by the separation of his back and arms, but McCoy could see how it was the same line that began on his forearm, and continued all the way across to the opposite one. His stomach rolled, and he swallowed, hard, forcing himself to keep his lunch down. How could anyone do this to a _kid_?

It might have been two minutes or two hours, but eventually, Jim turned around, halting the doctor's explorations as he moved, looking for all the world like a man being led to the gallows. He couldn't bring himself to meet McCoy's concerned gaze, afraid of what he might see there.

The doctor refused to let go, however, and kept a light grasp on Jim's arms as he continued to study the younger man. There were scars on his front, as well; light ones faded to mostly white, pink ones that were only too easy to imagine as wounds open and heavily bleeding… even a few McCoy recognized as old burns. They traced down his chest, over his abdomen, and a few that started around his hips, disappearing underneath the pants he was still wearing. It was all so startlingly obvious now.

Jim still seemed to be waiting for something, and McCoy had a sneaking suspicion whatever he suspected, it wasn't anything good. He moved his arms up until they were at his shoulders, and then he was pulling the younger man into a tight hug.

Jim gasped lightly, as he buried his face in the doctor's chest, his own arms seeming to move of their own volition as they encircled his friend's waist.

Nothing more was needed. McCoy would stay like that all night if he had to, but Goddamn it, he would show the kid that he would never leave him.

_Ok, so now it's poll time. Would anyone be interested in reading a separate story that takes place on Tarsus, when all this happens? Review and let me know!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, I got a pretty good response to my poll, so I do plan on writing a companion fic to this story – is it a companion fic? Well, anyway, I plan on writing it, though it probably won't be out for a while. Quite frankly, I have too many stories going on, and I need to start finishing the ones I'm in the middle of before I start any new ones. But I will write it… eventually.**

**Disclaimer: isn't going to change any time soon**

"I'm sorry I never told you."

Jim's voice was muffled by the blue fabric of McCoy's uniform, but the doctor still heard him. He reached up and ruffled his hair lightly, unsure how to comment, but knowing that he probably should say something.

The problem was finding something that wouldn't sound callous or empty. "I understand why you didn't," he finally replied, hugging even tighter, distractedly thinking about how well Jim fit in his arms. It was like two puzzle pieces. By themselves, they didn't make much sense, but put them together and things got clearer. Together, they made each other stronger, they made each other better.

Jim allowed himself to be held for several more minutes, before he began to fidget. McCoy knew what that meant, so he drew back, letting his friend regroup. Jim moved away, picking up his discarded shirt and slowly pulling it back on, his back to the doctor as he took long, steady breaths, pushing the tears back down. Some part of his brain – the part that sounded suspiciously like Bones – told him that it was healthy to cry, that that was the only way he would be able to let it go; but he had spent so long keeping it all in, and he really didn't want to turn into a blubbering mess tonight. He knew that if he opened that gate now, he wouldn't be able to close it again.

However, he also knew that he could be honest around McCoy. The doctor was his best friend, and around him, he didn't have to hide the crushing pain that he had long since begun to associate with the horrors of Tarsus IV. When he turned back around, McCoy was slightly stunned to see such a vulnerable expression on the captain's face. He looked much younger than McCoy had ever seen.

Jim collapsed back onto the couch, scrubbing his face harshly, turning his skin a light pink. McCoy dropped down next to him, feeling completely out of his depth. He still had questions, though, and as much as he just wanted to let his best friend be, and not make him relive any more trauma, he knew he needed those answers. And the more he knew now, the more he would be able to help later.

"What's going on, Jim?" he asked quietly, turning so that he was facing the captain, but this time keeping his hands to himself. "What did you and Pike talk about?"

Jim flinched slightly, so small an action that anyone but the doctor would have missed it. "They found him," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. "Kodos. They're bringing him back to Earth for trial, and they need us to identify him."

McCoy instinctively knew who 'us' was referring to: The Tarsus Nine were talked about in great detail, though their identities were known only to each other, and perhaps one or two of the highest members of Starfleet. McCoy didn't think even the Federation President was privy to that information. They were the only ones on the 'kill' list to see Kodos' face and live to tell about it. In hindsight, McCoy probably should have expected Jim to be one of those select few, after hearing about how he had been captured and taken to the governor's palace, but for some reason, he hadn't made that connection until now. _Shit._ No wonder Pike had looked so serious. No wonder Jim had been so spooked.

"Pike's not supposed to know," Jim said suddenly, much louder and straightforwardly. "I didn't know he did, until today. I didn't even realize he was that good a hacker. He figured it might be easier to hear from him, rather than some Starfleet bigwig who only knows me as a name in a report."

McCoy nodded, in part not trusting his voice at that moment, but also not willing to interrupt again. Jim was talking, he was working it out, and he was doing it in the doctor's presence. He knew the younger man had grown up a lot over the last few years, and seeing the proof of it, knowing that Jim trusted him enough to know his darkest secrets, humbled him to a level he hadn't even believed possible.

Jim started fiddling with his hands, twisting his fingers together and picking at his nails, more of an absentminded act than anything else. "I'm not sure I can live through it again, Bones." His voice took on a pleading tone. "If they ask me about what he did, or what I saw… If they ask about the things I was forced to do… I don't think I can let myself go back there. Not again. I'm not sure I could survive it a second time."

He sounded so broken; McCoy couldn't just sit there and let him fall down this hole of depression. He reached out and settled his arm around Jim's shoulders, pulling him closer. "I understand, Jim, but you know there's one huge difference between then and now."

"What's that?" Jim asked wearily, turning his head slightly and losing himself in the fabric of McCoy's science blues. That smell was so uniquely Bones, it had an instant calming factor on him. He felt himself relaxing, almost against his will, though he welcomed the relief.

McCoy smiled, resting his chin on Jim's head and pulling him even closer in his one-armed hug. "Now, you've got me," he answered matter-of-factly. "And I'm not going anywhere."

It was said so simply, so succinctly, that Jim couldn't help but believe him.

"And it's not just me," McCoy continued, feeling the captain stiffen slightly in his arms. "Spock, and Uhura. Chekov, Sulu, Scotty. They're _your_ crew, Jim, and they all want you to know how much you mean to them." He felt, more than heard the snort his friend let out, and he smirked slightly. "Yes, even Spock. I can admit that I've seen how much he cares about you. I still think he's a pointy-eared hobgoblin though."

Jim let out a grunt of laughter that sounded slightly more hysterical than it should, indicating the younger man was on the verge of losing it.

McCoy waited until he had calmed down slightly, his breath still coming in short bursts, but at least he wasn't gasping anymore. "I mean it," he said quietly but with passion. He truly believed what he was saying, and he wanted Jim to believe it too. "We won't let you go through this alone. But Jim, you have to trust us. It's been four years; if you don't trust your command crew by now, we've got bigger problems."

"I do trust them," Jim argued, pulling himself back and looking at the doctor beseechingly. "I trust them with my life, I trust them with the lives of everyone on this ship."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," McCoy cut in. "These people come to you with their problems. You were the first one Uhura talked to after she and Spock broke up. Coincidentally, Spock did as well. Chekov and Sulu both went to you first to talk about their quote unquote _secret_ feelings. It's because of you that those kids finally pulled their heads out of their asses and realized how perfect they are for each other. Chekov went to you, even before Sulu, when his mother got sick. Scotty went to you for help getting his younger brother accepted into the Academy. Can't you see that they all trust you? Why can't you reciprocate?"

"Because it's not the same thing!" Jim replied angrily. "I talk to them about things, I do! I work out with Sulu and Chekov, Uhura has asked for my help in communications several times and we've had some pretty nice evenings translating stuff. Scotty and I compare theories and upgrade ideas. Spock and I play chess. You and I…" he seemed unable to come up with one simple sentence to encompass all the evenings the two of them had spent together, just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. Finally, he shook himself off and glared at McCoy. "They're my friends. I trust them with my life," he repeated insistently. "I just can't trust them not to treat me differently if they knew…" he looked down, face softening to reveal the worry that was at the heart of the matter.

And suddenly McCoy understood why Jim was so reluctant. It wasn't about being the calm and confident captain, the man with the devil-may-care attitude who feared nothing. He realized now that their captain valued their opinions so much more than anyone would ever know. He didn't want them to know the horrible things he had seen and done on Tarsus because he didn't want to see pity, or worse, _revulsion_, in their eyes. He didn't want them to look at him differently. He had spent four years getting to know them, letting them see further past the masks and layers than anyone ever had before; McCoy knew that Jim wanted people to see him as whole, strong, and sound, rather than the broken, scared man in a kid's body he had been for most of his childhood.

But there was one flaw in the captain's thinking, and McCoy had to point it out. He leaned towards the captain. "They won't see you any differently, Jim. You're their friend, their leader, their captain. They know who you are, and all the things you've suffered are a part of what made you the man they love. They won't care."

Jim let out a long sigh, burying his face in his hands. He was about to reply, when the doorbell sounded, a short, steady chime so precise that he knew immediately it had to be Spock. He grimaced, but as his face was covered, the reaction went unnoticed by McCoy.

When he looked over at the doctor, he was unsurprised to find McCoy watching him intently, waiting for some sort of signal. The muscles around his eyes relaxed slightly, and his eyes dropped a millimeter.

It was enough for McCoy, though, and he immediately stood up and headed to open the door, stopping for a second on the way to squeeze Jim's shoulder reassuringly. He also had an idea of who was waiting outside, though he was also smart enough to realize that the First Officer probably wasn't alone. If he was right, this evening had the very real possibility of ending in flames. Or fists. Jim might be Starfleet's golden boy, the hero of the Federation, and a decorated captain, but he still had a tendency to relieve stress with violence – it wasn't that much of a problem anymore, since Jim had traded bar fights for punching bags as soon as he had accepted his commission. But McCoy wouldn't be so naïve as to assume that automatically meant Jim wouldn't fall back to his old ways in order to protect himself. It was a defense mechanism, and the brash exterior had worked well as protection for years.

He paused briefly, turning around to study his captain and best friend, noting the tense set of his shoulders and the way he was slumped over, arms tucked in, almost as if he were subconsciously trying to make himself smaller. He let out a quiet sigh filled with concern, before turning back to open the door.

_Please review! I'm so much more motivated to continue when I know that people are actually enjoying it!_


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, so far so good with regular updates! I'm feeling so proud of myself right now. And I apologize in advance if my Spock is out of character – I'm really bad at writing him. **

**This has totally been the week from Hell, so I'm glad I was able to actually post this chapter. Whoever lives in the Northeast US probably knows what I'm talking about. I'm actually kind of glad that my parents are divorced right now, because it means I have two houses - so while my mom is still without power, I'm able to stay at my dad's... with full internet access. Seriously though, I don't think I realized before just how much I depend on electricity and technology. Not until I had to live for three days with no internet, television, or cell phone. Frickin' stone ages.  
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**Disclaimer: I only own my own thoughts**

Spock observed the doctor in front of him, outwardly betraying no sign of the worry that had plagued him ever since Jim had exited the bridge after that mysterious call from Pike. The last four years had found him constantly reassessing and re-evaluating his beliefs and principles. Captain Kirk was a constant whirlwind of passion and fervor that almost bordered on obsession at times; one couldn't help but be caught up in the hurricane that was Kirk. It had been a startling day when he had realized that he didn't actually _want_ to find his way back out.

His observations had taught him that, while the captain was ardent and zealous, there was always a state of calm underneath it all that comforted and assured the crew, and particularly the First Officer, that Jim Kirk did indeed know what he was doing. For all his youth, he was an incredibly capable captain. People rarely looked beyond what they were given, accepting that James T. Kirk was as crazy as he was brilliant – the two traits were certainly not mutually exclusive – and trusting that what they saw was what they got.

Spock had once believed that as well. But his four years of observation had taught him better. He knew that there was more to Kirk than most people realized – to use a human expression, he would say that there was more 'hiding beneath the surface'. In four years, he had never seen those walls drop as much as they had that morning. His captain was almost as good as a Vulcan at hiding his emotions. Though for the irascible human, it was more like covering up his emotions, showing the world one sentiment when he felt another. Spock was uncertain if he had ever _really_ known what Jim Kirk was feeling, before today.

McCoy's scowl was ever present, though the Vulcan was able to detect a hint of something more underneath it. He seemed… troubled. Concerned, or even afraid. Spock really couldn't imagine why, though he was ninety six percent certain that it had something to do with their captain.

The doctor's jaw tightened ever so slightly as he observed the crowd standing in front of him. Spock was at the front, of course, with Uhura hovering half a step behind him to the right, Sulu and Chekov shoulder to shoulder – as usual – on the left, and Scotty at the rear, scratching his ear nervously as he peered around the Vulcan.

None of them really had any idea why they were here, only that something had happened between Jim and Pike, and it had their captain withdrawing into himself in a way none of them had seen for years. His expression as he had left the bridge would probably haunt each and every one of them for weeks to come. They weren't used to seeing Jim as anything other than calm and in control.

All of them stayed silent for several minutes, assessing. McCoy knew they were all here because they cared, and he did want Jim to understand and realize that he could trust them. But Jim was also his best friend, one of two people in the universe he would do absolutely anything for, anything to protect. And as much as he knew Jim needed these people, part of him didn't want them to see him so vulnerable.

Uhura, ever the unmatched linguist, was able to read between the lines, and understood – somewhat limitedly, but she was able to grasp a general idea – that the doctor was trying to protect his friend. From what, she wasn't entirely certain, but McCoy's posture screamed 'defensive'. There was really only one person she knew of that made him act this way.

It was the voice inside the room that broke the silence, and it immediately set each one of them even more on edge.

"Bones." Jim sounded weary, defeated, even slightly broken, though Uhura might have been the only one to pick up on that particular sentiment.

It was just one word, the captain's nickname for his best friend, but McCoy must have understood some hidden command, because he glanced over his shoulder briefly before turning back to the command crew, sighed loudly, and took a step back; it was easy for each of them to see how much he didn't want them to come in as they stepped over the threshold.

Jim was still sitting on the couch, his back to the door. His shoulders were slightly slumped, an indication of defeat that they could all recognize, though as they stood there, they saw him straighten up slightly, squaring his shoulders, shaking himself off and setting himself for whatever was to come. He reached over to grab something before standing up and turning around. They all watched as he switched off the PADD in his hands, headed to his desk to put it down, and then turned back to the group still hovering just inside the door, which McCoy was still keeping open, almost as if he was waiting for Jim to throw them all out, or waiting for him to give a signal that he wanted them to leave.

But no sign came, and after another minute, the doctor reluctantly closed the door, moving around the rest of the command crew and making his way quickly to Jim's side once more. This was where he belonged. He always felt better in Jim's presence. He didn't like to over analyze it, so he just accepted it as fact. Maybe it had something to do with him knowing exactly how prone Jim was to accidents and injuries.

Jim surveyed them, expression carefully blank – and it was obvious. The real strength of his ability to hide in plain sight as he did, what set him apart from Vulcans and their way of repressing emotions, was that his masks looked real: where Vulcans kept from showing any outward sign of feeling, Jim shrouded his emotions beneath other emotions – completely fake, but real enough to fool just about anyone. Jim looked more like Spock right now than any of them had ever seen before. His expression betrayed nothing. It was like he had stopped halfway to donning his façade: he had hidden what he was really feeling, but hadn't had the strength, or the desire to continue, completing the disguise with content, or comfort, or any one of a hundred fake emotions he had in his arsenal.

It made McCoy wince, and the others stare. Worry was quickly giving way to dread, fear, and alarm. _Just what had happened in that ten-minute conversation_?

"How long until we reach earth, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked, in the same oddly detached voice he had used on the bridge a few hours earlier.

_Still professional, then_.

"Travelling at warp four, we should arrive at Starbase One in precisely twenty-three point four five hours, Captain," Spock replied, concise and to the point.

Jim nodded, just once. "Thank you, Mr. Spock," he said, before turning around and making his way towards his bedroom.

"Jim."

Had it been anyone but Spock to call out after him, he wouldn't have heeded it. However, it was so rare for the Vulcan to address him as anything other than 'captain', Jim felt like he had to stop. "Yes, Mr. Spock?" he queried, back still to the group.

There was a moment of silence.

"What did Pike want?" It was Sulu who spoke up, taking the initiative and jumping right into it.

Jim stiffened slightly, which they all noticed, seeing as how they were all paying close attention, really _looking_ at their captain for the first time in a very long time, perhaps ever.

Spock couldn't help but wonder what it was about such a simple question that caused that reaction. Fascinating.

"Admiral Pike merely wished to inform us of our new orders, Lieutenant," Jim replied, speaking to his bedroom door, voice still dead. It sent shivers running down Sulu's spine, and he remembered a phrase 'coming from inside the grave'. That's what Kirk's voice sounded like right now.

"Jim." The captain didn't turn completely around, but he shifted slightly towards McCoy's voice. That one word held hidden meanings, pleas, and something else, something that sounded suspiciously like remorse or guilt.

Jim sighed and turned completely around. There was defeat in his posture as he slumped ever so slightly, shoulders curving inward infinitesimally. He set his jaw determinedly, though, which eased some of their worries. James T. Kirk was not broken, not by a long shot.

His eyes were still lifeless as he answered, looking at the space between Uhura and Chekov so that he wouldn't have to meet any of their apprehensive gazes as he shared some small portion of the truth, a minuscule amount that wouldn't ease any of their concerns, or contain any real answers. Instead, it would most likely create more questions.

"Starfleet has requested that we return for the trial of Governor Kodos of Tarsus IV."

_Please review!_


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

"_Starfleet has requested that we return for the trial of Governor Kodos of Tarsus IV."_

Jim spat the name out with a distaste that made it clear what he thought of the man and the mission.

It echoed in the silence that followed. Each one of them recognized the gravity of this assignment, having all studied the massacre while at the Academy.

Though it really didn't explain why Kirk was acting so strange. Uhura could read beneath the tension in his stance. There was fear there, but fear of what, she could only guess.

Sulu could also tell that there was something more to this than what they had been given. His friendship with Jim had definitely started with a bang, and the other man jumping after him off a drill to almost certain death. Because he thought that the stranger pilot was worth saving. Jim Kirk had probably never even heard of him before that day, and yet he had risked his life for him. That type of behavior was really just par for the course, as Sulu had discovered time and again over the last four years. Jim Kirk would do anything to protect his friends and his crew. And Sulu was proud to be able to count himself among both of those groups – he knew his captain counted him among his close friends, and he himself considered Jim to be one of the best friends he had ever had.

The two of them had spent a great deal of time working out, training together. Jim had pestered him for nearly a week before he had broken down and agreed to teach him how to fence. In return, the captain showed him how to hand someone his or her ass six ways from next Wednesday without ever picking up a weapon.

And right now, he was worried. Because this man standing in front of him was not the James Kirk he knew. Something was definitely wrong.

Chekov's thoughts were, as usual, on the same frequency as the pilot. He had considered Jim one of his best friends since the beginning of their five-year mission. The command crew had to be able to work well together, but that didn't necessarily mean being friendly when off-duty. Jim didn't believe in professionalism twenty-four seven, and he encouraged personal relationships. He had made the effort to get to know every single crewmember serving under him. He knew their names, ranks, families, hopes and dreams for the future.

That effort had doubled when concerning the command crew. Jim believed that it wasn't simply a question of being able to work together; they needed to be able to trust each other, know that they had each other's backs, and that wasn't something that could just be ordered. That kind of relationship needed to be cultivated and worked at, and they would never fully be able to reach their potential if they didn't become friends.

Chekov was able to admit, even if only in the comfort of his own mind, that his relationship with his captain bordered on hero worship sometimes. He had been the youngest cadet admitted to Starfleet Academy, the youngest to gain a commission, and the youngest officer to head up his own department. But Kirk was the youngest captain in Federation history. He understood Chekov's fears and hardships. He faced it all himself. He had even admitted, years ago, that he saw the navigator as a little brother, a confession that awed and humbled the younger man. It had taken him seventeen years, but he had finally gotten that big brother he had always wanted.

Which was why he was so anxious right now. His brother was hurting, and he couldn't do a thing to help. Because he had no idea what was wrong.

Scotty was slightly confused, a little apprehensive, and very disquieted. He had considered the captain a close friend ever since they had transported onto the _Enterprise_ from Delta Vega, and Kirk had hacked into the cooling system in less time than it took to reach the computer, and saved his life.

As usual, he had only heard about this most recent incident from Uhura, who had deemed that he – by default of being friend of the captain as well as chief engineer and therefore part of the command crew – should be a part of this little… well, whatever the hell it was they were doing here. He barely came out of engineering long enough to eat and sleep, and thus he had not known about the admiral's call or Jim's subsequent disappearance until the linguist had dragged him away from his precious engines. Seeing the captain now, he understood that her unorthodox behavior was not embellished. He suspected this – whatever it was – would take all of them out of their comfort zones, but he firmly believed that their captain was worth it.

McCoy couldn't hide the pain on his face as he heard the lifeless tone of his best friend. This hurt. He hated seeing Jim so defeated and beaten. He was moving before he even fully formed the thought, and within seconds, was standing next to the younger man. He hesitantly lifted a hand and rested it on Jim's shoulder, sensing the tension, but only for a few seconds. Almost immediately, he felt Jim relax under his touch, jaw line smoothing out even as the lines around his eyes deepened. He looked so tired, and McCoy was stunned to realize just how much he hid from the world. Underneath the masks and layers was an exhausted man who had had the crap kicked out of him by life itself.

"God damn it," he muttered under his breath.

Jim snorted softly, shaking lightly under the doctor's grasp, dangerously close to hysterics. "God had nothing to do with it, Bones," he replied dryly, voice hitching slightly at the end.

McCoy's eyes narrowed slightly, and with hardly a 'pardon me' to the others, he gently but determinately steered Jim into the bedroom, the door swishing closed behind them.

Spock raised his eyebrow at the doctor's antics, feeling like he was missing some key component to the reasoning that would have required Doctor McCoy to quickly remove himself and the captain from the room. He had the pieces, and the beginning of a hypothesis was making itself known, but he would require more meditation in order to fully come to a conclusion.

"What is going on?" Sulu asked, looking around the room, hoping that someone might be able to answer him.

Chekov shook his head, wide-eyed, while Spock did not deign to answer, too caught up in his own thoughts, and Scotty simply shrugged, having no clue himself. Uhura furrowed her brow, moving forward to lean against the back of the couch, working her way along her own thought line, to the eventual conclusion – the only one that made sense. "I don't know," she replied absentmindedly. "It's almost as if-" she cut herself off with a gasp that drew even Spock's attention. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the sofa, staring straight ahead in wide-eyed horror. "He was _there_," she whispered, more to herself, though they all caught the words.

A confused silence followed. Spock's gaze narrowed minutely, a small tell that only Uhura would have been able to detect, had she been looking at him. "By this, do you mean to presume that the captain was indeed on Tarsus IV at the time of the massacre?" he queried, voice neutral to anyone who did not know him well, though they were all able to detect a small hint of concern coloring the words. There was no skepticism, however; he had, after all, been working his way towards the same conclusion. Lieutenant Uhura had simply arrived there first.

Uhura nodded, still not looking at anyone. "It's the only explanation that makes sense," she said. "We were all told Kodos was killed when Starfleet arrived. Finding out he's still alive…" Worry seeped into her tone, and it was startlingly clear in that moment just how close the she and the captain had become. "We probably can't even begin to imagine what's going on in his mind right now."

_Short, I know, but that seemed like a good place to end it. Please review!_


	7. Chapter 7

**OK, so not as many reviews for that last chapter as I would have liked... was it just not that great, or are people starting to lose interest? I love feedback, of any kind (although I prefer constructive criticism to flames). It doesn't take that long, please let me know what you think!  
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**Disclaimer: not mine**

McCoy felt useless. There was nothing he could do to make this go away. He couldn't change the past. He couldn't take away the hurt Jim had suffered. He couldn't fix this.

Jim shifted slightly, turning a little to a more comfortable position. McCoy loosened his arms to allow for the movement, though he didn't let go.

The two were sitting on the bed, McCoy turned with one leg bent so that he could face Jim completely, arms around the captain's shoulders. Jim's head rested against the doctor's chest; he was shaking uncontrollably, eyes squeezed shut tightly, a final barrier against the hot flood of tears threatening to fall, his hands fisted in McCoy's shirt.

Jim sniffed loudly, slightly gasping as the hysterics began to catch up with him.

"Shit," McCoy muttered under his breath. The last thing he needed right now was for the man to hyperventilate. "Calm down, Jim" he said louder, "Concentrate on your breathing. Deep breaths. That's it," he approved as the captain took a deep breath and coughed. After that, he seemed to remember he had a fully functioning set of lungs. The next few breaths sounded much more normal. McCoy let out a quiet sigh of relief, resting his chin on Jim's head and closing his eyes momentarily.

With a deep, shuddering gulp of air, Jim pushed himself away from the doctor, wiping his nose and mumbling an apology as he pointedly looked down at the floor.

McCoy shook his head. Why did the man always feel the need to apologize? It was an infuriating quality, but a part of what made Jim, Jim. "Kid." No response. McCoy tried again. "Come on, kid, look at me." Jim looked up briefly, unable to resist the pleading doctor. McCoy was drawn in by the younger man's eyes: usually the brightest thing in the room, they had faded to a pale grayish blue. Before he could get a closer look, Jim had turned his gaze downward again. McCoy ground his teeth in frustration. "Jim." He reached out and grasped the kid's chin, pulling his face up so that he was forced to look at the doctor. He was surprised to see the grayish hue disappear slightly, eyes brightening up and looking more alive and fervent than they had all afternoon. Interesting.

He made sure to hold his friend's gaze as he spoke. "Jim, you know you're my best friend, right?" He didn't release his grip on the man's jaw to let him nod his head, but he could see an affirmation in his gaze nonetheless. "So don't take this the wrong way, but you're an idiot." The question was obvious in Jim's eyes. "You've got to stop apologizing for things you've got no control over. Contrary to what you might think, you aren't _actually_ responsible for everything. The weight of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders, so stop assuming that. You need to stop believing you can save the universe, because you'll only fall harder when you realize you can't. And I really don't want to have to patch you up from that tumble."

Jim's gaze shifted to the right, and McCoy could feel his jaw clench under his firm grasp. He was suddenly distracted by the hot skin beneath his hand, the roughness of two-day old stubble rubbing against the pad of his thumb as he absentmindedly stroked the appendage down Jim's jaw line.

Jim let McCoy hold him like he was, his brain whirring with jumbled thoughts. At the forefront was _why_. _Why was Bones acting like this?_ He felt his gaze be drawn back to McCoy's, his eyes captivated by the warmth he saw there. He didn't really understand what was going on; he recognized the feeling of fire pooling in his gut, but was at a loss to know why he was feeling it now. Bones was his best friend. He was like his brother. Right?

The captain was the first to break eye contact. He looked down at his lap, uncomfortable with what he was feeling. The moment over, McCoy let go, and watched, slightly disappointed when Jim turned his head away.

The silence that followed was comfortable, and yet somewhat awkward. Neither man was completely at ease with what they were feeling, though neither could deny that _this_, simply being with each other, in each other's company, felt right. It wasn't something they ever talked about, or really thought about much. They just accepted it as fact, and that was that.

A quiet hiss from the other side of the door intruded on their thoughts, breaking the comfortable silence that had blanketed the room. McCoy realized that the others must have left, and he was incredibly grateful. He knew they probably figured that Jim wouldn't want them to just hang around, waiting. They were all geniuses, at the top of their fields professionally; he'd bet anything they had managed to connect the dots. And they were leaving him to handle it, because they knew that he had it covered. They understood that, even after four years, McCoy was still the one who knew their captain the best. The only thing they wanted was for Jim to be all right.

That deserved a snort, though he made sure not to let it out. Jim wasn't all right. He put up a good front, but McCoy was getting better at reading past the tough exterior. Seven years of dealing with the kid's crap had given him an almost unique insight to Jim's bullshit. He knew when to push and when to keep silent, when to keep his distance and when to get closer. He was Jim's best friend, and he would do anything to help him. He instantly shut down the small part of his brain that winced over the word 'friend'.

"I don't know why you stay, Bones." Jim's voice wasn't even loud enough to call a whisper, but McCoy heard him. He furrowed his brow, scowl coming back at the self-loathing words, but before he could comment, Jim was speaking again, talking to his lap in a quiet and breathy voice, almost afraid of what he was saying. Like he didn't want to admit it, because he thought that if he did, the doctor would finally realize that Jim wasn't worth it. "All the stupid things I did at the Academy, all the shit I put you through… I was an asshole, I know I was… even worse, I knew it even back then. I just couldn't stop."

McCoy shook his head. "You weren't that bad…" he started, but Jim cut him off with a derisive snort.

"Don't try to stick up for me, Bones," he replied dryly, all sarcasm with no hint of humor to soften up his tone. "I was used to not needing anybody. I was so sure I didn't need friends… you were like a burr in my side, you wouldn't leave me alone. I pushed and pushed, trying to get you to give up. I was certain that you would come to your senses soon enough. That you would realize that I wasn't the friend type. That you were better than me, that I didn't deserve someone like you caring as much as you did." Jim bit his lip as he trailed off in a choked whisper.

McCoy winced as he listened. Did Jim really think that? He hoped the younger man had changed his thinking over the last seven years, but somehow he knew that it probably hadn't changed as much as the doctor – or any of the crew – would have liked. "Everyone needs friends, Jim," he commented softly.

"Friends tie you down," the captain replied harshly, staring straight ahead, obviously seeing something other than the standard Starship walls as he answered. It almost sounded like he was reciting some rule he had memorized long ago, and was repeating it for the doctor now. "Friends give your enemies leverage. Friends give you a weakness." He was still caught up in some past memory, but his voice softened slightly, doing nothing to heal the crack that had opened in McCoy's heart at those words – pain for what the kid had been through, anger at what he had had to face, sorrow for the horrors that had turned what should have been a happy child into a hardened survivor. "I learned that the hard way. Kodos… he promised that he wouldn't hurt Kevin or Tom, as long as I did what he said." He shuddered lightly, gaze dropping as his hands twisted in the sheets, clenching tightly. "He promised, and I believed him. I didn't want them to get hurt. I saw things… I did things… I let him do things… I only did it because I thought I was keeping them safe."

McCoy reached out and tentatively rested his hand over Jim's. He felt the limb relax slightly as his friend's shoulders slumped. "It didn't matter," the captain murmured dejectedly. "They got hurt anyway."

The doctor squeezed Jim's hand, rubbing lightly as his mind churned. Jim hadn't really said anything about what he had had to do, but there was enough suggestion in both the words and the way they were delivered for him to make a guess. But he didn't press the issue, partly because he didn't want Jim to have to live it again, but also because he really didn't want to know. Maybe someday, but for right now, he didn't think he could handle it.

They fell into silence once more, McCoy offering up silent support to Jim, who couldn't seem to find the words to continue. After a few minutes, Jim resettled himself, pulling his legs up underneath him and leaning over until his head was resting on McCoy's chest. The doctor used his free arm to encircle the man in a light hug. Their entwined hands moved until they were resting on McCoy's knee. Jim squeezed even tighter, and Leonard bit back a wince as he felt the blood slowly retreating from his fingers. His captain needed the reassurance, and he wouldn't take away that comfort if he could do anything to help it.

The moment Jim changed position, he could feel the younger man relax even more. He rubbed Jim's back lightly, resting his chin on his head, closing his eyes and inhaled, a sense of calm washing over him as he took in the scent that was uniquely Jim Kirk.

Jim sniffed loudly into his shirt, and he immediately held him tighter. "Shhh," he murmured, turning his head slightly and reveling in the way the coarse hair rubbed against his cheek. "You're safe. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." He didn't really have anything to say that he hadn't said before, so he stopped talking, and resumed rubbing circles on his back. Eventually, Jim settled down, his head moving to rest on McCoy's thigh as his breathing evened out, and his grip on the doctor's hand eased up. McCoy breathed a sigh of relief, though he made no move to dislodge the captain. He had meant what he had said. He was here for Jim, no matter what that meant; and if it meant spending a few hours being used as a pillow, then well, there were worse things.

_Ok, so there's a little McKirk fluff here. I love the relationship between those two – both the one on the show/in the movies, as well as the one in my own mind – and it's totally turning into a pairing. I really did try to keep it gen, with just enough thrown in to suggest that maybe they felt something more than just platonic friendship. But ah, woe is me, it's turning into more. I really have no control over what I write, I just put it down as it comes to me. I promise though, this won't turn into the main part of the story. It is, and will stay, a Tarsus fic, and a friendship fic. No big sex scenes or anything like that. Mostly because I don't think that would serve this story at all, but also because, quite frankly, I'm just not good at writing it. And you probably won't see these two act on their feelings for a very long time. They're both just too stubborn for it to be easy, right?_

_Reviews are love!_


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for not updating last week... I hope everyone had a great holiday; I was working Black Friday, starting at 4am, so as soon as I got home, I slept the rest of the day away. And then I figured I'd just wait another week to post this... spread it out a little more, since I'm running out of written chapters.  
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**Disclaimer: Insert witty comment here. It's still not mine.**

The communications console was beeping. McCoy cursed quietly, hoping the noise wouldn't wake up the man currently adorning his lap. He had never seen Jim sleep this long, or this soundly; Jim was always ready to act on a moment's notice, and he knew from experience that even something as simple as dropping a stylus from across the room could wake the younger man up.

He knew Jim had to be exhausted, considering that the beeping had been going on for almost a full minute, and the captain had yet to stir. He hadn't moved in almost eleven hours, and if it weren't for the steady breath he could feel against his leg, he wouldn't even be sure the man was still alive. _Crap, bad comparison._ With this job, it probably wasn't a good idea to invite that kind of thinking.

He glared at the console. When was that incessant noise going to stop? If he was lucky, he could get Jim to sleep for another hour or two. He was well aware that Jim hadn't eaten dinner or lunch the day before, and while he knew – _now_ – that he had gone much longer, he wasn't about to let him miss breakfast.

Jim groaned and turned his head slightly. A loud beeping was intruding on his thankfully dreamless sleep – a very rare occurrence for him. Opening his eyes, he groaned again, letting out a breath of air as he closed his eyes halfway, squinting as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing. There was a mass of something intruding on his vision. He blinked, and it resolved somewhat. It appeared to be fabric, black, and the pillow he was resting on felt more like… a leg. With a start, Jim sat up quickly, wincing and bringing his hand up to his face, rubbing lightly as he waited for the lightheadedness to pass. When it did, it was only to be replaced by a pounding headache.

"Easy there, buddy."

Jim lowered his hand, looking over as the events of the previous evening came rushing back to him. _Shit_. What was McCoy still doing here?

"You got a headache?" The doctor's voice was calm and compassionate, warm and comforting. Jim nodded, eyes still wary. McCoy half-smiled. "I can fix that," he offered.

Jim winced again. "No thanks, Bones," he replied, voice scratchy and husky as much from sleep as from the emotions still running raw inside of him. "I really don't need a hypo right now. You enjoy those things way too much."

McCoy grinned, standing up from what Jim now realized was his bed, and headed across the room. "It's important to take pleasure in the little things, Jim," he said with a hint of vindictiveness that the captain knew was more for show and to lift his spirits than anything else.

Jim shook his head carefully, as the single drum turned into an entire marching band inside his skull. "I knew you just liked the way people yelp when you stick them, and what the hell is that beeping?"

McCoy looked over his shoulder. "You've got an incoming call," he answered calmly, before looking back at the console and hitting the 'accept call' button, feeling a knot he hadn't noticed until now come undone as the image of Pike flashed on the screen. He had been worried it might be some other Starfleet bigwig, or some sort of ship business that could most likely be solved without the captain's aid, and yet the crew always seemed to call the captain at the most inconvenient of times to 'loop him in'.

But Admiral Pike… McCoy was OK with letting him see Jim. He nodded, just once, and moved aside as Jim came up behind him, twitching his lip slightly in what must have been an attempt to smile that fell far short; he didn't appear to notice his rumpled clothing or mussed hair, though both were observed by the admiral, who cataloged the information as he watched the younger man with an assessing gaze. Jim had clearly just woken up, and just as clearly, he had slept in his uniform. McCoy just looked like he hadn't slept.

"Admiral-" the captain started, but was quickly cut off.

"Jim," Pike warned, tone worried, eyes warm.

Jim sighed. "Chris," he started again. This wasn't a professional call, so there was no need to stand on formality. Pike was big on that; when he and Jim spoke off duty, he made it clear that he didn't expect any of that professional bullshit.

The corners of Pike's eyes crinkled as the older man smiled. It wasn't a full one, and it was too tight to be completely happy, but it was a smile, nonetheless. "How're you doing, kid?"

Jim normally hated it when people asked how he was doing, but for some reason, it didn't bother him right now. Maybe it was because he knew that Pike actually cared. All those nurses, doctors, therapists… they weren't really interested, not really. He was just a file to them, a statistic. But Chris… he really wanted to know, and he wanted to help.

He sighed again, sitting down and slouching back, drumming his fingers against his leg lightly as his other hand rubbed his face wearily. "I've been better," he admitted in a rare show of total honesty. If Pike was surprised though, he hid it well. He lowered his hand and looked down at his lap as he admitted, "I just want this all to be over."

Pike grimaced at the sense of loss in the words. Jim sounded so young, so vulnerable. It made his heart hurt. He leaned forward in his seat. "I know, son, I know." There was silence for almost a minute, before Pike continued, knowing that he should probably steer the conversation away from the personal nature – Jim needed the professionalism right now. "When will you be docking?"

"About twelve hours," the captain answered, relieved at the change in topic.

Pike nodded. "I'll be waiting," he replied, before looking over his shoulder and speaking to someone off screen. Turning back, he eyed Jim, carefully scrutinizing the younger man. "I've got to go," he said, throwing a significant look to the doctor, who was hovering behind Jim protectively. McCoy understood the message behind the gaze, and nodded his agreement. He would look after their captain as if his life depended on it. He wondered why the admiral even thought he had to ask; he would always put Jim first – it had been that way for almost seven years, now, and strangely enough, he really had no problem with it. It just seemed natural at this point, and he had long since stopped questioning it.

While he had been thinking, the admiral and captain had said their goodbyes, and Jim had closed the connection, stood up from the chair, and was now looking at him with the same assessing gaze Pike had used on him. "Go back to your room, Bones," Jim finally spoke, shaking his head. "No offense, but you look like shit."

McCoy snorted. "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" he replied, shaking his head.

Jim looked down, wincing at the rumpled uniform, as his hand moved up automatically to try and smooth away the tangles in his hair. He looked back at the doctor. "So we both need to clean up then. Alpha shift starts soon, so-"

"I'll meet you for breakfast in thirty," The doctor cut him off. Seeing Jim open his mouth to argue, he continued, "It's no use arguing, Jim. You haven't eaten in almost twenty-four hours, and I'm not about to let that number climb any higher. I'll see you in the mess hall in thirty minutes." Without giving the man any time to argue, he immediately made his exit.

Jim watched him leave, an amused gleam in his eyes. He knew there was no use defying the doctor. If he didn't show up, he was certain McCoy would come back and drag him, most likely by his ear, down to the mess hall, and force-feed him. He shook his head, quickly changing, still trying to smooth down his hair as he once more sat at the communications console. He had almost twenty-five minutes left, and a couple of calls he needed to make. This would probably take more time than he had, but it was something he had to do. The Academy would just be waking up, so he was certain his first call would go through.

Kevin Riley grumbled as his comm. beeped, informing him of an incoming call. Who on Earth – or off it – would call him this early? The screen flashed, informing him that Captain James Kirk was attempting to reach him. _What the hell?_ Incredibly confused, he accepted the call, and was faced with the image of a man… who looked strangely familiar.

Neither man spoke for a moment, Kevin trying to figure out why this famous captain had struck such a chord in his mind, and why he was calling an Academy cadet out of the blue, and Jim taking in the man staring back at him; Kevin had grown up so much in the last fifteen years. But he could still see the little boy he had been so fond of, the child he had done his best to protect, the child he had _failed_ to protect. Finally, he leaned forward. "Kev?" His voice was almost a whisper, cracking slightly at the end.

Kevin's eyes widened. No one had called him that since… "JT?" He breathed the name, almost afraid to speak louder. He had never forgotten his knight in shining armor. JT had saved him, had been his hero, his everything. And he had never even known his real name. _Captain Kirk? Really?_ But then… James Tiberius Kirk. JT. Wow. How had no one ever picked up on that before? And Captain Kirk's exploits were legendary. All of a sudden, he could see the hero he had known on that godforsaken planet in the famous captain everyone revered. It totally fit. Kevin forced out a strained laugh. "Wow," he managed, seeing the older man smile slightly, seemingly pleased at his reaction. He wondered what the captain had been expecting. "It so makes sense. How did I miss this? How did we all miss this?"

Jim smirked. "I didn't want people to know," he admitted. "I never told anyone my last name because I didn't want to be the son of the federation hero. People treated me normally, and I liked that. After…" he paused briefly, his eyes clouding over with memories. "After, it just didn't matter. You didn't need to know my name in order to survive. And when it was all over, I could just disappear. I thought it would be better that way."

"Why?" Kevin broke in, curious. JT seemed ashamed, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why.

Jim looked down. "I should have made you go with the others," he admitted quietly. "I shouldn't have let you stay. You wouldn't have been-"

"No," Kevin broke in determinedly. "I wanted to stay. What happened with Kodos was _not_ your fault."

Jim sighed, looking back up. The level of pain in his eyes was clear to the cadet, and it made his heart ache. Had his hero really been carrying around all that guilt for fifteen years?

The two lapsed into silence for a full minute. Finally, Kevin spoke, steering the conversation away from the depressing nature. "How did you find me?" he asked curiously.

Jim smiled. "I'm a Starfleet Captain, kid," he replied impishly. "You really think it was that difficult?" Kevin raised an eyebrow, and Jim shrugged, amending, "All right, so I've been keeping track of you pretty much since we were all sent back to Earth. It took me a few years to find everyone, but I managed it. Starfleet really needs to beef up their security. Those firewalls were a joke."

Kevin snorted. And then sobered up. "So the rest of them…" He trailed off, not wanting to voice the question. After he, Tom, and JT had been separated from the group, he hadn't known what had happened. It had been at least two weeks before Starfleet had shown up, and no one had ever told him what had happened to the rest of the group.

Jim's eyes became a little brighter, the sheen of tears glistening. There was a small smile tugging at his lips, though, which mitigated some of the fear curling in Kevin's gut. "Cory and Marcus did the best they could. In the end, they lost two: Sha'al, and Lisa." His voice broke over his cousin's name, and Kevin winced in sympathy.

"I'm so sorry, JT," he said softly, reaching his hand out, only to drop it as he remembered the light years of distance between them.

Jim grimaced. "I don't think Cory is ever going to forgive himself, no matter how many times I tell him it wasn't his fault."

That made Kevin smile. "Remind you of anyone?" he retorted.

The captain shrugged. "I guess it's a family trait," he agreed.

Kevin shifted in his seat. He really was enjoying this, and he would be happy to talk to the older man for hours on end, but he had classes to go to. While there were a few he wouldn't mind skipping, his first of the day was a senior level combat course that he knew he couldn't miss. "Why did you call?" he asked, noting the way Jim almost shrank in on himself with those four words. Like he was hoping the younger man wouldn't ask the most obvious question. Huh.

Jim bit his lip. "They found him, Kev," he answered softly.

Kevin furrowed his brow. "Who-"

It was Jim who cut him off this time, voice suddenly harsh. "Kodos. They found him hiding on some backwater planet under an assumed name. They're bringing him back to Earth for trial, and they've asked me to come back to identify him. I'm surprised you haven't gotten the same call."

Kevin's eyes widened. All those years ago, when they had told him Kodos had been killed trying to escape, he knew JT had never believed it. And well, he believed what JT believed. _ Fifteen years_. Far too long to catch a mass murderer, and yet… he didn't want to have to face that man again. To have to look into his eyes and wonder if the man recognized him. Remembered him crying as the whip rained down on his back. Saw the young child he had once terrorized. He wondered what JT was feeling, and thought it might be a hundred times worse. Not that he knew exactly what the older man had been through, but he knew Kodos had spent much more time with him than he had with Kevin or Tom.

"Tom?" he croaked out, eyes blank as he tried to tear himself away from the memories.

"He's my next call," Jim assured the cadet. He glanced at the chronometer, and then back to the screen. "Look, I know you've probably got classes, and I'm sorry to just drop this bomb on you, but I wanted to get in touch. It's really been too long, I should have contacted you a long time ago. We dock in about twelve hours, if you want to meet up, we can talk more then."

Kevin nodded absently. "I'll be waiting," he replied, making an effort to focus. "I'm really glad you called, JT."

Jim nodded. "I'll see you soon, Kev," he said, hitting the end button and immediately letting out a huge sigh as he buried his face in his hands.

He only allowed himself a few moments, before resetting himself. His conversation with Tom went much the same as with Kevin, and roughly thirty-two minutes after McCoy had left his room, he was heading down to the mess hall. He felt strangely exhilarated. The last half hour had been incredibly challenging, and yet… it felt so good to talk to Tom and Kevin again. He was so proud of them; Kevin was in his final year of Starfleet Academy, and Tom was a top scientist at a renowned research lab. Both had made a name for themselves, and given themselves a chance at a bright future. Whatever else might happen over the next few days, he was looking forward to seeing them again.

_Please review, it helps keep me motivated!_


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: not mine, never was, never will be**

McCoy looked at the doors again. Jim was late. Roughly three minutes late. Yes, that was nothing, but he was still wary. He would give it another two minutes, but if Jim hadn't shown up by then, he was going to go to his quarters and drag him down here, kicking and screaming.

He glanced around the relatively crowded room, taking in the many crewmembers talking and laughing as they ate their breakfast and prepared for the day ahead. His attention focused on one table in particular; the command crew was seated a few tables away. They didn't appear to be talking much, but he did catch a few concerned glances his way.

He met Uhura's gaze as she looked over, and raised an eyebrow. The linguist didn't falter, and simply returned the gesture, cocking her head minutely. Their silent exchange seemed to have caught the attention of the rest of the group, and they all turned to look at the doctor. McCoy scowled. He really didn't need this right now, but somehow he didn't think they cared.

His attention was diverted from the strange staring contest a moment later; so in tune was he to his best friend that he actually knew the moment before Jim entered the mess hall. He looked over just in time to see the captain walk through the doors, and glance around briefly before spotting the doctor and making his way over.

Jim slid into the seat across from McCoy and threw out his customary 'Kirk grin'. McCoy's scowl only deepened as he pushed the second tray of food he had retrieved for his friend towards the man. "You're late," he grumbled, digging into his own breakfast as he scrutinized Jim. The younger man seemed… more confident. At ease. Something miniscule had changed in the last half hour, and Jim was somehow more relaxed.

The captain didn't falter. His grin stayed firmly in place as he shrugged casually. "I hardly think you should punish me for three minutes, Bones. I had some stuff I had to take care of."

McCoy found his eyebrow migrating north again. He didn't voice the obvious question, he simply waited. He and Jim were pretty good at this game, and he knew that, eventually, Jim would come to him. Eventually.

He was right. He didn't even have to wait thirty seconds. Jim picked up his fork and started pushing his food around, not eating anything, as he admitted quietly, "I called Kevin and Tom. I owed it to them, after all this time."

McCoy leaned forward, expression changing to concerned in a millisecond. He reached out with one hand, but stopped suddenly halfway across the table, clenching his hand into a fist to keep himself from grabbing Jim's.

Jim set the fork down and looked at his friend. "I haven't spoken to either of them since…" he seemed unable to say the name of the planet, and just swallowed harshly, looking down. "Neither one actually knew who I was."

"How'd it go?" the doctor asked cautiously, quietly.

Jim shrugged again, looking back up. "Pretty good." He smiled slightly, the corner of his mouth lifting. "Really good. I can't believe how much they've grown."

"It's been a long time," McCoy commented.

Jim nodded. "It's strange though…" He trailed off for a moment, and McCoy let him think, waiting for him to pick up again. "Even after all these years, they've grown up so much, and yet… I could still recognize them as the kids I used to know." _The same kids I survived Hell with_. Though the captain didn't voice it, McCoy knew what he was really saying.

He couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make things much worse, so he settled for, "Eat your breakfast," as he withdrew his hands still resting on the table and returned to his own food, though his attention was still focused on the man sitting across from him, as always.

Jim smirked, sitting up slightly as he dutifully began to eat. Watching him, McCoy noted that it was more of a mechanical movement than anything else. Jim didn't seem to be paying attention to what he was doing. He winced internally as he cataloged yet another piece of evidence that he should have noticed before now, but of course, did not. And he liked to think of himself as observant. Wow, he really was clueless, wasn't he?

"Should ve go over dere?" Chekov asked the table as he snuck another covert – or at least, what _he_ thought was covert – glance at the captain and doctor.

Sulu reached under the table to grasp his hand. Chekov looked at the pilot and smiled, ducking his head slightly.

Uhura shook her head at the puppy love expressions. Those two were so obvious; she had no idea why it had taken so long for them to get together. She glanced over as well, mentally calculating. They had left the night before without any resolutions, because they all knew that McCoy had the best chance of helping their captain. If Spock hadn't suggested the departure, she knew she would have. Looking over to the Vulcan now, she cocked her head slightly, asking a silent question that she knew he would understand. While the two had ceased their romantic relationship mere months into their five-year mission, they remained close friends.

Spock returned the gaze, his expression blank to the rest of the room, but the linguist could read his answer. She turned back to the navigator, who seemed to have forgotten he had even voiced a question, too busy staring at Sulu and no doubt fantasizing about what he would like to do with the pilot on top of their table. She cleared her throat, relieved when the two snapped out of it and turned to look at her. She smiled. "We're not interrupting your mental make out session, are we?" she asked sweetly, pleased when they both turned bright red and looked down in embarrassment.

Scotty chuckled, shaking his head. "Looks like ye hit the nail on the head, lassie," he commented, before sobering up as he threw a glance over his shoulder, noting the slight droop to his captain's frame; he might have an unhealthy love for his ship, and be severely lacking in social skills, but even he could tell that his friend was hurting, and if he could do something to change that, he would. He might never admit it out loud, but he would move Heaven and Earth to help Jim.

As he turned back, he caught Spock also shifting his gaze. It really was amazing how much Jim had been able to bring out his human half over the years. He could see the concern in the way the Vulcan kept glancing over the engineer's shoulder towards the captain. He even thought he saw worry there for a moment, before the blankness returned.

Spock turned to face Uhura. "I believe it would be beneficial to the captain if we were to join him and Doctor McCoy for the remainder of our morning meal."

The communications officer studied him for a moment, before nodding in agreement. She said nothing, simply picked up her tray and went over to join the duo sitting a few tables over.

The rest of the command crew was quick to follow.

Uhura slid in next to Jim, forcing him to move over, as Scotty sat next to her. Sulu sat next to McCoy, glancing apologetically at the doctor, who adorned the customary scowl, though he moved over to accommodate both the pilot and the navigator without complaint. Spock was the last to join, forced to squeeze in next to Scotty, which only made it necessary for Jim and Uhura to slide down even further. Jim felt he was in very near danger of falling off the bench. Which would not be a captainly thing to do. At all. He looked around at the suddenly full table, hand subconsciously gripping his fork tighter.

No one said anything, they just continued eating as if nothing had changed. Jim still watched warily, hesitantly lifting a forkful to his own mouth, chewing slowly.

It was Uhura who broke the silence, clearing her throat as she turned to her captain. "Thank you for helping me with those translations, the other night," she said, nothing but gratitude in her voice. "Though someday, you really are going to need to tell me how you learned Andorian."

Jim grinned. "I never kiss and tell," he replied cheekily, with all of his old swagger. That, more than anything else, relieved the linguist. Kirk was still in there, no matter what else might happen. He was still the captain she admired and respected. He was still her friend.

A snort from the other side of the table drew her eyes. McCoy was shaking his head, trying desperately to keep from laughing. Spock raised an eyebrow, while the rest of them – save the captain – looked at him, confused. "If that's the case, why did I have to spend three infernal _years_ listening to you talk about your latest conquest?" the doctor asked.

Jim's smile became one full of innocence, an expression that had them all putting their guard up. They had seen that look before – usually it came right before the trouble started. He casually rested his elbow on the table, and his chin in his hand. "You're just special, Bones," he replied.

McCoy glared while Sulu and Scotty started laughing. Chekov chimed in a moment later, and even Uhura had to grin. Spock's eyes warmed a degree, his own indication of amusement, as Jim pursed his lips, kissing the air as his eyes danced in amusement at the thunderous expression on his best friend's face.

Once they had all calmed down, they seemed to realize that their shift was about to begin. Preparations were made, and the group began to gather their trays.

"Oh no you don't."

They all stopped and looked at the doctor, who was still staring at Jim, who seemed to be about to stand up. He paused where he was and looked at his friend questioningly.

McCoy scowled. "You don't leave this table until that plate is empty." Jim looked down at the half-full plate, and then back at the doctor. McCoy shook his head. "That look's not gonna work. It's been seven years. I'm immune to your charm by now." Well, he really wasn't, but the captain didn't need to know that. He looked at the rest of the group. "He'll meet you on the bridge." They all took that as their cue, hiding grins from the disgruntled man, quickly making their exit.

Jim pouted. "I'm not hungry, Bones, and I'm going to be late-"

"Jim." The captain cut off mid sentence. He recognized the soft, slightly pleading tone his friend was using. When the doctor broke out that tone, he knew to shut up and listen. Because it meant McCoy was in distress, and that _he_ was the cause of it. And Jim would do anything not to hurt his best friend. "You need to eat. I know you're not hungry, and I do get it, but you need to take care of yourself. You've got a whole ship full of people who are depending on you." The unspoken but no less unheard _I care too much about you to let you hurt yourself like this, so please don't make me beg you, because you know I will but I really don't want people to see it _hung in the air. Gaze still locked with the doctor, Jim dutifully picked up his fork and finished his breakfast.

**XXX**

Jim shifted in his chair, tense but trying to portray his usual calm that the crew was so used to seeing. Alpha shift technically ended in a few minutes, and they were due to dock at Starbase One in about an hour. Not nearly enough time to prepare. Even less, because the primary bridge crew would remain in place until they arrived at Earth, as was standard procedure when approaching a starbase or planet.

He had been hyper alert all shift, more aware of his crew than usual, waiting for more concerned glances, pitying looks, or sympathetic gazes.

But surprisingly, he never saw any. His command crew remained professional and committed to their tasks throughout the entire shift. It was the waiting, the suspense, that was driving him crazy. He couldn't understand why they weren't asking him questions, treating him differently. Maybe McCoy was right; maybe they really _didn't_ care.

These thoughts quickly ate up his remaining time, and before he knew it, he was requesting permission from the Starbase Commander to dock.

When the screen went blank again, Jim nodded to Sulu. "Guide her in, Lieutenant," he instructed.

"Aye, Captain," Sulu replied, obeying with the precise movements he was expected to perform perfectly, where a tenth of a degree could mean the difference between a successful dock and crashing into the station.

Soon enough, they all felt the jerking motions that signaled their successful latch onto the space station.

Jim nodded once, feeling the tendrils of dread curling in his stomach, though he forced himself to bury it, opening a ship wide comm. "Attention, crew, this is Captain Kirk. We have just landed at Starbase One. Skeleton crews will remain in place, and a rotating shore leave schedule has been set up. Kirk out."

He closed the comm., waited a beat, and then, deliberately ignoring all the looks his command crew were now leveling at him, quickly and determinedly made his way off the bridge.

Fortunately, their replacements had arrived, and Spock, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov were able to follow their captain. They were all scheduled for the first rotation of shore leave, and disbanded when they reached the deck with their personal quarters, to grab essentials that they would need for the next few days, before quickly meeting up again on the starbase, in time to see Jim talking to Commander Peterson, who was in charge of Starbase One; the two men seemed to be exchanging the usual pleasantries, while McCoy hovered protectively behind the captain.

The conversation was over quickly, and Jim motioned for the doctor to join him as he made his way to the transporter room.

Jim managed a tired smile as he turned around on the transporter to find the rest of his command crew – minus Scotty, of course, who seemed not to have realized that they had docked and he was now on a scheduled shore leave, and was probably still tucked away in the bowels of the ship, performing some questionably legal upgrades – making their way over to him and McCoy.

No one said anything, and within moments, the tech operating the room had punched in the coordinates, and the six officers were disappearing. The last thing they heard was McCoy's predictable grumble about scrambled atoms and death.

They materialized at the Academy, in the large hangar set up for multiple transporter access. Jim was the first one off the platform, walking steadily, for all he felt like running away. He really didn't want to be here, not in this way, not in this capacity. He glanced around, looking for Pike. The man had said he would be waiting. Jim didn't know if he could really think about much right now; he needed someone who had already set up a plan, so that he could just be told what to do, and do it. He needed Pike to tell him what to do.

Still looking for the admiral, he somehow missed the large blur making its way quickly towards him. He heard an incomprehensible shout, moments before something crashed into him, propelling him backwards several steps.

_Yeah, that's a cliffie… sort of. What I write is really what's made up in my head, how I see the academy, etc… I don't really know how it's set up, so I'm sorry if anything I describe is not how it actually is._

_Oh yeah… please REVIEW!_


	10. Chapter 10

**This story is really all my own imagination, so if I get anything wrong, I'm sorry. I do enjoy Star Trek, but I do not consider my self a 'Trekkie'. I'm imagining a hangar filled with transporters, because I think they might have something like that. It's faster than shuttles, right? I imagine they have a hangar for those, too.**

**Disclaimer: still not mine**

Christopher Pike looked around the busy hangar and sighed. It was early evening, and most of the transporters were in use, with officers either coming or going. Others milled around, waiting for someone, just like he was.

He turned back to the transporter he was waiting by, and shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Jim should be arriving soon. He had been informed of the _Enterprise_'s arrival at space dock half an hour previously, and if his calculations were correct, that would mean the captain should be here any minute.

Another glance around him showed two younger men, one in Cadet reds, one in civilian wear, standing several feet away from him. It was curious, they seemed to be waiting by the same transporter as him. Studying them more, his eyes widened as he realized why they seemed so familiar. While he had not by a long shot been able to get full access to every one of the Tarsus Nine files, he had been able to dig around Jim's enough to get names and faces of most of the kids he had survived with. Once he had had that, it hadn't been too much more work to discover the identities of the two kids who had been captured along with Jim. And so he recognized Cadet Kevin Riley, currently in his last year at the Academy, and Doctor Thomas Leighton, a young but brilliant scientist. Already, his work had his field up in arms. Not even thirty, and already breaking new ground.

**XXX**

Kevin met up with Tom outside the large building; the two embraced warmly. They had spoken briefly, after being contacted by Jim, but it had been the first time in almost fifteen years. It seemed that in addition to concealing identities, Starfleet also hadn't wanted anyone to find out where the Tarsus Nine had been sent after everything was over. Not even the Tarsus Nine.

Somehow, he wasn't surprised that JT had known where to find him. He knew his hero was a brilliant man, so he doubted getting the information had been difficult.

"How much time do we have?" Tom asked, releasing the younger man as the two entered the hangar.

Kevin glanced around the busy room. "A few minutes," he replied. "I think they docked at Starbase One a little while ago, it'll take them about half an hour to get down here."

Tom nodded, turning his head to look at the younger man so he could study him. Kevin looked… healthy. Happy. Alive and eager to live life. That was good. He knew Jim had felt guilty at getting the kid caught, though he also knew that Kevin would never blame him.

Kevin looked over, meeting the scientist's scrutinizing gaze. He noted the way Tom had had to turn his head further than most, owing to the large cover that blocked half his face. He hid his wince as the memory came back to him; that night was one he never wanted to remember. JT had done the best he could, but with a few half filled first aid kits, he hadn't been equipped to deal with a phaser blast to the head. It spoke volumes to his abilities that he had been able to save Tom at all.

Neither man said anything, continuing to walk in silence, and they arrived at their destination less than a minute later. Kevin recognized Admiral Pike standing a few feet away, but didn't greet his superior. Now that he was about to see his savior again for the first time in fifteen years, all he could feel was the gigantic knot in his stomach. He swallowed harshly, feeling the tension radiating both from himself, and from the scientist standing next to him.

Less than three minutes later, the telltale light began to whir on the platform, and after a few seconds, six people materialized in front of them.

Kevin ignored the other five, and zeroed in on the blond haired, blue-eyed man in front. He didn't even need the reference of the conversation he had had earlier that day; he would recognize those eyes anywhere. Even now, when they were more washed out – most likely due to the stress of the situation – he still knew to whom they belonged.

He barely waited until the older man had stepped down from the transporter. The fact that he was and adult, that he was supposed to be a dignified Starfleet Cadet, all the people standing around, every reason he had for staying put went out the window. Running forward, he cried out, "JT!" seconds before he lunged at the captain, throwing himself into the shocked man's arms.

Jim stepped back with the force of the contact, but within seconds, he was gripping Kevin just as tightly. "Kev," he breathed out, closing his eyes against the slight burning he felt at the sight of the two men waiting for him.

"JT," Kevin repeated, this time barely a whisper and with such emotion behind it, Tom, who was the only one standing close enough to hear, felt guilty for witnessing it. It spoke of nights of fear and dread, days of empty stomachs and gaunt eyes, weeks of wondering if they would live to see the next sunrise, and months of living off the land, jumping at every snapped twig, every rustle, seeing soldiers behind every tree. He could also feel the days of endless pain and terror, being caged like an animal, even more doubt of living to the next morning.

The two broke apart, to the relief of pretty much everyone watching. They all felt like they were intruding on the moment.

Jim smiled, albeit a little shakily, and transferred his attention over to the scientist standing half a step behind Kevin, waiting his turn. The two stared at each other for a brief moment, before they both moved, embracing each other in what might have seemed like a simple, friendly hug, if they each hadn't been trying desperately to hold back the tears. It had been a long time, and they had been close.

Tom gripped him even tighter, as the hug continued, burying his face in Jim's shoulder as he lost he lost the battle, and the tears began to leak from his eyes. He had thought he would never see his friend again. Being so close, it brought back all the memories he had pushed so far down, in the hope that not thinking about it would make it go away. He could remember the soldiers, trained to obey without question, and Kodos, a man without a soul, whose only concern was keeping his power; but his worst memories did not actually involve physical injury to himself. He had spent days locked in a room, with nothing to link him to the rest of the world but the sound of Jim's screams, coming from the next room over. It seemed that Kodos had known who was in charge of their group, and had concentrated his efforts on JT.

McCoy tore his gaze off the reunion in front of him for a moment, glancing at the rest of the command crew. None of them appeared to have any idea what was going on. Not even Spock, and the idea that he could actually understand the confusion written on the Vulcan's face definitely freaked him out a little. With a grimace, he turned back to his friend. Jim and… whoever he was, had stopped hugging, though they were still standing much closer than he could remember Jim ever letting anyone stand – himself excepted, of course.

He might not know, but he definitely had an idea of whom these people were. Jim had mentioned the names, and their demeanor with each other definitely supported the theory that they had survived Hell together.

"Who are ze?" Chekov whispered to Sulu, leaning towards the pilot in an attempt at discretion.

Sulu looked back at his boyfriend and shrugged. His eyes sought out Spock, and then Uhura when it was clear the Vulcan wasn't going to take his eyes off his captain any time soon.

The communications officer felt the gaze and turned sideways, shooting him a look that clearly expressed her feelings as being on par with the pilot. He pointedly looked towards McCoy, who was also watching the captain with the same intensity as the First Officer, and then back to Uhura. She nodded slightly, one miniscule incline of her head that indicated her understanding. While they might have found their own conclusions, the only one who seemed to have read the whole book was the doctor. His expression indicated… understanding. But underneath, there was an element of pain, sorrow, worry, and grief. And beneath that, both lieutenants thought they could see a hint of fear.

Pike had kept himself separate from the reunion, watching with interest as his favorite captain interacted with these two strangers, amazed at this new side of the man that he wasn't familiar with. When their hellos seemed to be winding down, he stepped forward. A slight shake of his head dissuaded the captain from continuing with his effort to come to attention for the admiral.

"Welcome back," he said warmly.

Jim nodded, posture slumping a millimeter, just enough for Pike, McCoy, and Spock to notice. He was usually so careful about standing straight and proud, maintaining that strict professionalism that people expected to see from the captain of the flagship; seeing him let that go, even if it was just slightly, impressed on the three of them just how much this whole thing was affecting him.

Pike continued, "I know you've probably got things to do," his eyes flicked over to Kevin and Tom, still standing close, "We'll talk more tomorrow." With a nod to McCoy, and a glance at the officers standing behind Jim, he turned and made his way out of the hangar.

Jim watched his mentor leave silently, waiting until the older man was out of sight before he turned back to the two men in front of him. Both were watching him with a look he remembered well; he had often seen it on Tarsus, when decisions needed to be made, and he, as the leader, was expected to make them. Kevin and Tom had both looked at him with that same expression; it said quite clearly that they trusted him completely to see them through whatever it was.

Without saying anything, he moved forward, slinging an arm across Kevin's shoulders and steering him towards the exit. Tom was quick to place himself on the captain's other side, walking so closely their arms brushed against each other. McCoy was certain he saw the scientist grasp Jim's hand for a brief moment, but the action was over when he blinked.

"Who were they?" Uhura asked, stepping up to the doctor and looking at him curiously.

McCoy was still watching the place where his best friend had disappeared, most likely down memory lane. He would need to try and find Jim later, to make sure he hadn't vanished completely into the past.

"More ghosts," he replied distantly, his eyes glazing over.

Uhura furrowed her brow, glancing from McCoy to Spock, who also seemed to be focusing his attention on the doctor.

"What does that mean?" Sulu asked, looking between the three of them.

There was a long pause in which they all waited for McCoy to say something. Finally, he blinked, and looked back at the pilot, and then the linguist. Finally, he turned to the Vulcan. Spock's gaze was steady as he met McCoy's.

For a moment, McCoy felt like the two of them were actually having a silent conversation. That thought alone was enough to shock him out of it. It was Jim who had those moments with the First Officer, not him. He looked away, back to where the exit was located just out of sight. Jim was long gone by now. Sighing, he shook his head. "They're old… friends," he answered, the pause evident as he spoke. Without waiting for any more questions, he quickly left the group.

Uhura and Spock shared a significant look. Uhura raised an eyebrow, and Spock cocked his head.

Sulu, watching them, sighed loudly. "It's kind of annoying when you do that," he said. "At least tell us what you're thinking."

He and Chekov waited, staring expectantly. It was Spock who answered. "It would be logical to presume that the two individuals with whom the captain left cultivated a close camaraderie with each other during the time they spent on Tarsus IV."

The pilot and navigator stared at the Vulcan for a moment. "Does zat mean zey were friends on ze planet ven eweryting happened?" Chekov asked.

"That would be my guess," Uhura confirmed.

There was a long pause in which they all tried to come up with something to say.

"So… what happens now?" Sulu broke the silence.

Uhura bit her lip, glancing towards the exit, and then back to the pilot. "We're on shore leave," she declared. "We go home, relax, and try to remember what life is like outside of a tin can."

They all smiled a little at the doctor's view of starships. Even Spock's mouth twitched slightly.

Uhura sighed. "I have a feeling this isn't going to be like other shore leaves. I'm not sure what that means right now, so I guess we just play it by ear. If Jim needs us, we're here, but we can't impose."

Sulu nodded, before taking Chekov's hand and leading him away towards the exit, leaving Uhura and Spock alone. By mutual silent agreement, the two of them left the hangar together, separating once they stepped out into the sunlight, Uhura heading towards the apartment she held in the city, and Spock towards the Academy campus.

_Ok, so they're back on Earth. Things are going to pick up… I hope. If any of you have read any of my other stories, you should know how much I love to draw things out. I'm trying to make it interesting though, and believable, so I hope I'm succeeding._

_Reviews make my day!_


	11. Chapter 11

**So, this might be the last update for a while. I had all this written, but I've run out of completed chapters... I'll do my best to not go months and months in between updates, but... well, let's just say I turn procrastination into an Olympic sport.  
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**Disclaimer: not mine**

Jim leaned back against the couch, smiling as he watched Tom settle himself across from him, also on the floor, using the comfy chair as a backrest. Next to him, Kevin was also making himself comfortable against the sofa, still close enough to be uncomfortable, had he been anyone else. As it was, Jim felt completely at home in the company of these two old friends he had never really expected to see again.

"So how's the academy treating you?" he asked the cadet, turning to face the younger man.

Kevin smiled. "Not bad," he replied. "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to believe that I'll be graduating in just a few months, you know?"

Jim nodded. He did know. Though his situation had been slightly different. He had told Pike he'd 'do it in three', but he hadn't actually expected to graduate in three years, let alone be placed immediately into such a position of power. He had been completely unprepared for his graduation, and subsequent launch to captain. "Have you thought about where you'll serve?"

Kevin shrugged, studying the floor. "We're supposed to be putting in requests right about now, but I'm not sure yet. Competition's pretty fierce."

Jim reached over and clasped his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. "You're going to request the _Enterprise_, right?" Kevin looked up, wide-eyed. Jim met his gaze steadily. "I mean it, Kev. You want a spot on the _Enterprise_, it's yours."

Kevin just nodded, eyes glazing over, almost like he was in shock. While he had secretly dreamed about serving on the Federation's flagship, it had always been a fantasy. He had never once thought it might actually happen. But it seemed having an in with the captain made a difference. Slowly, he focused on Jim, and nodded again, indicating his desire.

Jim squeezed Kevin's shoulder just once, before letting go. "If that's what you want, I'll make it happen," he assured the younger man.

Kevin was still watching him in amazement. "Thanks," he replied quietly.

The silence that followed was slightly awkward, and yet very comfortable. The three men were simply happy to be in each other's company; after living so long with unanswered questions, it was nice to be able to get some answers.

The afternoon and evening disappeared rather quickly, the trio catching up on all that had happened in the last fifteen years, and studiously avoiding the specific topic that had brought the three of them together after so long.

It wasn't until he heard the forceful knocking that Jim realized how late it was. With a sigh and a groan, he levered himself off the floor and went to answer the door. As expected, McCoy was on the other side.

The doctor examined the captain in front of him. Jim looked… better. Spending some time with his old friends seemed to have done him some good. McCoy was relieved; he really could have seen it going either way.

Without waiting for an invitation, McCoy pushed his way past his friend, stopping in the living room and raising an eyebrow as he saw Tom and Kevin sitting on the floor.

Jim sighed and shook his head, smiling slightly as he closed the door and followed the doctor back. "Tom, Kevin, Doctor Leonard McCoy; Bones, Tom, Kevin," he introduced, brushing past the doctor and reclaiming the spot on the floor he had just vacated.

McCoy nodded a greeting at the two men, before turning his gaze back to his captain. Jim looked comfortable in this setting. His formal persona had been dropped, and he was just 'Jim'. There was no need for him to be a captain here; these men did not expect or require it. He forced himself to only acknowledge the relief that his friend was able to relax, and to disregard the jealousy that cropped up at the thought.

Tom stood up to properly greet the newcomer. He smiled and nodded, reaching out and clasping the doctor's hand. "Nice to meet you," he said, and McCoy could feel the weight behind the words. This was clearly a man who thought carefully before he spoke. He only said what he meant, and he always meant what he said. The patch that covered half of his face was slightly unnerving, and yet he couldn't help but feel reassured by the presence.

"Likewise," McCoy replied, before Tom let go and returned to his spot on the floor. He glanced over at the captain, and shook his head as the younger man motioned to the space next to him, on the opposite side of Kevin, making instead for the chair seated slightly further away but still considered a part of the small group congregated on the floor.

Jim smiled at the predictable antics of his best friend, and turned back to the discussion they had been having before the doctor's interruption; from what McCoy could tell, it had to do with a well-known researcher and a paper he had written that Jim apparently did not believe to be accurate. Tom was defending the work, while Kevin was watching the debate with fascination, somewhat reminiscent to a tennis match.

McCoy observed, not quite startled to find that he didn't mind not participating; not that he could have, with this topic, but he was enjoying simply watching, relishing the opportunity to see Jim like this.

"I'm not disputing his whole career, Tom," Jim protested, "But you can't deny there are a few questions about his research."

"The man's a genius, JT!" Tom retorted.

Jim snorted, shaking his head at the short response.

McCoy couldn't help but notice that both Kevin and Tom rarely if ever referred to his friend as 'Jim'. It was always 'JT'. He knew that's what Jim had gone as, as a kid, a _leader_, on that planet, but to sit here, fifteen years later, and hear the moniker fly so easily from their lips, was something of a wake up call. He could no longer be content with just knowing about his friend's past. It had happened, it was a part of Jim, and it wouldn't be so easy to just shove into the background. More importantly, it wouldn't be healthy.

It took him a moment to realize that the conversation had died around him. Glancing down, he saw a set of brilliant blue eyes watching him, sparkling with mirth. There was a happiness there that the doctor didn't realize had even been missing. It was like a piece of his friend long forgotten, so covered up that no one would realize it wasn't there, had suddenly resurfaced. Suddenly, Jim looked years younger.

Sure, the trials and hardships were still there, but there was also a spark of something else – McCoy couldn't quite tell what – that made him certain his friend would be all right.

A polite cough tore his attention away from his captain, and he focused on the source of the noise; Kevin and Tom were both watching them, amused grins on their faces. It was the senior level cadet that had interrupted the doctor and captain's intense staring contest.

Jim looked over at Kevin, and his small smile widened to a lopsided grin – the type of grin that had had most of the females in the universe sighing and lusting after him. Part boyish handsomeness, and all charm, with a hint of deviousness and a flash of sincerity that usually disappeared before anyone could get a closer look.

The cadet simply met his gaze, refusing to change the small smirk he was wearing, and attempting to stare the older man down.

Of course, Jim was not an amateur, and it was Kevin who broke first. He looked over at the doctor, who was still busy staring at his friend –_ he would just file that look of pure joy that seemed to make McCoy look years younger for further review at another time_ – and then back to the captain.

Jim raised an eyebrow, eyes still dancing with laughter. Tom snorted, remembering all the times he had seen that particular expression on his friend's face – while they may have been surrounded by despair, that simple look from JT could make things seem not quite as bad. It was nice to remember some… well, not exactly _good_, but _better_, times on that godforsaken planet.

The captain's gaze shifted briefly to the scientist, and Tom could tell that Jim knew what he had found so amusing. Indeed, it was nice for Jim to remember some happy moments – however brief they had been – from his childhood.

"Dinner?"

Kevin voiced the query, and immediately, they all stood up in agreement that a search for food was probably a good idea. One glance at a chronometer showed them just how much time had passed while they sat inside and became reacquainted with old friends.

While the other three stretched out the kinks that came from sitting on the floor for hours on end, McCoy moved over to open the door. He couldn't hold in the sigh when he saw who was waiting patiently in the hall.

_Minor cliffie… and another short chapter. Grrr. I'm trying to make them longer, but it's not really working very well. Sorry._

_Please review!_


	12. Chapter 12

**I actually had this ready for last week, but I was working all day, and then I kinda forgot. Sorry!  
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**Disclaimer: still not mine**

Spock observed the doctor in front of him in much the same manner he had the previous day – _had it really only been one day?_ Beyond McCoy, he could see Jim, along with the two strangers that had met his captain at the hangar.

Before McCoy could move back to allow the Vulcan to enter, Jim came up and placed a hand on the older man's shoulder, offering up a smile to his first officer. "Spock! We were just about to find some dinner. Would you care to join us?"

McCoy glanced sharply at his best friend. Jim sounded way too calm and cavalier. Spock also seemed to think something was off, but he chose to ignore it, in favor of accepting the offer. "Thank you, Captain," he replied, inclining his head once. "I would be delighted to join you."

Jim's eyes sparkled at the formality of the Vulcan, but he didn't comment, choosing instead to use his grip on McCoy's shoulder to steer the older man out of the apartment.

The three commissioned officers were followed by the cadet and scientist, as the five of them made their way across campus to the cafeteria. Spock and Tom, after being introduced, were quickly caught up in a scientific debate that left the rest of them in the dust. Well, Jim could probably have kept up, but he was too busy talking with Kevin about the younger man's classes, while McCoy listened, interested but trying to hide it.

Dinner passed quickly, with the five men discussing many subjects, most centered around the academy and different teachers and classes. For Jim, the evening was a godsend. For a few hours, he didn't have to force himself to think about something other than the upcoming trial. He could just joke and laugh with his friends. Kevin and Tom got along well with Spock and McCoy – well, Tom got along well with Spock, and McCoy seemed to be quickly coming to see Kevin as a sort of younger brother, treating him much the same way he treated Jim, with a sort of fond exasperation. The doctor actually seemed very content to sit out most of the conversation, and observe the captain and cadet. Though he might never admit it, he really enjoyed seeing his friend in this setting. There was no forced calm professionalism; it was just a young man, spending time with friends.

Towards the end of the meal, Kevin began to dominate the conversation, while Jim fell into a terse silence, pushing the remaining food around his plate as he listened to his young friend with half an ear.

McCoy's worry heightened, and he contemplated some sort of intervention – not that he had anything in mind – until he shared a significant glance with the Starfleet Cadet; Kevin didn't stop talking, but he shook his head slightly, telling the doctor not to say anything. McCoy bit his lip to keep his mouth shut, but he obeyed the younger man, and simply finished his meal in silence.

Kevin kept speaking, about something trivial that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but McCoy noticed after a few minutes, that Jim seemed to be responding. The signs were tiny, but the doctor could see the slight softening around the captain's mouth, and the small crinkle around his eyes, which seemed to regain some of their former sparkle. It wasn't much, but it was there.

When the group got up to clear the table and head back to their rooms, McCoy once again met Kevin's eyes; he nodded his thanks, and the cadet replied with the same gesture, accented by a tight smile. He hadn't done much, but he knew that the normalcy of having the younger man chatter on about nothing specific, knowing that his friend wasn't really paying attention but not changing his behavior because of it, had soothed the captain.

It wasn't until that walk back across campus that McCoy was able to question the younger man. Jim had unwillingly – or perhaps willingly, the doctor really wasn't one to judge – been sucked into the scientific debate between his old friend and first officer, leaving McCoy and Kevin to follow several paces behind the three geniuses, and make their own conversation.

"How'd you know it would help?" McCoy asked quietly, keeping an eye on his best friend and captain, watching for any sign of distress or perhaps an indication that the younger man was listening to the discussion behind him.

Kevin shrugged. "JT's a worrier," he replied, also watching the captain. "He tends to go silent when something's bothering him. Usually you can tell how bad it is by his facial expression. He tends to get this look, when whatever it is, is really big. Like the way he was looking at his dinner, like it had offended him?" McCoy nodded. "And the way the corner of his mouth was twisted down, just slightly?" Again, the doctor nodded. "That's how you can tell it's big." Kevin looked down, suddenly withdrawn. "He did that right before they caught us," he finished quietly.

McCoy watched the cadet with the eye not focused on his captain. After a few moments in which he saw Kevin pull himself together, he queried, "Why do you still call him 'JT'?" The younger man looked at the doctor, confused. "You know his name now, and it's not like he's hiding who he is anymore," McCoy clarified.

Kevin shrugged, focusing once more on the back of the man in question as he replied. "I don't know… JT's… no matter how much time passes, or what his real name is, he'll always be JT to me. Back on…" Kevin looked down once more, and McCoy watched him swallow harshly before continuing. "Back on Tarsus, JT was the one who made everything better. He protected us, he cared for us… Knowing his real name doesn't change that. I don't really care that the boy I used to think of as my savior is now the most well known captain in Federation history. He's just JT." Kevin let out something that sounded suspiciously like a snort. "I don't know if that makes any sense."

McCoy nodded distractedly. "I understand," he assured the younger man. "No matter how much recognition he gets from the rest of the universe, he's always gonna be the kid I threatened to throw up on, that first shuttle-ride to San Francisco; the kid I spent three years following into every single bar in this godforsaken city, and three years dragging out of those very same bars. You and me, I figure we're lucky." Kevin looked curiously at the doctor, and McCoy elaborated. "We get to see the real Jim Kirk. Or JT, whatever you wanna call him. We get to see underneath the mask, if that's the word for it. Jim… he doesn't trust easily, and he's good at hiding; most people believe that what they see is what they get. But you and I, we know differently. We get to see the man who's gonna change the universe. And if we're real lucky, we might even get to be a part of it."

_Yeah, it's another short one. Sorry! But it's not too late, 'cause I had it half written already, so I just had to finish it. And ending it there just felt right._

_Reviews make my day!_


	13. Chapter 13

**I apologize for this incredibly long delay. I hope I still have readers! But I thought it would be better if I took a mini-hiatus to finish writing the story, so that I don't leave you high and dry for months at a time. I can now officially promise you one update a week until the story is done!**

**And my Star Trek addiction excitement for the week (which was actually the week I wrote this chapter, so in reality, it's my excitement from a while ago, but it's still cause for jumping up and down with joy): **_**Star Trek Into Darkness**_**, coming to a theater near you May 17, 2013!**

**Disclaimer: still don't own**

Jim opened his eyes wearily, and let out a short breath of air as he took in the semi-dark room. The light of pre-dawn was hazy at best, and did little to relieve the shadows in his bedroom.

Even so, he was able to make out the large mass lying on the floor, and catalogued it as Kevin and Tom, as the events of the previous night came back to him. Glancing around, he noted McCoy sitting in a chair across the room, and Spock, seemingly meditating in a far corner.

Jim sighed softly, turning his head towards the window next to his bed, and confirmed that it was, in fact, quite early. The sun wouldn't rise for another hour, at least. Damn. He had been hoping that being back on earth would allow his nerves to settle enough to actually get some sleep. As nice as that night he had spent using McCoy's leg as a pillow had been, it really hadn't been incredibly restful.

Spock of course was aware of his captain's shift from sleep to waking, but he chose not to react. In his meditative state, he felt Jim shift around on the bed, and waited for a movement that would indicate the man was leaving the room. It never came, though, and, sneaking a glance, the Vulcan saw Jim staring out the room's sole window. He seemed to be enraptured with the stars above – or what few stars could be seen, with the light pollution.

He kept one eye cracked, focused on the captain, while the rest of his senses spread out to catalogue the rest of the environment. He knew that he and Jim were the only ones awake, though judging from the way the young Cadet Riley kept twitching and moving around, he surmised it wouldn't remain that way for long.

Sure enough, less than two minutes later, Kevin inhaled sharply and sat up, carefully extracted himself from his spot next to Tom, and quietly made his way out of the room.

Jim waited exactly one minute, before he too got up, making no sound as he exited the room. It spoke volumes to his abilities, thought the First Officer, as he slipped back into a light meditation. He did, after all, have a lot to think about.

**XXX**

Kevin glanced up as Jim entered, offered up a tight smile, and then went back to staring at the wall from his position on the floor, leaning against the couch in the same spot he had occupied the previous afternoon.

He wasn't quite sure how they had all ended up sleeping in Jim's room, though he guessed it had something to do with the simple after dinner discussion that took place in the living room turning into a five hour long debate between Tom, Jim, and Spock, on the most notable scientists of the day. Or something like that. Kevin was a navigations specialist. He wasn't a slouch, by any definition of the word, but he wasn't gifted at science, either.

Sometime after one o'clock, McCoy had grumbled about Jim needing to get some sleep, which had somehow turned into all of them spending the night. Jim, being Jim, had offered up his bed, but hadn't even been able to get the entire sentence out before the doctor – whom Kevin wasn't entirely sure of just yet, he couldn't quite get a read on the man that he both admired and was slightly scared of – had overrode him, demanding that his friend get into bed immediately, and then, without pausing for breath, demanded that they all get some rest, turned off the lights, and collapsed in the chair that – along with the bed – was the only piece of furniture in the room. Kevin couldn't help but think that Jim really needed to add some personality to this apartment.

Jim took a seat next to Kevin, but didn't speak. Together, the two sat there in silence, both thinking of the same thing, the very thing that had brought them together again. Tarsus. Kodos. Their very own Hell. The nightmare that had plagued them both for damn near fifteen years.

Both were remembering nights back on _that planet_, when Jim had been on watch; Kevin, unable to sleep, or woken up by the hunger and fear that plagued them all, would join him, and together, the two would sit and watch the sunrise. They never spoke, but that silent companionship meant so much, for both of them.

It wasn't until the room had lightened significantly, dawn approaching quickly, as evidenced by the natural light coming through the window in the kitchen and spilling through the open door into the living room, that Jim finally spoke.

"It's funny."

Kevin looked over sharply at his friend. He wasn't sure where Jim was planning on going with this, and he definitely did _not_ like the contemplative tone the captain was using.

Jim was only silent for a few moments before he continued. "I've watched the sun rise and set for years, and I never get tired of it. No matter how… _screwed up_… life gets, it always goes on. The world keeps revolving, days keep passing… Even when things got so bad that I couldn't understand _how_… Even in the darkest night, dawn always came. It goes from light to dark, but always back to light again." Jim stopped, looking suddenly mildly embarrassed at what he had just said. When Kevin didn't speak up in the silence, he looked over at the younger man, his gaze honest and pure, with a hint of agony underneath that made Kevin sure he couldn't possibly begin to understand just how much this whole thing was tearing the captain up inside. "That's how I know this mess can't really be as bad as I keep thinking. It sucks right now, and it's sucked for a long time… but eventually, it _will_ get better." There was a conviction and a hint of steel in Jim's voice that reassured the cadet. "Dawn's always just around the corner, right?"

Kevin nodded, reaching out and grasping Jim's hand. The gesture was more for him, than for the captain. He needed the reassurance. He needed to feel the physical comfort that another human being provided. He needed a grounding for his own pain and suffering. He needed Jim to remind him that he was _here_. He had survived.

The two sat in silence for a while longer, just taking pleasure in the simple things: the lightening room that indicated the day was fast approaching, each other's company…

"Have you ever thought about ending it?"

The question came out of the blue, and startled McCoy, Tom, and Spock, who were all about to exit the bedroom. With a wave of his hand, McCoy effectively stopped the other two from announcing their presence. While he definitely did not think any of them should be privy to Jim's answer, he could not help but admit that he was curious. As horrible as it sounded, he had often wondered if suicide had ever crossed his best friend's mind.

Jim didn't look or act surprised at all. He remained completely calm, thinking over the question, deciding what he should divulge. He would be lying if he told Kevin the thought had never crossed his mind… On the other hand, was he really considering admitting out loud that he had actually thought about it? That would just create a whole new breed of problems.

Finally, he sighed. "That's a loaded question if ever I heard one." Kevin didn't say anything.

Off to the side, McCoy bit his lip at the lack of proper reply. Even if Jim hadn't directly answered the question, he had his response. _ Shit_.

Jim glanced over at the cadet, taking in the tense stance, and the way he was refusing to meet the captain's eyes. Well, no matter what his response might be, he was fairly certain of Kevin's, if he were to ask the same question. He gave the cadet's hand a squeeze, before he spoke again.

"I don't know if I my response would be based solely on what happened on Tarsus. I was pretty screwed up before I even got there. After it was all over…" Jim bit his lip, looking away towards the far wall. "I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted the world to go away and leave me the hell alone. I could barely close my eyes without seeing the bodies, feeling the pain… I wanted it to end. Did I want to die?" Jim looked back at Kevin, who was watching him with wide eyes, subconsciously holding his breath. "No. But I would have been willing to, just to get it all to stop."

Kevin let out his breath. He unconsciously gripped Jim's hand tighter.

In the bedroom, McCoy also let out a deep sigh as his hands curled into fists. If he were allowed just five minutes alone with that Kodos… well, at least Starfleet would no longer have to pay to house him until trial… neither would they need to pay for the trial. Win-win situation. Right? He swallowed harshly, and then jumped slightly as Tom rested a hand on his shoulder.

"He moved on, Leonard."

His voice was barely a whisper, and spoken with the quiet calm that McCoy had become used to as the scientist's natural speaking voice. Somehow, it soothed him, and he unclenched his hands. Tom was right. He knew that Jim wasn't that kid anymore. He would definitely see to it that they talked about this, but he didn't need to worry about Jim. At least, not about Jim suddenly having the urge to off himself. He had plenty of other things to worry about when it came to the captain, but not this.

The three gave the pair in the living room a few more minutes, before announcing their presence. By unspoken agreement, none of them acted like they had overheard anything, and the group was quickly making their way back across campus to the cafeteria for breakfast.

Uhura was the first of Jim's command crew to join them, dropping her breakfast tray on the table as she sat down next to Spock. They were quickly joined by Sulu and Chekov, and introductions were made, before the table broke up into several separate conversations. Tom and Kevin were quickly integrated, which made Jim incredibly happy. Kevin and Chekov struck up a conversation about their chosen field of study, while Sulu broke in occasionally with his own opinions. Uhura and McCoy were content to listen as Jim, Spock, and Tom continued what they could only surmise was a continuation of a previous conversation. Not that either of them could really understand much beyond the 'the's' and the 'and's'.

The eight of them stayed where they were long after they had finished eating. Kevin was aware that he would most likely miss his morning classes, but he was having too much fun talking with the people that would most likely become his command crew in just a few short months. He was completely in awe of Chekov, a man around his age, already not only a commissioned officer but the chief navigations officer on Starfleet's flagship. He felt missing a couple classes was an acceptable price for getting on the good side of his future boss.

It was nearing lunch when Jim stood up, effectively breaking up the gathering. As the group said their good byes, he pulled Kevin aside. "If any of your teachers give you grief for skipping class, just send them to me or Admiral Pike."

Kevin nodded, and gripped Jim's arm tightly around his bicep briefly. As an action it wasn't much, but Jim understood perfectly. With a small smile, and a nod to Tom, who was watching them closely, he turned around and made his way through campus. He had an appointment with Admiral Pike.

_Well, it's a little longer… does that make up for the delay in updates? Maybe little delays are a good thing, though, the last chapter I put up has gotten way more reviews than previous ones, where I had an update out every week._

_To sum up, please review!_


	14. Chapter 14

**As a note, I must inform you all that I do not have any idea of how law in Star Trek works, so this is all made up. Unless I actually guessed right, and then… cool. It's mostly based off of what I know of military trials in the present day (basically, what I've learned from various TV shows).**

**Disclaimer: not mine**

Jim hesitated for a brief moment, before steeling himself and knocking firmly. After hearing a faint "Come in", he took a breath and pushed open the door.

Chris Pike looked up and offered up a warming smile as his favorite captain grimaced in reply, quickly shutting the door and taking a seat.

Pike quickly signed his name at the bottom of the form he had been reviewing, before setting it aside and giving the captain his full attention. "Thanks for coming, Jim." The younger man gave a jerky nod in reply, his jaw clenching slightly as he stared at a spot just behind Chris' left ear. The admiral sighed internally as he noted each and every stressful tell the captain in front of him was exuding. The signs weren't visible to everyone, but then he knew this man better than most.

The silence stretched on as Chris studied the younger man, while Jim studiously ignored the scrutiny.

It was several minutes before the admiral spoke again. "The trial's set to begin the day after tomorrow. The Starfleet JAG lawyers would like to speak with you, Doctor Leighton, and Cadet Riley this afternoon, to go over any testimony you will be asked to give. I don't think it will be much, they have enough evidence to convict, as soon as they know for certain they have the right man."

Jim nodded his head shakily, still unable to meet Pike's worried gaze. "Will I need to talk about what happened?" he asked quietly, lowering his eyes to focus on his lap.

Chris leaned forward, wanting nothing more than to gather the younger man up in a hug and protect him from the world.

But Jim Kirk wasn't a child, and he couldn't make everything better with a hug and a pat on the back. Even more than that, Jim would never fall for it. Life had never been that kind to him. And no matter how much he may wish otherwise, Jim Kirk was not his child. He had only had seven years to try and prove to the kid that there were actually people out there who cared about him. He liked to think that he was making progress, but even in the best-case scenario, and Jim learned to trust him implicitly, he wasn't the kid's father. He would never be, no matter how much he might secretly wish it. He knew he could never replace George Kirk, but he hoped that at the very least, Jim saw him as a friend; at best, perhaps a sort of father-like figure.

Chris shook his head, pulling himself out of the tangent his thoughts had taken him. "You shouldn't have to," he assured the captain. "All they need to know is whether or not it really is Kodos." He noted the slight wince Jim tried to hide at the name of the former governor, but didn't comment.

Jim smirked, though it was but a shadow of the same expression that had garnered the captain such fame throughout his academy years. "That wasn't a strict no, Admiral," he retorted. "Should have, would have, could have. In my experience, that doesn't mean much to a lawyer. Or a criminal."

Pike winced internally as he understood part of what was making Jim so reluctant to do this. Kodos had taken whatever had remained of his innocence back on Tarsus. Jim didn't want to be in the same room as the nightmare that had haunted him for almost fifteen years. Observing the captain now, he thought it might be more than just not wanting to be there; he strongly suspected Jim was _afraid_ of being there. Of being face to face with the man who had destroyed everything.

"I won't leave your side, if you don't want me to." Jim snorted, but Pike had a point to make, so he kept going. "I mean it, Jim. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone anymore, and I refuse to let you push everyone away. I refuse to let you push _me_ away."

Pike lapsed into silence, and watched the emotions flash across Jim's face, before he managed to tuck it all behind that damn mask the kid always insisted on wearing.

After a few minutes, Jim looked up, meeting Chris' eyes for the first time since he had entered the office. "Thanks," he said simply, quietly, sincerely. "I'll see you this afternoon."

And there it was. No explicit acknowledgement, but Jim was accepting the admiral's offer. He levered himself out of the chair, and made his way towards the door.

"Jim."

The captain turned around, and watched warily as Chris closed the distance between the two of them. He tentatively reached out to rest his hand on Jim's shoulder, noting the lack of flinch even as he catalogued the tenseness and stress written into every line on the younger man's body. Without saying anything, the admiral drew Jim into a tight hug, just as he had been wanting to do ever since that thrice cursed file had come to his attention.

It barely took a second before Jim was hugging back just as forcefully, his face burrowing in the crook of Chris' arm. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop any tears from falling.

Chris gently rubbed Jim's back, tightening his own arms as he made a silent vow to never let the kid – he would have time later to think about the fact that in this moment, he was thinking of Jim as _his_ kid – down. Jim had had too many people fail him in his lifetime, and Chris adamantly refused to let himself become one of those.

It was probably only minutes, but it felt like hours later, when the two men separated. Pike took one step back, just a small one, but it gave Jim the space the admiral knew he needed at that moment.

Jim took a few extra moments to make sure he was under control before he looked up and met the admiral's stern but caring gaze.

Pike hid his surprise that he could see no defiance or embarrassment in the younger man's eyes. Just a quiet acceptance, and what he was quite certain was _relief_. He allowed himself a moment of joy that the man he thought of as a son seemed to trust him enough, or maybe respect him enough, to not try and hide in his presence. It made Pike so happy that the last seven years he had spent fighting his way into the kid's life – and then fighting again to stay there – had been worth it. Even if it was just a look in the captain's eyes, he could tell that Jim trusted him. That thought alone was enough to fill him with warmth.

After another moment of silence, Jim turned around and left the office, closing the door firmly behind him. He swallowed harshly, schooling his features to some semblance of his former mask, and made his way quickly outside, and around to the side, where a small alley formed in between two buildings. He propped himself up against the wall, sliding down to the ground and resting his elbows on his knees and burying his hands in his hair as he lost the battle and the tears started flowing.

**XXX**

Chris stayed where he was for several minutes after the door closed, feeling his heart crack just a little bit more. _When would the kid get a break?_ Why did life have to be so cruel to him?

Finally, he sank back down into his desk chair, feeling grateful for the heavy cushioning that he had added to help alleviate any pain from his injuries. He rested his elbows on his desk and wearily rubbed his face with one hand while the other began a quest through the mess that was scattered across the surface in front of him for a specific report. It took him a minute before he managed to find the Tarsus report. Grasping the PADD tightly, he took a deep breath before he began looking through the file again. He knew those pictures would haunt him for years to come, especially when he put it together with his own memories.

Chris had not been one of the first responders to the planet; he had been a Commander on the _USS Yorktown_ when the Starship had arrived in the second wave, carrying supplies for the survivors as well as the Starfleet officers who had arrived before them. The _Yorktown_ had carried some of the survivors away from the Hell they had once called a home; Pike had spent minimal time on the planet, just enough to accompany his captain to a mini conference with those captains already in residence on the planet, but that short time had been enough to disturb his dreams for months. He remembered the haunted gazes of the survivors, their sunken cheeks and accusing eyes.

Looking back now, he couldn't help but wonder if he had seen Jim on that planet. He quickly derailed that train of thought; Jim had been one of the Tarsus Nine. He had been badly injured during his tenure in Kodos' clutches. He would not have been kept with the rest of the survivors. He wondered if it would be too presumptuous of him to ask Jim what he remembered of that time. He wondered if Jim would tell him anything about what had happened afterwards. Suddenly, finding the younger man wasting away in a bar in the middle of nowhere, Iowa made much more sense. He wondered if Jim was ever able to leave that planet behind. Somehow, he doubted it.

* * *

><p>Jim didn't know how long he had been sitting there, but he did know when he was no longer alone. And he didn't need to look to know just who it was who had joined him.<p>

McCoy sat down next to his best friend, but didn't speak. He didn't make any move, and just waited.

It took almost five minutes, before Jim acknowledged him. Without looking up, he spoke. "How'd you find me?"

McCoy winced at the gravely voice, evidence of the captain's crying jag; he wished he had come earlier. "Your appointment with Pike shouldn't have lasted that long," he replied. "I figured you'd probably find the nearest secluded place you could. You've got a habit of disappearing for a couple of hours whenever it gets to be too much. You want to let it all out while no one's watching, so that you can come back and pretend that nothing bothers you." It was Jim's turn to wince, though the gesture was almost lost in his current posture, hunched over as he was; the only tell was the slight tensing of his shoulders. McCoy tentatively reached out and rested a hand on the shoulder nearest him, squeezing gently. "The only flaw in your plan was that I know you too well. I'm not going to let you go through this alone, Jim. That was never an option, so stop trying to run from me."

After that, the doctor fell silent, and waited. He didn't release his grip on the younger man, and after a few moments, he realized that he could feel the captain shaking. It was subtle, but it was definitely there. He held on tighter, and suddenly Jim was throwing his arms around McCoy's neck, in a life-or-death hug. He buried his face in the doctor's shoulder as his shaking increased. McCoy wrapped his arms around Jim and grasped just as tightly. He could feel a wet patch spreading on his shirt, but still he held on.

The pair stayed that way, the silence only broken by the sound of Jim's sobs. Slowly, they decreased, until it was just a sniffle; Jim pulled back, wiping his nose and eyes with one hand, while the other stayed firmly entangled in McCoy's shirt. Looking down at his lap, Jim spoke quietly, "The JAG lawyers want to talk to me, Kev, and Tom this afternoon."

McCoy grimaced. He hated lawyers. "What about?"

Jim swallowed harshly. "They want to go over what we'll need to do at the trial. Chris says we shouldn't need to do more than confirm that the man they have is really Kodos, but I can't help but think that it'll be more than that."

McCoy studied the younger man, and couldn't help but remember what Jim had told him the other night. _I'm not sure I can live through it again. If they ask me about what he did, or what I saw… If they ask about the things I was forced to do… I don't think I can let myself go back there. Not again. I'm not sure I could survive it a second time._

He felt a sudden dread, as he realized that the chances of Jim having to talk about what had happened on that planet were incredibly strong. The chance to actually talk to three of the Tarsus Nine, to get their stories for the record was too good an opportunity for any decent lawyer to resist.

"Pike'll be there." Jim smiled, just a small one, but it eased McCoy's mind a little. It showed him that his best friend was not trying to go it alone anymore. He trusted the admiral to help him through what was most likely going to be one hell of a meeting.

"Will you come?"

McCoy looked up, startled, and met Jim's piercing blue gaze. He was both annoyed and captivated by those eyes; they seemed to be looking right into his soul. Jim always seemed to be able to look at him and really _see_ him, passed the lies and bullshit, his idiot best friend always knew the truth. And he loved it as much as he hated it.

Gazes still locked, McCoy stood up and held out a hand for the captain. Jim let himself be pulled to his feet, but didn't let go, and their hands remained entwined as McCoy replied, "You know you never have to ask."

Slowly, Jim nodded, and though his eyes watered a bit, he maintained his composure as the pair exited the alley. Neither one was consciously aware of the fact that they were still holding hands.

**XXX**

Tom and Kevin branched off from the group as soon as Jim left. They were actually quite enjoying getting to know JT's friends – and quite possibly Kevin's future bosses – but without Jim there, it felt slightly more awkward. True, Tom and Spock had a similar background in science, and very similar interests, but the young scientist really wanted the chance to talk to Kevin, alone. So with a farewell to the commissioned officers, the two men headed back to Kevin's dorm room. The cadet knew his roommate would be out for the rest of the day, which gave the friends a much needed space to converse – or commiserate. Kevin wasn't quite sure what Tom had in mind, only that the older man seemed to want to speak with him alone.

Once back in the small dorm room, Kevin made sure the door was locked before he walked across the room to collapse on his bed, letting out a long-winded sigh. It had been a rough couple of days.

Tom took a seat at one of the desks – by its location near the foot of his young friend's bed, he assumed it to be Kevin's. Once settled, he took the opportunity to study the Starfleet Cadet.

Kevin looked… healthy. Happy. To Tom's scientist eye, he looked like he was settling into a life he could be proud of. He could see the same shadow that haunted his own thoughts, but it didn't seem to be suffocating the cadet. Kevin looked like he had moved on. Or at the very least, was moving on. He highly doubted any of them would ever fully be able to let it all go, but as long as they were able to live their daily lives without feeling like the world was closing in on them, he could count that a win.

"So what made you decide to join Starfleet?" Tom asked, breaking the comfortable silence after almost five minutes.

Kevin sat up and shrugged. "Truth is, I didn't really think about it until right before I joined. After everything happened, I didn't see the point in Starfleet. You know, they just always seemed to be late and useless and only show up for the cleanup and the condolences and the funerals."

"What changed your mind?"

Kevin smirked. "Captain Kirk," he admitted wryly. "That whole thing with Nero happened, and I realized that while Starfleet certainly has a lot to answer for, I could actually make a difference. I didn't want to reach the end, look back, and think, 'ehh'. I don't want to have regrets, Tom. I want to _matter_."

An alert from Kevin's comm. system interrupted anything Tom might have said. Moving towards the device, both men read a message from Jim, telling them of a meeting with lawyers that afternoon. Kevin replied quickly, before moving back to his bed.

The two had a lot to catch up on, and almost three hours to waste.

**XXX**

The two JAG lawyers were exceedingly stereotypical. Pike could see that within thirty seconds of entering the conference room they had reserved for the purposes of this interrogation – that is to say, _discussion_. He knew that, theoretically, there would be no reason for this session to include any of the more sensitive information. He was hoping that that would be the case. That hope disappeared, however, when he saw the next person to walk through the door.

_I actually combined two chapters here; the one I was going to publish for this week was just too short. Hope you enjoy!_

_Please review!_


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: see all my other chapters**

The full and unedited known truth of Tarsus was a file locked up so tightly that the number of people with any type of access could be counted on one hand. The number of people with full access was limited to maybe two. Federation President Kimikana remembered that tragedy all to well. He also remembered arguing against several people, including his now predecessor, who felt that _tragedy,_ was a better word for it than _massacre_. Or perhaps _holocaust_. Because that's what it really was. Governor Kodos had been what some might call clinically insane; though he had seemed sane enough in the recordings they had managed to uncover, of that infernal speech he had given, before deciding to slaughter half the colony.

President Kimikana was one of the few who had been able to read the file they had of what had happened on that planet. And as such, he was painfully aware of just how much was missing. For example, the nine people who had been slated for execution, had seen the governor's face, and were able to identify him. The Tarsus file contained no names, only details that depicted a horrific nightmare for everyone involved, with gaping holes where information should be. President Kimikana hated mysteries, and he hated not having full knowledge of everything that had happened. He knew there was a lot that wasn't in the file, and if he had the opportunity to rectify that, he was going to take it.

Which was why he was currently attending a meeting with a couple of lawyers, instead of working on everything else he knew he had to get done today. He wondered why such a huge case would be taken by anyone other than the Attorney General, but he figured the man would probably come into play at some point.

Admiral Pike's attendance was… interesting.

When he had discovered that Kodos had been found, his first thought had been disbelief. He was one of the few who knew that the body they had claimed was the governor back then was not actually him. The public needed closure, and there was a body, burned beyond recognition; it was easy enough to let the universe believe that it was over.

Chris stood up as the President walked in, and offered up a salute.

Kimikana nodded, and then turned around to face his security detail. A silent gesture, and the trio of men turned back and exited the conference room.

Once it was just the two of them, and the two lawyers, Kimikana turned back to study the admiral. Pike looked worried, anxious, and confused. Well, that made sense. He was probably trying to figure out why the Federation President was here. But when Kimikana had found out that three of the Tarsus Nine were present on campus, and would be testifying against Kodos, he knew he needed to meet them. He needed to put names and faces to the file. And he needed to find out what they knew.

But right now, he needed to know why Pike was here. He took a seat, and after a beat, so did the admiral.

Pike watched the President warily. He could make an educated guess as to what the man was doing at this meeting, and he wasn't sure how to tell him to shove it without being written up.

"Why are you here, Admiral?" Kimikana asked, resting one arm on the table.

Pike shifted in his seat. "I could ask you the same thing. Sir," he replied, voice courteous, even though both could hear the slight edge to the tone.

The president held in the sigh he felt was about to escape. Christopher Pike was smart, cunning, and had enough brains to know exactly why he was here, in this conference room. "I think it should be fairly obvious why I'm here," he answered curtly.

Pike kept his face carefully blank as he considered how he could answer. He could think of two options, and neither one ended very well. He could sit back and let the President take over, ask his questions, get his story… or he could put his foot down, and let his superior know that he wouldn't let the man change what this meeting, or this trial, was about. It was about putting a murderer behind bars. Pike didn't care how much was left out of the Tarsus file; under no circumstances would he let anyone, not even the Federation President, force Jim to relive such a nightmare. Even if it cost him his commission. Jim Kirk was more important.

He kept his voice as impassive as his expression as he responded. "It was my impression, sir, that the only requirement of these survivors was a positive identification. Forgive me, but I don't understand why your honorable self needs to be here today."

Both of them knew that he _did_ understand. But politics is politics. The proverbial song and dance.

Kimikana met Pike's firm gaze. He could read several answers in those eyes, which only raised more questions. The protectiveness he saw in everything from the admiral's almost-glare to the tension set in his shoulders was something he was used to seeing in relation to one specific man. More explicitly, one specific captain, also known as the bane of Starfleet's existence. Kirk was a genius, sure, but he also had a habit of disobeying orders, pissing off foreign dignitaries, and yet still managed to lead the _Enterprise_ to the highest closure rate for getting new civilizations to join the Federation. They had the best mortality rate for hostile situations, though they did also have some of the highest numbers for injuries. Actually, their captain seemed to be the one who drove that particular statistic to the top. He supposed it was some of Kirk's 'saving people thing'. The idiot captain had what a psychiatrist would probably classify as a God complex. He thought he could save everyone.

And somehow, the damn kid just inspired loyalty and devotion. From his crew, and from the brass. Or at least, the brass that mattered. Pike, and Barnett, and Archer. Triple threat. None of the other admirals would let any dissent with the golden captain known to the public when he had that kind of backing.

Not that Kimikana wanted Kirk out. The public loved him, and that was good PR for Starfleet. But if what he was beginning to suspect was true, it would explain why Pike was here, at this meeting, as well as give him a PR nightmare of a headache. He dreaded to think of what the public would say if they found out that their hero, not to mention the son of another hero, had been on that planet. More specifically, that he had been slated for execution. Oh, this was not going to be good.

Pike thought he could see the moment Kimikana got it. _Crap_. Chris was no stranger to politics; he had been with Starfleet far too long not to realize that the President was probably thinking about all the ways this mess could be used to benefit him. Or all the ways it could blow up in his face. Probably both. Kimikana's tone of voice gave no indication of his current thoughts as he queried blandly, "How long have you known?"

Chris spared a half a glance for the two lawyers still seated in the corner. They had stayed completely silent throughout the political game of cat and mouse admiral and president had been playing; the only indication of presence they had given was the customary salute when their two superiors had entered the room. Even now, they appeared to be looking over what he assumed was something pertinent to the case.

Turning back to the president, he met the powerful man's gaze steadily. He was not ashamed of the laws he knew he had technically broken. He would do anything for Jim. It may have taken a while, but he was starting to realize just how far that 'anything' went. He loved the kid like a son, and he would help him in any way he could. "A couple of years, sir," he replied, voice just as devoid of any strong emotions. Indeed, his tone portrayed nothing but polite interest. "When I was made aware of the current situation, I took it upon myself to notify Captain Kirk and summon him back to Earth."

Kimkiana nodded, somewhat absentmindedly as he digested the new information. Truth to tell, he was less concerned with just how the admiral had discovered information he himself had not even been privy to. He was mostly focused on the fact that the most well known captain in Starfleet had been famous – at least in certain circles – long before he had rid them of the threat of Nero and saved the universe. When word got out that the Hero of the Federation had been on Tarsus when everything had gone to Hell… well, he was glad that he hadn't been the President fifteen years ago. He had no doubt that if this had happened under his reign, he would be forced out of office faster than a starship could make the jump to warp. Of course, the chances were relatively good that if he didn't spin this right, the public would demand his removal anyway. He was standing on the edge of a knife, and he would need to play this as a masterful politician if he had any hope of escaping this unscathed. He hoped he was up to the task. He supposed it would all depend on how he came across at this meeting. If he offended Kirk in any way, he knew he could kiss his job good bye.

Kimikana was about to reply, when a sound diverted his attention. Both he and the admiral turned to the door, just in time to see it open, and the subject of their conversation walked in.

**XXX**

Jim took a deep breath and let it out, resting a hand against the wall next to the door as he tried to control his thoughts. Once he stepped inside that room, it would all be out. He could no longer pretend that it wasn't a daily presence in his life. Once this meeting began, it would all become real. Governor Kodos was really here. He was really going to be tried for all his crimes, and it would really all be over. At least, it would for most people. Jim knew it would never be over for him. For him, and all of the people who had lived it, he knew they would never be able to leave.

Those horrors would be permanently etched in their minds. It wasn't the type of wound that ever healed. It just sort of scabbed over; a temporary fix, but it never really stopped bleeding.

A light pressure drew Jim out of his morose thoughts, and he turned slightly, managing a tight smile as he met Tom's steady gaze. The scientist returned the look, moving his hand until he was clasping his friend's arm firmly, but not uncomfortably. It was more a gesture of friendship, a sign of companionship. Tom used the contact to bring his friend back to the present.

Kevin stepped forward on Jim's other side, sliding his hand into the captain's; when the older man turned to face the cadet, his smile dropped slightly. Kevin's gaze was earnest, with a hint of fear and anxiety that spoke of more hiding beneath the surface. Jim squeezed his younger friend's hand comfortingly, trying to pass along his own feelings, to let the cadet know he wasn't alone, and at the same time to reassure him.

McCoy stayed back, letting the other two help his friend. He knew he wasn't really a part of this group, and he couldn't help Jim the way those two could. Neither Kevin nor Tom had questioned the doctor's presence, surprisingly. They knew why he was there.

It took close to a minute, but eventually, both men could see that their efforts were helping. Jim kept his grip on Kevin's hand for another moment before he let go, offering up a much more genuine smile for the two men he had survived Hell with. It meant so much more than he could ever say that these two were here, helping him, going through this with him.

The smile dropped again as he turned to face the door, and with a deep breath, he stepped forward and steeled himself as the door opened.

Moving into the room, Jim's eyes were immediately drawn towards Pike, who was sitting at the table, looking as tense as he was sure he felt. Two other men that he assumed to be lawyers were at the end of the table, while another man was seated at the head closest to the door. His back was to the newcomers, though, so Jim wasn't sure who it was.

Until the stranger turned around and stood up. Jim only had one thought on his mind as this man's identity was revealed. And it wasn't anything that he would feel comfortable sharing in present company.

It wasn't that Jim hadn't spent time in the company of the Federation President before, but usually it was under better circumstances. And usually, he didn't receive more than a few moments worth of attention, before the man was on his way.

Glancing back at Pike as he snapped off a salute, Jim could see the apology and empathy in the older man's eyes. _Shit._ This meeting had obviously diverged from what the admiral had thought it to be. With the Federation President in attendance, Jim didn't doubt there would be much more digging for information than he – or Tom or Kevin – would be comfortable with.

"Captain Kirk," Kimikana greeted with an austere nod. Jim returned the gesture stiffly, his expression carefully blank, though those who knew him well could see the telltale signs of stress in the tightness around his eyes and the slight pinch to his lips.

In silence, the group settled around the table, with Jim occupying the seat on Pike's left, the lawyers moved over to sit on the President's right, leaving one chair empty between themselves and the president, and Kevin and Tom situated themselves on Jim's left. McCoy settled next to Tom, out of the way of the main group, but close enough to be a part of it. Half of the table remained empty, with seating for at least another half dozen, though those in attendance were quite glad for the lack of audience.

Jim forced himself not to turn towards the president; he knew exactly why the man was there, but Pike had told him what the purpose of this meeting was, and he wasn't going to let anyone – even the Federation President – hijack it. He hoped that Pike could keep his superior in line, because he wasn't altogether certain he would be able to actively disobey a direct order, should the other man resort to that.

The door opened once more, just as everyone was settling down, and all eyes turned to watch an older man enter the room; he appeared to be around the same age as Pike, his hair graying around the edges, but with a hint of steel in his gaze that reminded Jim of his mentor.

Pike and Kimikana both stood up once more to greet the newcomer, who had a firm handshake for each man. A slight upturn of his lips for the admiral betrayed his pleasure at seeing his old friend present for this meeting. The president was a slightly less pleasant surprise, but in truth, something that couldn't be avoided. Really, with a case of this magnitude, he should have seen it coming.

Once the first two greetings were out of the way, he turned to the three men in the room that he knew only as names in a file. Jim Kirk was, of course, more well known, but he was acquainted with the other two, though he was quite certain there was much more to the case than the flimsy file he had in his possession. He spared a glance for the stranger seated with the group, before focusing back on the reason they were all there.

Jim was the first of the three to stand, but the other two followed in quick succession, almost as if they had been waiting for his signal. He held out his hand, the question clear in his eyes.

The newest member of their meeting returned the handshake firmly. "Attorney General Marcus Robbins. It's a pleasure to meet you, Captain Kirk."

There was no other reaction than a slight widening of the younger man's eyes. Robbins caught the covert glance the captain threw towards Pike; he also saw the minute nod the admiral answered with. Something in Jim's gaze softened slightly, and somehow, Robbins could tell that the captain in front of him was willing to trust him. All because of a tiny nod from Admiral Pike. _Interesting._

Robbins turned to the other two men, and greeted them in turn. Once that was over with, he took the seat left open to him, on the other side of Kimikana, and next to the two lawyers that had been present since the beginning of the meeting. Quickly introducing them as his assistants and promising their discretion, he got down to business.

And the first order of business was finding out who the man scowling at the Federation President was. "I must admit to some surprise," he admitted, drawing the man's attention to him. "I was under the impression that this was a closed door meeting."

The man looked briefly at Captain Kirk, who nodded, just once, the corner of his mouth twisting up in a tiny smile, before he looked back at the Attorney General and introduced himself. "Doctor McCoy, CMO for the _Enterprise_."

Robbins nodded slowly, quirking one eyebrow in silent question. McCoy opened his mouth, but Kirk overrode him. "I asked him to be here." His voice was defiant, almost daring any of his superiors to challenge his decision.

No one did. Robbins looked briefly at Pike, who just shook his head slightly. The Attorney General quenched the urge to smile at the admiral's easy acceptance, and simply nodded again, and continued with the meeting before Kimikana could protest.

Accepting a PADD from one of the lawyers, he took a quick glance around the table before making a swift decision. Anyone with any common sense would choose to focus his attention on the most senior ranking official in the room; but this meeting wasn't supposed to include the Federation President, and he would not let the man take over his case. Choosing instead to split his focus between Pike and Kirk, he began. "All right, the way I see it, we've got roughly twelve hours before Kodos arrives," he started, noting but not bringing attention to the shudders that wracked the frames of both Tom and Kevin, or the slight stiffening of the captain seated across from him. "We've managed to keep any word of this out of the press, but once Kodos gets here and the trial starts, I can't hold out much hope."

He was interrupted by Kimikana, ever the politician. "Will we really want to keep it quiet? If we take the initiative and spin this the right way –"

"No."

Being interrupted was not something the President was used to, and he broke off, surprised, as he turned to meet the steely gaze of Admiral Pike. "I beg your pardon, Admiral?" he queried, careful to keep his voice neutral.

Pike never wavered. "With all due respect, _Mr. President_, this is about bringing a killer to justice. We're not here to try and spin this into some political story to make you look good. This is about closure. It's fifteen years too late, but it's the least we can do for everyone affected by that genocide. They all deserve better than this. We're here to go over testimonies, and set up a plan for trial. You don't need to be here for that, though I think we all know why you are." His eyes flashed dangerously, and Kimikana at least had the good sense to look slightly ashamed. Pike continued, his jaw set determinedly. "Don't think we can't see the bigger picture here, but, sir, don't you dare sit there and try to twist this to your own gain. I _will not _let you." They could all hear what Pike was really saying. He wouldn't let _anyone_, not even the Federation President, hurt his kid. There was no doubt that the last seven years had seen Captain James Kirk firmly take the place of 'son' in the eyes of Christopher Pike. He would do anything for the kid, including be the father figure he knew Jim desperately wanted, but would never admit.

Complete silence met Pike's surprising statement. Kimikana was still trying to wrap his head around the public dressing down. It wasn't like he could dispute any of it, he just wasn't used to being addressed in such a manner. He hadn't been in years.

When it became clear that he wasn't going to respond, Robbins coughed lightly, clearing his throat. Concealing a small grin at the President's discomfort, he quickly maneuvered the conversation back to the trial.

_I do so love it when Pike shows his protectiveness of Jim. I love that relationship almost as much as I love the relationship between Jim and Bones._

_Please review!_


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: don't own**

When the meeting was over, Kimikana was the first to leave. As he quickly made his exit, Pike and Robbins shared knowing grins. They both enjoyed seeing the Federation President running away with his tail between his legs.

Turning to his side, Pike observed his pseudo son unobtrusively. Jim seemed to be in an intense conversation with Tom, while Kevin and McCoy watched; strangely, there didn't seem to be much dialogue. Captain and scientist appeared to be communicating silently, and understanding each other perfectly. Pike assumed that they had had a lot of practice, though the thought didn't do much to settle his stomach, and instead conjured up images of malnourished teenage boys hiding in woods where any noise could mean their deaths.

Kevin did not seem to be a part of the silent exchange, but that didn't appear to bother him. It looked like he was used to it, if the small smile that twitched at his lips was any indication.

McCoy also seemed to be an outsider, though slightly more affected by it than the cadet. Pike realized that he was used to being in Tom's position, so to be left out like this probably annoyed him.

Robbins set a PADD down on the table rather harshly, drawing the attention back to him. "It was a pleasure to meet you Captain Kirk, Doctors Leighton and McCoy, Cadet Riley," he said as he stood up. The four mentioned followed suit, each shaking hands with the Attorney General. Sighing softly, Robbins took in the younger men in front of him. The three that were the reason he was in this room looked… haunted. Not much of a surprise, of course. He was quite certain he would have nightmares tonight, just from what he had heard in the last couple of hours. He couldn't imagine what horrors haunted those three kids' dreams. He was under no illusions that he knew even a quarter of what had happened on that planet. McCoy looked pained. Robbins had heard a great deal about Kirk and McCoy; their friendship was legendary, so he supposed it wasn't much of a surprise to see that the doctor was hurting almost as much as the captain right now. And he really shouldn't have been so surprised that the doctor had crashed the meeting; it did make sense, after all, that Kirk would want his best friend with him.

Robbins waited an extra minute, until his assistants were all packed up, and then, with a last nod at Pike, the three lawyers left.

When they had disappeared, the admiral turned back to the younger men standing in front of him. He catalogued every sign of stress and melancholy, before focusing on one man in particular. "Jim, do you think we could talk for a few minutes?"

Jim glanced from Kevin to Tom, and then to McCoy, and upon receiving their nods, he looked back at the older man. "Sure," he replied, taking a seat once more.

"We'll wait outside," Tom said, turning his gaze from Jim to Pike, expression unreadable.

Another swish of the door, and captain and admiral were alone.

Chris took the seat next to Jim, turning so that he was facing the younger man, studying, assessing, determining just how bad it was.

He was worried. Jim looked… tired. No, more like exhausted. Like life had just caught up with him all of a sudden, and he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Pike knew the chances of Jim having moved on from the horrors of Tarsus IV were slim to none, but he also knew that the younger man had most likely locked it all away for the last fifteen years, refusing to let it interfere with his life. Because James Tiberius Kirk was a fighter. And he wouldn't let Kodos win.

Pike sighed. "Jim…" he trailed off as he watched the man next to him deflate rapidly, suddenly looking even more worn out, and Pike came to the realization that what he had seen before had been Jim hiding his true state. _Crap_.

Chris shifted forward, moving his chair slightly so that he was closer to Jim. He rested his arm on the table, making sure his hand was close enough to clasp Jim's if he got a sign, but he made no move to just yet.

"Thank you." Jim's voice was quite, barely a whisper, but Pike heard. He also heard the genuine sincerity in the words

Pike's lips quirked in a half smile. Over the last seven years, he had kept a close eye on Jim Kirk. He had spent a great deal of time earning the younger man's trust, and he had made a vow to himself, pretty much at the moment he had recognized just who it was bruised and bleeding on the floor of a bar in Nowheresville, Iowa all those years ago, that he wouldn't let this kid down. Too many people already had. Jim Kirk deserved better than that. Not because of who his father was, but because he was a human being, who deserved to have someone tell him they were proud of him; who deserved to know that he was wanted. Jim Kirk deserved to know that he was loved. So many people took that simple given for granted, but Pike wasn't altogether certain Jim had known that he was lovable, until he had come to the Academy. Pike would be willing to bet that McCoy was the first person to really show Jim what it meant to have people in your life who cared about you.

Jim's shoulders hunched as he leaned forward, elbows on the table, tangling his hands in his hair. Without conscious thought, Pike was moving again, resting his hand lightly on the captain's shoulder, squeezing gently.

The two stayed like that for several minutes, before Jim spoke again, face still hidden. "I didn't know it was possible to shock the President like that. I don't think you did yourself any favors, though."

Pike shrugged, unconcerned. "He was out of line. I just gave him a warning."

"But still –"

"No, Jim," Pike interrupted, sitting up a little in his chair. "Don't try to apologize, or spout some self-sacrificing crap like I know you want to." Jim snorted, sounding half-hysterical. "Kimikana is a politician. That's how he thinks, and he doesn't always realize that there are real people involved. He looks at this cluster-fuck, and he sees an opportunity. It's how he's trained, and he doesn't really see the thousands of people who were affected, who after fifteen years, can finally get some closure. What he sees is a potential nightmare that could cost him his position as president. Maybe it's not right, but it's who he is. And he's not a bad man, just a politician." Pike paused for a few moments, to let that sink in, before he changed the topic to what he had originally intended. "Jim, I just want you to know how proud I am." The young captain jerked slightly, looking almost confused. He didn't lift his head, but he did tilt it slightly in the admiral's direction. "You were great, this afternoon. I know this must be tough, I can imagine what you must be feeling, even if I can't relate. But Jim, just because you're a captain, doesn't mean you can't admit to needing help. Locking it all up won't work forever, you need to talk about it. With me, or McCoy, or Spock, or anyone else, just talk to someone. Please."

Pike sounded almost pleading at the end, and it was that, more than anything he had said, that caused Jim to finally look up. His eyes were shining with held-back tears. He still wouldn't look the admiral in the eyes, his gaze rested more around the space in between Pike's arm and the table. His expression turned almost pensive, and increasingly haunted, as the silence dragged on.

Finally, it was broken by Jim's preoccupied whisper. "I could've done more, I _should've_ done more –"

"No, Jim," Pike cut in gently. "You did all you could."

Jim shook his head stubbornly. "If I had been better, I could have saved them. Cory wouldn't have to live with the guilt of his sister's death. Maybe we could have saved more. In the end, all I was, was a victim."

"You're not a victim, Jim. You're a survivor. That's what you need to remember. In the end, you survived."

Jim snorted again. "Yeah. That's pretty much the story of my life. That's what it'll say on my headstone: James Kirk. He survived." The captain looked up, finally meeting Pike's worried gaze. "I don't want to _survive_ anymore. When do I get to start _living_?"

The silence that followed that revelation was heavy. Pike honestly wasn't sure how to respond. He couldn't ignore the pleading in the younger man's eyes. There was pain there, and suffering. A lifetime of it. All of a sudden, Chris realized that James Kirk was not even thirty years old, and had faced hardships that most people could never even dream of, their whole lives. From the death of loved ones, to the genocide of a population; the twisted ideas of more than one madman. Pike could only hope that he had made at least some small bit of difference.

He needn't have worried. Jim was well aware of the fact that, before Pike and Bones, he would never have even dreamed of sharing this burden. And he had certainly never expressed himself with McCoy the way he was with his mentor at this moment.

Pike sighed. "I wish I could say something to make it all better, Jim," he replied, shifting slightly closer to the young captain. "I guess you could try to start now. Don't let the past control you; you're the captain of the Federation flagship. You're the youngest captain in Federation history."

Jim let out a half grunt, half snort. "Yeah, get put on academic probation, sneak on board a constellation class starship, trick an emotionally compromised Vulcan into beating me up, save a planet, get a flagship. That's how it should work."

"They gave you command because you're good," Pike interrupted. He ignored Jim's snort of derision and continued. "All captains need to be able to think outside the box. You've got the unique perspective of not even knowing the box exists to think outside of. You break the very laws of nature, simply because you believe it's possible. The problem too many of us have is that we grow up knowing that some things can't be done. You, on the other hand, don't believe in no win scenarios; you think it's possible, therefore it is."

Jim remained silent, digesting what Chris was telling him as he stared at the table. He had always known that being a captain required a certain open-mindedness, one of the reasons Spock was so content as First Officer – being Vulcan, he didn't possess that type of flexibility; he needed the time to analyze each situation before making a logical decision. He simply wasn't capable of being able to make command decisions on the fly, where a few seconds could mean the difference between life and death.

Those were the types of situations that Jim thrived on. In four years, he had proven to everyone in the Federation, and the universe, that he had what it took to be an amazing captain. He was talented, smart, and had great instincts. _The Enterprise_ had one of the lowest mortality rates in Starfleet.

Finally, Jim looked back up at his mentor. Chris could still see the clouds in his eyes, and he looked older and more tired than the admiral had ever seen him, but when he smiled, the pain dimmed slightly, and the older man could see the sincerity in his gaze. "Thanks," he said softly.

Pike nodded, reaching out to grasp the captain's hand; he squeezed lightly, making sure to keep eye contact as he replied, "You know I'm always here for you, Jim. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to, but it might help. I'll always be free to listen to whatever you want to share. I would also suggest opening up to McCoy. He's got a good head on his shoulders, and he would move mountains for you."

Jim looked down briefly. "I know," he whispered. Pike was heartened to see the happiness that briefly overrode all the other depressing thoughts, even if it was just for a moment.

Pike let the younger man sit in silence for another few minutes, clearly thinking about the irritable doctor; it was easy to tell where his thoughts were, with the way he seemed slightly lighter, slightly less troubled. Chris was glad that Jim had someone like that in his life; someone he could turn to and trust, unconditionally. The admiral knew that the crew of the _Enterprise_ was much closer than most; particularly the command crew. He had always had good relationships with his crews on various ships, but never as close as Jim held with those who served under him. He figured it had something to do with the way that group had come together. Their working relationship hadn't been cultivated over many months, worked at and eventually hardened to trust and camaraderie. No, their bond had been almost forced; forged in fire with no time to second-guess anything. They had been required to trust from the get-go, because it was that or die.

Pike admired them for the way they were able to come together the way they had. He admired the way they hadn't lost anything when the threat had been neutralized. If anything, those bonds had only gotten stronger. After it was over, and the adrenaline had worn off, they had still leaned on each other, looked out for each other, relied on each other. It had been a long few weeks, returning to Earth with no warp core, and Pike had more than expected some sort of conflict or hostility, at the very least between Kirk and Spock, or maybe Kirk and Uhura. Instead, he had been pleased to see the camaraderie that had sprung up between temporary captain and first officer, and the cautious friendship Uhura had extended to her one-time rival.

Jim had surprised him as well. Well, at the time, he had been surprised. Kirk had seemed to grow up almost instantly, and had begun to act like the captain Pike knew he was capable of being. Now, Chris was more aware of just why Jim was so comfortable in those do or die situations; he was a combat captain. He thrived on life or death situations, a skill he had obviously developed early on in life. And after all these years, Pike finally knew _why_.

Jim cleared his throat, breaking the admiral's train of thought. "I should probably get back…" He jerked his head towards the door, indicating the three men standing right outside, waiting for him.

Pike nodded, and stood up. He worked out the kinks in his shoulders and neck as the captain quickly regained control of his emotions. When the mask was back in place – still solid, though slightly less firm than usual, although no one who did not know the young man very well would recognize the pain hidden in his eyes – he sighed softly. When Chris quirked an eyebrow questioningly, Jim smiled slightly and answered the silent query. "I was just thinking about how much things are going to change," he said, voice pained, and with a hint of wistfulness for times long past and days that would never return.

Chris nodded once, and then reached out to grasp Jim's shoulder lightly. "Things always change," he replied. "I won't lie, this will bring a lot of unwanted attention on you, but I highly doubt your crew will see you differently. You've already proven yourself to them, and any one of them would walk through fire for you if you asked them, and run through it even if you didn't. They care about you, and that will never change. Do you really think your friends will treat you differently? Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty? What about McCoy? Those people would die for you. They would sacrifice anything for you. They are your family and they will always love you. It's unconditional."

Jim flinched slightly, but didn't respond. He knew what Pike was saying, but the scared little kid inside of him just didn't want to acknowledge it. Because then it would hurt that much more if it turned out to not be true.

Chris waited a minute, and then, without waiting for a response, simply gave the younger man a hug, squeezing reassuringly, and left without another word.

Jim stayed there for another few moments, collecting himself, before he too exited the now empty conference room.

_It's a little shorter than the last couple chapters, but I really thought it should stand on its own. Hope you enjoy, and p__lease review!_


	17. Chapter 17

**So, I'm a little nervous about this chapter. It wasn't at all what I intended for it to be when I started writing it, but I don't usually try to fight what comes out, so I left it as it is. Not that I think it's bad, I'm just worried it doesn't really flow with the story. I tried my best, but if you don't like it, I'm very sorry. But please, no flames if that's the case!**

**Disclaimer: not mine**

Nyota Uhura stopped outside a specific door and took a deep breath, suddenly doubting what she had come here to do.

"I do not believe the captain will turn you away."

Uhura jumped and spun around, letting out a breath when she saw Spock standing behind her, hands clasped behind his back in a parade rest.

"Spock! What are you doing here?" she asked, still trying to get her breathing back to normal.

The Vulcan tilted his head to the side slightly, causing Nyota to smile a little. Even after all those years amongst humans, he could still be so… Vulcan. It was incredibly endearing. Not for the first time, Uhura lamented terminating their relationship. But being rational, she knew it had been the right thing to do. She and Spock could have been great, but they were better as friends. No, their break up was not something she regretted.

And then Spock spoke, bringing her back out of her thoughts.

"I would assume that my reasons for standing in this particular hallway are similar to your own."

Though he said no more out loud, Nyota knew how to read beneath the surface with him. And once more, she marveled at how the enigmatic man they were both so concerned with was able to elicit such emotions from a Vulcan. James Kirk was truly a unique person. Kind, and thoughtful, passionate and intense. And after all she had learned in the last few days, she knew he had depth.

The naïve her, from seven years ago, might have thought he would be spreading that nightmare all around, using the sob story to pick up chicks, because all she had seen him as was a playboy.

Fast forward seven years, and she knew that she had been an idiot. Jim Kirk had proven her wrong so many times over the years. That was just one more misconception she had to get rid of. Seven years, and she was still surprised by how much Jim hid from the world.

She had learned so much about him, and yet, she felt like she barely knew him at all. Every time some new tidbit came to light, it made her to re-evaluate her captain. Jim was a contradiction, and he was quickly forcing her to just throw out everything she had ever thought about him, and start from scratch.

When she had first met him, she had come up with assumptions and conjectures; she had labeled him as a dumb hick, farm boy, and womanizing player. She had seen him as someone who never hid anything, because there simply wasn't anything there to hide.

Looking back now, she knew she had been an idiot. She could see how his attitude then had just been a cover. Three years at the Academy with the man, and he had had everyone fooled. Everyone except, of course, the grouchy doctor who had made himself a permanent fixture by Kirk's side.

McCoy had stuck by his friend, through thick and thin, and Uhura was convinced that the doctor would follow Jim anywhere, through anything. And after seven years, farm boy was more a term of an endearment than anything else. He was like the big brother she had secretly always wanted but would never admit. And she knew, without a doubt, she would be right there alongside the doctor: she would follow James Kirk anywhere. Because he deserved her trust, her devotion. He deserved her love. He was a good leader, and he had proved time and again that her trust and faith in him was not misplaced.

Her anger at allowing herself to believe the lies was somewhat tempered by the fact that, as much as he had fooled her, at least she wasn't too full of pride to allow herself to change her opinions. She was capable of adjusting and amending her beliefs.

Spock allowed his colleague a few minutes to collect her thoughts, and when he sensed her coming back to the present, he stepped forward, and gave the door a precise knock.

There was a moment of silence, before hearing a slight scuffle, followed quickly by the door opening.

McCoy blinked the sleep out of his eyes as he took in the lieutenant and commander on the threshold. He wasn't exactly surprised to see them standing there, though he wished they could have waited until a more reasonable hour. Not that it was particularly early, but he and Jim hadn't gotten to bed until very late. The younger man had tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, before McCoy had had enough, hearing the noise through the open bedroom door, and abandoned the couch. Once he had joined his captain, the night had gone much smoother; Jim had fallen asleep rather quickly after that, but McCoy had lain awake for a while longer, trying to puzzle through the feelings he was experiencing.

Lying in bed with Jim, even when nothing was going on, felt strange. Not bad strange, more strange because it didn't feel strange. It didn't feel wrong. If anything, it felt _right_. He always felt that way when he was with his best friend. Lying there, unable to sleep, he had been allowed to think over the feelings and emotions that had been surfacing over the last few days. The worry, the anger, the pain… and not just his. He could almost _feel_ the sentiments radiating off his best friend. He wished there was something he could do to change it, but in the end, he was only human. All he could do was be there for the younger man. To be his friend, his confidant, his pillar when it all got to be too much. He had fallen into that role seven years ago, and he would be damned if he would give it up now.

After taking in the duo waiting patiently, and feeling slightly more awake as his brain caught up with him, McCoy grimaced and stepped back from the doorway, allowing them to enter. Before he could close the door, however, company called again, this time in the form of Doctor Leighton and Cadet Riley. The two men were quickly making their way down the hall, so, swallowing a glare, McCoy simply waited for them to enter, before he closed the door and turned to face the group.

"It's too early for this," he grumbled under his breath as he made his way across the room to the bedroom.

"It's after ten," Kevin replied cheerfully, unaware, or ignoring the fact that the doctor had been speaking to himself. "Just what were you two doing last night, that would have you sleeping in?"

Uhura watched the scene with interest, focusing on the Chief Medical Officer. She smiled as she noted his discomfort, and… _was that a blush_? Now her curiosity was piqued, but four years on the same starship as the crotchety man warned her to keep silent. Still, it was fun to watch. And she vowed to bring it up another time, perhaps when the doctor in question was in a slightly better mood.

The conversation stopped when the bedroom door opened just before McCoy reached it, to reveal the man they had all come to see.

Jim rubbed his eyes lightly, taking in the people in front of him, and letting out an almost inaudible sigh as he made his way to the small kitchen. A few thuds and bangs caused Uhura to raise an eyebrow, and McCoy, Kevin, and Tom to attempt – and fail – to hide knowing smiles.

Any questions were cut off by the reappearance of the captain, now equipped with two cups of coffee. Silently, he held one out for McCoy, as he sipped from the other.

McCoy nodded his thanks as he accepted the mug. He had to hold in the grimace as he tasted the brew – replicators really could not replace the taste of a good old fashioned cup of coffee. But, as Jim was hardly ever at his apartment on campus, he had decided it wasn't worth it to get a real coffee maker. He had managed to get one installed in his quarters on the _Enterprise_, of course, which McCoy took great delight in utilizing whenever he felt the need. Sometimes, it really paid to have friends in Engineering – though perhaps the coffee maker had been a bit of bribery on behalf of Scotty, in return for the captain not saying anything about that 'secret' distillery he had hidden down there. McCoy figured that was more likely, though he wasn't going to complain - about the coffee maker, _or_ the distillery. Both had come in handy, multiple times over the years.

Tom didn't even try to hold in the smile, as Jim ducked back into the kitchen and returned with more cups for his other visitors. "So, who won this time?" he asked as he accepted the mug offered to him.

Jim glared first at him, and then at Kevin, who had let out a snort of laughter at the question, before he turned his gaze to the entrance to the kitchen. "One of these days, I'm going to acquaint that thing with the pavement," he growled. "I swear, it's like it's mocking me."

Uhura and Spock looked on in confusion as the rest of them laughed at Jim's annoyance, but let it go when no explanation was offered. After all, if they wanted them to know, they would tell them, right?

Silence reigned comfortably as the six of them sat down on various perches around the room. There weren't enough seats for all of them, so it didn't raise much suspicion when Kevin decided to forgo a more comfortable seat in favor of settling down on the floor next to Jim, who had taken up the chair at his desk, while Uhura, Spock, and Tom claimed the couch, and McCoy settled almost subconsciously against the wall on the other side of Jim, leaning back comfortably and making no move to sit down.

It remained quiet for several minutes, and no one made any move to break it. Jim was content to just sit and be in the company of his friends; after all, they had come to see him. If they had something they wanted to discuss, they would bring it up.

He had to admit, he was glad it had been the Commander and Lieutenant who had come to visit him; while he truly enjoyed the company of all of his command crew, those were the two he felt most comfortable in the presence of – excepting his CMO, of course. Spock and Uhura were the least likely to show him pity, or to change how they acted around him. And he would never be able to fully express how much that meant to him.

It was Uhura who finally broke the silence. Finishing her coffee, she leaned forward to set the mug down on the table, before settling back and turning her intelligent gaze on her captain. "You know, I never asked you why."

Jim raised an eyebrow in confusion, until Uhura clarified, "Four years ago. You took the Kobayashi Maru twice, and failed both times. What made you decide to go again, and cheat?"

Everyone turned to look at Jim; they had all wondered the same thing at one point or another, though McCoy was the only one with whom he had actually shared his reasons.

Jim supposed he wasn't surprised it was Uhura who was asking, as he knew Spock – though no less curious – would never actually ask. And Kevin and Tom hadn't been there at the time, though Kevin, at least, had undoubtedly heard about what had happened.

After observing his communications officer for several minutes, he responded with a query of his own. "Why now?" he asked mildly. "It's been four years, why bring it up now? What does it matter?"

Uhura winced slightly, but not enough for anyone except Kirk and Spock to notice. She shrugged. "There was never a good time before. When it happened, I hated you. I hated that you never seemed to try, and still came out at the top of the class. You just seemed like such an ass, and a womanizer, and –"

"A dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals?" Jim cut her off, smiling.

Uhura returned the grin, nodding slightly. "The last four years we've worked together, you force me to reevaluate my conceptions of you almost daily. I like to think we've become much closer over the years." Here, she paused briefly, as if waiting for something. When Jim nodded his agreement to her assessment, she continued. "And you've answered a lot of questions I've had about your attitude back then." It was true, he had formed quite a bond with her, once they had been able to sit down and clear the air about all the crap he had pulled at the Academy. "But I realized that this was one thing I never asked about. That test was designed for you to fail. You didn't have anything to prove, and you weren't supposed to get a passing grade on it. So why did you do it?"

Jim settled back as he silently contemplated her question. When he had his arguments in place, he met her gaze with his own steady one, and answered. "If you think about what you just said, you can find my reasons." After a moment in which he allowed them all to think about what he was saying, he continued, clarifying, "The test was designed to be unwinnable. I don't believe in no-win scenarios." His tone took on an almost haunted quality. "I can't believe in them. After all this, I'm sure you can understand why." He waited until he saw her hesitantly nod. "I thought about what the test was trying to teach, and then I thought that there was no good reason to teach a potential captain to just give up in the face of death." He saw Spock almost wince at that, but he didn't draw attention to it. "I couldn't believe it at first, but when I took it for the second time, I realized it was true. I couldn't understand why Starfleet would teach potential captains that they should just give up before they try. It's unwinnable, so don't bother? I know exactly how the Kobayashi Maru came into being, but I know the differences too. And that is _not_ how my father died." Another, more pronounced wince came from Uhura, and he could read regret in his First Officer's eyes. A subtle headshake let the Vulcan know that he wasn't blaming him for anything. "The goal of every captain is to get his crew out safely. The Kobayashi Maru makes that impossible. There's simply no way in its given parameters to allow for a safe evacuation. It's just not right. The test is all about the situation. It's unwinnable. I didn't agree with that, so I changed the situation. After all, isn't the mark of a good captain his or her ability to think outside the box? Isn't being a good captain about defeating the odds, and finding a way to keep his or her crew safe, no matter what?"

Silence once again reigned as they all thought about his answer. Not one of them could find flaw with the explanation, and in fact, it brought certain other questions to light. Why _were_ they trying to teach captains that sometimes you just had to give up? It certainly seemed like something that could and should be rectified. Spock made a mental note to do just that; surely with all the geniuses they employed, Starfleet would be able to come up with a new simulation that would train their potential captains better than the one they had now.

Uhura nodded her understanding. That certainly fit with what she knew about her captain. She wouldn't have been able to see it four years ago, but now that she knew him better… she could see why he would rail against the idea that there were some things he just couldn't win. And he was correct. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right, what the test was trying to do.

Jim twisted his cup in his hands as he continued, once he had judged that they had all had time to absorb his explanation. "Spock, four years ago, you told me that the purpose of that test was to inspire fear. But a simulation can't do that." He looked up and met his First Officer's gaze head on, expression filled with a range of emotions, only a few of which the science officer could actually identify: pain, anger, sadness, something he thought might be regret, but there were many more, hidden and unidentifiable. "Nero, Tarsus, that's what inspires fear," he continued ruthlessly, ignoring the flinches around the room. "Real people, real situations. No simulation can do that, because we know it's not actually happening. There's a do over, a reset button. You can try again, and again, until you get it right. What happens out there in the black, that's real, and that's what causes captains to grow, and learn. Real life. You can't teach that."

Spock understood, though he was just human enough to not want to admit to his mistake. At the tribunal four years ago, he had seen a cocky kid who thought he was better than the system. Now that he had more information, he knew that no simulation could teach Jim Kirk better than the Hell he had already endured. No Kobayashi Maru would inspire fear in a man who had already dealt with the horror of genocide. He nodded his comprehension, a silent apology and acceptance hidden in the gesture, though by the way Jim's eyes lightened slightly, he believed his captain understood.

When the silence became uncomfortable, Uhura leaned forward. "So what do you all have planned for today?" she asked, looking between Jim, Tom, and Kevin.

Kevin shrugged. "A couple of classes," he replied, as he looked over at the chrono and winced. "Crap," he muttered, before explaining that he was supposed to be in a lecture that had started half an hour ago.

Jim smiled. "I'll sort it out with your professor," he promised. At Kevin's hopeful look, he snorted. "Sometimes, being captain of the Flagship has its benefits," he admitted ruefully. Kevin grinned in response.

Tom was the next to answer, as he explained that he had taken the week off work, and so had no set plans for the day.

When the attention turned to Jim, he shrugged, glancing over at McCoy as he replied, "I've got a meeting with Pike this afternoon, but not much else."

Nyota nodded. "I thought it might be nice for us to all have dinner together, if that's agreeable with you?" Jim raised an eyebrow, and she clarified, "Us, plus Sulu and Chekov. I'll even try and pry Scotty away from the _Enterprise_, but no promises."

Jim smiled at that. "Sounds good," he responded.

Uhura smiled over at Tom and Kevin. "You're both invited as well, of course," she said.

After sharing a glance, cadet and scientist turned to the communications officer. "We'd love to join," Tom answered for both of them.

Before anything else could be said, however, a furious pounding intruded on the calm of the room.

Frowning, McCoy pushed off the wall, and headed over to open the door. A pale-faced Sulu and Chekov were revealed as the door slid open. Scotty stood slightly behind them, looking slightly ashen, but more composed than the two younger men. All three of them tumbled into the room, looking sweaty and shaken.

Jim stood up immediately, his 'captain face' back on. "What's wrong?" he asked seriously, in that tone that left no doubt that he expected to be answered.

It was Sulu who replied, looking at his captain with what was clearly worry written into every line on his face. "Have you seen the news yet today?" he asked.

_Minor cliffie, I know. I really don't know where that conversation about the 'Maru came from. It probably could have gone into a separate one shot, but I've always wanted to write a conversation between Kirk and Uhura, about why he cheated, and as I started writing this chapter, it just kind of happened._

_Please review!_


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: don't own**

The media had found out. McCoy didn't know who, and he didn't know how, but if he ever found out, he would make the asshole _wish _for the days when they waterboarded people.

Jim watched the emerging story with a stony expression. Someone had discovered Kodos' imminent arrival to Earth. The whole story was being told, about the famine, the execution, and the survivors.

But the worst part was that somehow, someone had discovered his part in the story. There was a whole piece on 'JT', and how he had almost singlehandedly saved a dozen children from the massacre, and kept them alive for the months it took for Starfleet to show up. It told how nothing was known about 'JT' after it was all over; he had been rushed away in critical condition, and vanished once back on Earth. Most people thought he had died, until today, when it was discovered that the famous Captain James Tiberius Kirk was revealed to be the elusive child savior. It truly was quite the story.

Jim wished he could turn it off, but it was like he was glued to the spot.

Most of the room's inhabitants were also watching the broadcast, but McCoy couldn't take his eyes off of his best friend. Jim looked haunted, defiant, scared, angry, and miserable, all rolled into one. McCoy didn't think he'd ever seen that combination of emotions on his friend's face, not all at once. It scared him.

This was not how Jim had planned on telling his command crew about Tarsus. To be honest, he hadn't really thought much about how to tell them, but he would have preferred to do it himself. Unfortunately, that decision had been taken out of his hands.

Now, Spock, and Uhura, and Sulu, and Chekov, and Scotty were hearing about genocide, and torture, and not just in the general terms they had learned during that Ethics class at the Academy, but specifics. It wasn't abstract anymore, because it was about him. Some stranger was telling them about how he had seen countless people killed in front of him, about how he had saved a dozen other children, about how they had lived in the mountains for months. They called him a leader, even at age fourteen. And then…

There were pictures. Hospital records, images of him, emaciated, covered in bruises and still healing lacerations, tubes going everywhere.

Jim felt his stomach drop, even as part of his brain registered Uhura's gasp of shock, her hand flying to cover her mouth. Sulu and Chekov turned away from the screen at that photo, and followed McCoy's example of paying attention to their superior officer, who was still staring at the image of himself, the clear signs of torture mapped out across his teenaged body.

Another knock had Spock turning to open the door, knowing that no one else was thinking clearly enough to do so. Truthfully, he felt as awful as the rest of them; he was just better at compartmentalizing.

Somehow, he was not surprised to see Admiral Pike waiting on the other side of the door. The older man must surely have seen the news vids, and would be worried. Spock had seen how much the admiral cared about his captain. Jim had told him once that Pike was the only real father figure he had ever had. Which seemed odd, considering he had grown up with a stepfather – though it made more sense after he had learned about what kind of man Jim's stepfather was.

Offering up a nod, Spock stepped back to allow the admiral to enter.

Pike returned the nod, and his expression grew pained as he took in his favorite captain. Why would the man feel the need to torture himself like this?

McCoy finally looked away, taking note of Pike in the room. His own expression mirrored the admiral's, worry and pain written into every premature line around his eyes and mouth. Chris jerked his head towards the still playing news story, and McCoy nodded his understanding, moving quickly to turn it off.

Jim still stayed where he was, staring at the now blank screen, his eyes glazed over.

Chris held in a wince, moving until he was standing next to the man he considered a son. Jim gave no sign that he knew the admiral was there, until Chris put his hand on the younger man's shoulder, steeling himself for the flinch.

When it came, it was both expected and unexpected. Surprisingly, Jim made no move to pull away; instead, a shudder wracked his lithe frame, before he turned to face his commanding officer, burying his head in the older man's shoulder and encircling the man in a tight, desperate hug.

Pike returned the gesture just as firmly, promising himself, and through his actions, Jim, that he wouldn't let go. He would never let go.

Everyone else watched, feeling helpless, unable to do anything to help their captain, their friend, their brother, their _everything_.

After a minute of silence, with only the sound of Jim's repressed the sobs to fill the room, the captain took a shuddering breath and pushed himself back. The only sign of his loss of control was a slight reddening of his eyes, and his minutely heavier breathing.

To their credit, nobody made any comment on the side of their captain they were not used to seeing.

Jim wouldn't meet anyone's eyes, until McCoy stepped forward and rested a hand on his best friend's arm. Jim jerked slightly, and looked up at the doctor. No words were exchanged, but they must have had a conversation, because Jim nodded slightly after a long moment of silence, and McCoy let out a long sigh. It made no sense to anyone else watching, but they were all wise enough not to comment.

"Can we turn that back on?" Jim asked, nodding his head towards the blank screen.

Several people made sounds of protest, but Jim just overrode them all. "Know thy enemy," he said with a half smile, looking over at Tom and Kevin, who had remained silent since Sulu and Chekov had entered the room. Both of them returned the smile, recalling nights of Shakespeare quotes that made the fear retreat just a little bit, that made the situation seem not quite as bad as it was, even if it was only for a little while.

McCoy knew it was a bad idea, but Jim was insistent, so on his reluctant nod, Uhura complied, and turned the news back on, just in time to hear a recap, along with some new information that had just reached the reporter, about the presence of more witnesses against Kodos. It was Kevin and Tom's turn to panic, as they watched their own personal demons be unveiled to the world at large.

There was a loud roaring in Kevin's ears as one particularly gruesome image popped up on the screen. Shit, he hadn't realized at the time how bad he'd looked. Of course, it was nothing in comparison to Jim, but still.

He came back to awareness to find Jim's arms encircled around him. It was then that he realized he was shaking. The sobs wracked his sturdy frame, and he tried to focus on the words his former savior was whispering in his ear. It was mostly nonsense, something for him to listen to, to come back to the present. If the situation hadn't been so serious, Kevin would have smiled. This was the JT he remembered, the boy who would do anything to help others. He had shoved aside his own feelings in order to be there for the child he had once saved.

Making a conscious effort to pull himself together, Kevin sniffed loudly, and stepped back, taking several deep, steadying breaths. He studiously ignored the people watching them worriedly, and looked down at the floor, biting his lip.

Jim didn't comment, he simply slung an arm across the younger man's shoulders, and returned his attention to the news, which was now expounding on JT's kids, and how the three of them had been captured together as they had given the other children a chance to escape. It was a lot of fiction, mixed in with a few facts and a dash of speculation, and made Jim start a list in his mind of grievances to bring to the attention of the producers of this particular station at the first opportunity.

Tom had similar thoughts – there was no mention, for example, of how JT had practically forced them to leave him alone, or to hide from the soldiers, or of how they had steadfastly refused. There was no mention of how Kodos had threatened him and Kevin, in order to get JT to talk, or of how he had lied, and made JT watch while he whipped the pair of them into unconsciousness, or of how JT had soon followed, once his friends were out. There was nothing about the days of endless pain and suffering. The news anchor didn't talk about the gutless terror, the fear, the days and nights of wishing for the blissful oblivion of death.

An image of Tom and Kevin together came up, and Tom couldn't hold in the snort. "We really looked like crap, didn't we?" he asked, mostly rhetorically.

Jim glanced at him sharply, as if trying to determine whether or not he would need to be JT for him as well. He appeared to decide that it wasn't necessary, because he offered up a one-shouldered shrug, and nodded ruefully. "To be fair, we weren't really trying to win any beauty contests, though," he smirked. "We had other things on our minds."

The three of them laughed at that, while the rest looked on, expressions ranging from confused, to exasperated, to amused. The hint of hysteria in the laughter, however, alerted all of them to just how much those three were affected by this.

Tom shifted closer to Jim, who compliantly lifted his free arm slightly, allowing the shaken scientist to lean into the captain's embrace. His other arm squeezed Kevin closer, comforting, assuring him that everything would be all right.

"That's why we came back."

Jim looked over at Uhura, an eyebrow lifting in silent question, his shoulders tense.

Uhura was watching him with compassion, no hint of pity present in her gaze as she clarified, "It isn't just that you were there. They need you at the trial because you can identify him."

Chekov let out a quiet gasp as it suddenly clicked for him. He had seen the news story, and had the information, but for some reason, he hadn't equated hearing about his captain, his big brother, being tortured, with the Tarsus Nine.

The rest of them, however, seemed to have already had that information, or arrived at that conclusion, and so none of them were shocked by Uhura's statement. Jim's nod only confirmed what they had already known.

Pike's comm. beeped at that moment, cutting off anything that might have been said. The admiral answered the call, and they all listened, amused, as a rather flustered Federation President demanded to know how the press had gotten wind of the story, and what he was doing to fix it.

Chris rolled his eyes in Jim's direction, mouthing something that looked suspiciously like 'politicians', which caused Jim to snort in amusement, shaking his head as he chuckled lightly.

They all listened with half an ear as the admiral placated the president, and promised to get in touch with the Attorney General, and find out what had happened.

Pike ended the call and put the comm. away, letting out a sigh that successfully conveyed his exasperation and low tolerance for political figures that always seemed to be looking for someone to blame.

Jim seemed to understand completely, because he threw out a customary 'Kirk grin' as he offered, "I'll hold him down for you."

It was Pike's turn to snort, shaking his head at the offer, which he was only half certain was a joke. "I think some people would call that treason," he replied, though there was a hint of regret in the response that indicated he wished it would have been possible.

Jim shrugged, turning back to the young cadet tucked under his arm. "Depends on who you ask," he commented, squeezing Kevin closer as the younger man smiled slightly. Even after fifteen years, it was still so easy to slip back into their roles as protector and protected.

McCoy held in the snort at Jim's comment, knowing that anyone in the room would alibi both captain and admiral, should they feel the need to let their displeasure towards the president known.

Even without him making a sound, Jim still turned to look at the doctor; his expression said quite clearly that he knew exactly what the other man was thinking. McCoy's answering glare, however, deterred Jim from saying anything out loud. Crazy he might be, but he wasn't an idiot. And he quite liked various important parts of his anatomy attached.

No one commented on the actions of their captain and CMO, all being quite used to it by now. It definitely made them feel some semblance of normalcy, seeing just one aspect of their captain unchanged.

Pike was the first to move, turning the news report off once more. When Jim looked at him, he shook his head. "I don't care about 'knowing thy enemy'. You don't need to torture yourself like this, kid."

Jim snorted. "I've had enough torture in my life," he agreed, arm tightening around Kevin, as Tom subconsciously moved even closer to his friend.

Everyone else held their breath, but it was Chris who spoke, after taking several moments to observe and analyze the young man he loved like a son. Finally, he nodded slightly. "I don't doubt you have," he said quietly.

Letting out a sigh, and with an act of will he hadn't known he possessed, Pike turned away from his favorite captain, and looked around at the rest of the group. "Anyone else up for lunch? My treat."

Heroes they may have been, but not one of them would turn down a free meal, and so, less than a minute later, they were all making their way out of the barren apartment and heading to a relatively upscale restaurant off campus. Crowding around Jim, they were able to keep any press, or gawking cadets and civilians from getting close. Individually, they were all scary in their own rights; but together, they made a force to be reckoned with. The _Enterprise_ command crew formed a ring around Jim, Tom, and Kevin, and they managed to get to the restaurant in relative peace.

Pike had recommended the place because of its upper class nature; they had private rooms, and a staff that prided itself in discretion.

Lunch was an enjoyable affair, filled with good food and conversation. With that many geniuses sitting at one table, it was bound to include more intellectual discussions, and Spock, Tom, and Jim made sure to sit next to each other, once more sucked into a conversation about something that only they could comprehend.

Kevin sat on the other side of Jim, more for the comfort than anything else. Halfway through the meal, Jim's hand found his way into the younger cadet's, squeezing reassuringly, and effectively drawing Kevin's mind away from his dark thoughts. Neither man changed their attitude, and the meal continued to hold its pleasant air for its remainder.

When it was over, and Pike had paid, the group started to break up, making plans to meet again for dinner in a few hours.

After reminding Jim of their afternoon meeting, the admiral nodded his farewell and left the restaurant. Spock and Uhura were the next to leave, citing something about seeing to details within their departments. Scotty shuffled his feet and muttered an excuse concerning not trusting anyone else to oversee the upgrades on _his_ ship, before disappearing in the same direction as the communications and first officers. He did, however, promise to be there for dinner before he left, though none of them were quite certain he would actually make it. Scotty was notorious for disappearing into the engineering department for days at a time, completely forgetting that there was an outside world waiting for him.

After the chief engineer left, Kevin bit his lip and sighed. "I wish there was a way to get back onto campus without having to deal with all those people," he said, when everyone turned to look at him. The rest of them definitely agreed; the walk to the restaurant had definitely shown them that people were interested in the story. The officers had dealt with it to an extent four years previously, with the whole Nero thing, but that didn't mean they had to like it. And Jim, Tom, and Kevin definitely didn't want the recognition; they had spent fifteen years trying to forget.

Jim threw a sly glance at McCoy. "I think I might be able to help with that."

McCoy groaned, knowing exactly what his friend was talking about. "No, Jim," he all but growled. "I swore I would never take that short cut again."

Jim smirked, knowing exactly why the doctor was upset. After a moment, McCoy huffed. "You promised, Jim. Never again!"

The captain's smirk slid off his face, replaced by a too-innocent pout. His eyes widened and he leaned forward. "Not even for me?" he asked innocently.

McCoy growled again. He hated it when Jim pulled that expression up; he had to know exactly what it did to him, and he knew that if he showed him that face, the doctor would do anything he asked. "Fine," he grumbled, giving in but not liking it.

Jim immediately stood up, grinning at his CMO's acquiescence. The other five followed the captain, somewhat apprehensively. Any plan that had McCoy acting like this put all of them on guard.

"Where are we going?" Sulu asked, as the six of them wound their way through the crowd, moving quickly to avoid anyone taking a second look and realizing just who they were.

Rather than head directly towards the Academy, Jim was leading them in a different direction, down a hard to notice alley. In fact, if he hadn't deliberately pointed it out to them, none of them would have seen it.

Jim looked back at his favorite pilot, and smiled. "It's a short cut," he replied.

"And how did you find it?" Kevin chimed in, looking around with interest. Jim took a right, down yet another alley, and they could all see an opening ahead of them, the green and blue growing larger as they drew closer.

Jim just shrugged. "A little exploring off the beaten path," he answered cryptically.

McCoy snorted and shook his head. "Jim needed a way to sneak past security when he was drunk," he elaborated, ignoring his friend's indignant yelp. "He needed an alternative way to get back on campus at two o'clock in the morning when he was too drunk to pass through the check point at the main gate."

They all laughed at that, and at Jim's indignation.

"So why did you not want to take this route?" Tom asked.

McCoy grimaced, and, seeing Jim's expression of glee, quickly informed his friend, "I swear to god, Jim, you share that story and a hypo will find its way to you every morning for the rest of our five year mission. And the next one."

Jim's wince was much more pronounced, and he looked over at Tom, deliberately ignoring the laughter of his officers. Sulu and Chekov were enjoying this way too much. "Sorry, Tom," he said ruefully. "I can't ignore a threat like that. Looks like I'll be taking the secret to my grave."

At that moment, the small group emerged out of the darkness, from an alley in between two buildings that made up the outer edge of Starfleet Academy.

"Awesome," Kevin breathed, looking around in wonder as he recognized the large expanse of grass he was currently standing on. Turning back to study the alley, he quickly memorized the route they had taken. It would definitely come in handy later.

Jim grinned. "I thought you might appreciate it," he replied.

McCoy grumbled again, muttering something about corrupting today's youth, but the rest of them ignored it, and quickly, they were dispersing. Sulu and Chekov both had their own duties within their respective departments to attend to, and Kevin had a class to attend, as much as he was dreading the attention he would receive, now that he had been outed as a Tarsus survivor.

When it was Jim, McCoy, and Tom alone, by mutual agreement, the trio made their way back to Jim's campus apartment. Whatever else they may have had planned for the day, Jim and Tom decided that they would much rather hide from the press, and McCoy wasn't about to leave his friend now.

The afternoon passed quickly, and soon enough, Jim was leaving McCoy and Tom for his meeting with Pike. It was pretty much what he expected, more preparations for the trial, which was set to begin the next morning, and when the two left to meet up with the rest of the command crew, plus Tom and Kevin, for dinner, several hours later, Jim was feeling much better. It was easy enough to push aside his own fears and hurt in order to be the leader he knew his crew, and Tom and Kevin, expected to see, but sometimes he just needed to be Jim. Sometimes, he needed someone to be there for him, to be his leader. And Christopher Pike fit that role perfectly. Not for the first time, Jim thanked whatever deity was out there for the random quirk of fate that had the older man setting foot in that bar in Iowa all those years ago. And as much trouble as it had brought him, there were times when he was glad that he never backed down from a dare.

_Abrupt ending? I'm trying to move things along, and… yes, next chapter will finally have the trial! It only took me a year and twenty chapters._

_Please review!_


	19. Chapter 19

**At long last, the chapter you have all been waiting for! Just a small notation, this trial is based off of my knowledge on what trials are like today - so basically, what I have learned from Law and Order, and other cop/crime shows. It'll probably be different in a couple hundred years, but barring the sudden invention of a time machine for me to actually go check it out, this'll have to do. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: don't own**

Jim wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, trying to steady his breathing and appear to be the calm and collected captain everyone was so used to seeing. Next to him, Kevin and Tom were attempting to keep their own fear in check. After fifteen years, they were about to come face to face again with a living, breathing, monster. The room was mostly filled with higher ups in Starfleet: most admirals on planet were in attendance, though only Pike, Barnett, and Archer felt more than the average 'time to fix our fuck-up' feelings. Those three knew how much Kirk would be affected by this, and they wanted to be there for the captain that they had all grown to… well, love might be a bit strong of a term for Barnett and Archer, but they would admit that they cared for the enigmatic young man. As much as they tried to deny it.

As it was a closed trial, most of the press had been banned, with only two journalists in attendance, reporting for the major news networks.

Sitting just in front of the journalists were Jim's command crew. Technically, they probably shouldn't have been granted access, but Pike had pulled some strings, and the six of them were sitting towards the back of the room, all feeling apprehensive of what they might learn today. But that wouldn't stop them from being there for their friend.

Several Tarsus survivors were also present, hearing the news and demanding to see justice done, once and for all. Of the roughly thirty survivors in attendance, there were only five that Jim was interested in. He had managed to contact all of his kids, but only five were on Earth and could get to the Academy in such a short amount of time. The one man the captain had been most interested in, was his no longer awkward and gangly cousin. Cory had shown up late the night before, knocking on his door and barely getting out a hello before throwing himself at his older cousin and letting out fifteen years worth of tears he hadn't even known he'd needed to shed.

Even as cousins, they hadn't kept in contact; Jim had felt guilty, Cory had felt guilty, and both had been trying to drown out the pain, the hunger, the fear. Jim had looked for salvation at the bottom of a bottle, and Cory had thrown himself into school. He had several degrees to his name, and worked as a researcher for a renowned laboratory that specialized in diseases that manifested through vegetation. He didn't want what had happened on Tarsus to ever happen again.

The sound of a gavel banging drew Jim back to the present, and he focused on his surroundings. His breathing hitched slightly when they brought Kodos into the courtroom, only recognizable to those sitting right next to him. The former governor had a lawyer representing him, though Jim wasn't sure what asshole had agreed to take that job on, and Attorney General Marcus Robbins was seated across the aisle, along with his two aides.

Jim listened to the beginning of the trial, a small part of his brain commenting on how clichéd the whole thing was. It wasn't until they got into witness testimony that things got interesting.

Kevin was the first one they put on the stand. He did all right for a few minutes, as long as he didn't look at Kodos directly. It was after Robbins finished, and the idiot lawyer representing the former governer began asking questions, that Jim knew things were about to go downhill fast. He knew what railroading looked like, and he wondered if this lawyer actually wanted to end his career. Judging from the glare several admirals was throwing at him, he thought that lawyer might actually have a death wish.

The questions kept coming, barely giving Kevin a chance to answer, and after several minutes, Jim had had enough. If Robbins and the judge weren't going to stop this, he would. As the lawyer fired another query, about Kevin's time in captivity, and something about how could he be certain of his captor's identity, given his age, Jim stood up abruptly.

"That's enough," he said angrily, eyes flashing dangerously.

The judge focused his attention on him as the lawyer stopped talking and turned around, and Kevin looked over thankfully. "Captain Kirk, you are not on the stand at this time. I would recommend you sit down, before you need to be removed."

Of course, Jim was a stubborn man, and he refused to back down. "If you're not going to stop this, then I am. Mr. Malley has just stated that Kevin was too young to know what was going on. He was barely seven years old. He doesn't remember much about what happened. He's already identified the former governor of Tarsus, what more do you need from him?" His eyes were hard, but his tone remained calm and composed, no matter how close he felt he actually was to losing control.

The lawyer, Mr. Malley, had not chosen this assignment, but he would do his job, no matter how much it killed him. "Your honor, my questions are about the crimes allegedly committed by my client. There can be no criminal without a crime."

The judge nodded, but Jim just shook his head, fists clenched as he fought to control his reactions and his response. "Railroading him won't do anything. Kevin doesn't know the answers. You can ask me all you want, but leave him out of this."

That caused some stir in the ranks of officials, as they heard the allusion to all the crimes they would uncover with the captain's testimony.

After a brief moment, Mr. Malley nodded his assent, and turned back to the stand. "We have no further questions for Cadet Riley," he complied gracefully.

Kevin nodded stiffly, and stepped down, making his way quickly back to the empty seat next to Jim. In the short lull before Robbins called the next witness, those seated close to the trio were able to hear their tense conversation. Pike, Barnett, and Archer sitting in the row behind them, and the Attorney General and his aides, seated directly in front on the other side of the barrier separating lawyers from the audience, were the only ones close enough to be able to pay attention to the hushed discussion.

"You didn't have to do that, JT," Kevin whispered. When Jim opened his mouth to reply, the cadet rushed on, "But thanks."

Jim closed his mouth, and nodded, a small smile gracing his lips. "I'll always protect you, Kev. That will never change. And besides, I wasn't lying. You really can't give them some of the answers they're looking for." His eyes took on a haunted quality, and Tom and Kevin both knew what he was alluding to. They were, after all, the only ones to know the whole story of what had happened at Kodos' palace. Even if they hadn't seen everything, they had definitely heard it.

"You don't have to tell them everything, JT," Tom tried to reason. "They don't need to know –"

"Yes they do," Jim interrupted almost harshly, his eyes glazing over. His gaze softened as he looked over at the scientist. "It's been fifteen years, Tom. I need to be able to let it go. And if this will help me do that, then I'm all for it."

Tom scrutinized his friend carefully, searching for something. He seemed to find it in the determination written clearly across the captain's tense shoulders, and the subtly clenched jaw, because he nodded somewhat reluctantly, but didn't try to talk him out of it. Instead, he simply smirked lightly, and quoted, "Men at some time are masters of their fates: the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings."

Both Jim and Kevin smiled at that. It had been a favorite quote of Jim's, and he had repeated it often during those dark nights spent hiding from patrols.

"We make our own fate," Jim commented. "They only have power as long as we let them. The future is ours."

Kevin nodded, and leaned into Jim a little, taking comfort from the lopsided hug the captain gave him.

A clearing throat stopped any further conversation, as Malley and Robbins seemed to be ready to move on to the next witness, and the Attorney General called Jim to the stand.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, the _Enterprise_ captain shook himself off slightly, and stood up. His hand ghosted across both Tom and Kevin's shoulders, squeezing lightly and reassuringly as he made his way up to the stand.

Once sworn in, the Attorney General stood up, and, on a nod from Jim, began asking questions he certainly hadn't been planning on. He was on Pike's side in this: he didn't see why they needed to bring up these crimes at the trial. They knew that Kodos was guilty; all they really needed to know was whether or not the man they had in custody was actually Kodos. Unfortunately, this trial had been well and truly hijacked, and Jim seemed to be willing to go along with it.

With a slight sigh that went unnoticed by most of the room, Robbins asked the first question. "Captain Kirk, what were you doing on Tarsus IV?"

Jim flinched slightly, but refused to bow under the onslaught of memories. When he replied, his voice was oddly detached, and he focused all his attention on the Attorney General, to avoid having to see what his friends in the audience would think about his past. "I was twelve, and my stepfather didn't want to have to deal with me anymore. My older brother had already run away, so he decided to send me to live with my aunt and uncle, and their family."

Robbins decided not to ask for elaboration on any of that back story. He knew the captain wouldn't want to go into it, and it wasn't really critical. "When did you first meet Governor Kodos?"

Jim sucked in a breath, trying to steady himself. His eyes ghosted over to Kevin and Tom, who both offered him reassuring nods, to Pike, who had no idea what was about to be revealed, but still offered up a smile, to Bones, seated near the back of the room. The doctor was scowling, but it still made Jim feel better; just seeing Bones there for him made Jim feel better. He swallowed harshly and turned back to the Attorney General. "About a week after I arrived on planet."

That caused some stir in the crowd, and Robbins furrowed his brow. He had a general idea of what Kirk had gone through, but clearly a lot had been left out. Glancing over at Pike and seeing the confusion there, he concluded that he wasn't the only one caught blindsided. Looking back at the captain, and seeing the distinctly uncomfortable expression, he asked the standard follow up question. "How did you meet him?"

Jim bit his lip, looking down at his lap briefly, before returning his gaze to Robbins. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Tom and Kevin, and their presence steadied him. "I started attending the local school, but it became immediately clear that I had no business being there." He grinned, just a little, remembering the teachers' surprise at discovering that he already had enough knowledge to graduate high school. "I'd been taking college courses pretty much since I learned how to hack into university computer systems at the age of seven. But I still had to do _something_ with my days. Trust me, you never want a kid with a genius level IQ to be bored. It won't end well."

There were a few snorts in the audience, and some laughter from Tom, who remembered a few very well executed pranks that had been performed by persons anonymous.

Jim shrugged. "I would go to school, and they'd basically sit me at a computer console and leave me alone. I found ways to occupy myself. Someone must have brought me to the attention of the governor," Jim tripped a little over that word, but managed to get it out without too much contempt, "because he showed up at my aunt and uncle's house a few days later."

"And what did he want?" Robbins asked.

Jim's jaw clenched. "I was a twelve year old genius with nothing to do. He wanted me to spend time at the governor's palace, learning, working. It sounded like fun, so I agreed."

"What sorts of things did you do?"

Jim swallowed harshly, barely able to do so around his tight jaw. "I learned how to run a colony. I also learned what not to do."

"What do you mean by that?" Robbins tried to get him to elaborate, knowing the captain was growing more uncomfortable, but also curious. A lot of what had happened before the massacre was unknown. Kirk might just be able to uncover what had led up to the genocide.

Jim paused briefly, eyes locking with Tom, knowing that the scientist knew why he was having trouble. Kevin knew a few details, and a general idea, but Tom was the one with whom he had shared everything. Tom had been his closest friend on the colony, another bored genius amidst the farmers.

Tom nodded, just once, and one side of his mouth quirked upwards, in a reassuring smile that fell slightly short, but it got the point across. Tom would always be there for his friend.

Still looking at the scientist, Jim answered the question, his voice quiet but determined. "I spent some time with various committees and governor's advisors. I learned about the dark, seedy underside to politics. I learned enough to know I never want to be a politician." There was some more laughter from the audience, this time the loudest contributor being Pike, with Barnett and Archer close behind. They were well aware of Kirk's inability to kiss up to the brass. He was a brilliant captain, but he wasn't so great at playing the politics.

Jim's voice grew tighter as he continued to speak. "I learned a lot, and I was having a great time. For a few months."

"What happened after a few months?"

Jim had to take another deep breath, letting it out slowly before he spoke again. "A little over a year later, I was doing some independent research. Perks of being a genius, I'm very good at multitasking. And I still got bored sometimes, so I would work on other projects to pass the time. It was almost a year and a half after I arrived, that I found something interesting in a project Tom and I were working on."

"Who's Tom?" Robbins asked for clarification, for the record.

Jim smiled. "Thomas Leighton, he lived nearby. Two geniuses in a sea of farmers. But he still had to go to school during the day."

Tom snorted and shook his head, but didn't attempt to comment, even under his breath. He had definitely felt jealous of his friend for not having to attend classes, even though he knew Jim was way smarter than him.

Robbins nodded. "What was the project you two were working on?"

"It was an environmental study, of sorts. We were comparing the native plants of Tarsus, to see how they differed from those on Earth. There were many that neither of us had ever seen before, and we were curious to see whether they could be transplanted, if they would thrive on Earth in the same way. The atmosphere of Tarsus was different, but not overly so, so it seemed like a valid hypothesis. I was studying one particular plant, when I found a fungus."

A few gasps in the audience made themselves known, as several people realized just what had happened. Pike, and the _Enterprise_ command crew were smart enough to realize just how much of a role Jim had played in the events on Tarsus. It clearly was much bigger than surviving the kill list, or saving a few kids, or even seeing Kodos' face and being able to identify him.

Robbins took a deep breath. "What did you do with that information?" he asked, pleased that his voice didn't shake at all.

Jim's gaze moved over to the governor he had been trying to avoid looking at all this time. His eyes narrowed, and his voice was cold as he answered, "I brought it to the governor's attention. I was told he'd take care of it, but I had my doubts. He didn't look too worried, for someone who'd just been told his colony was in danger of starvation."

Robbins nodded. "What did you do next?"

Jim bit his lip, and tore his gaze away from the entirely too calm looking former governor. "Things started getting bad. Plants were dying, food was becoming scarce. We all saw it, and people were getting scared. About a month later, I overheard a conversation between Kodos and one of his advisors. I didn't hear it all, but there was something about doing something for 'the good of the colony'. I've always had a pretty good gut instinct, and I knew something was off. So I did a little snooping, and that's when I found the list."

Robbins frowned. "What list?" he asked, somehow knowing exactly what Kirk was talking about.

Jim grimaced. "The list of people Kodos had deemed not worthy enough to live. Would you like me to recite the names of those four thousand, seventy-two people? Because I can. I saw the list, but at the time, I didn't know what it meant. It's not like it had a heading that said 'to die', or anything. If I had known, I might have been able to do something."

The self-disgust was evident in his voice, but Robbins knew that was something he really couldn't fix. He would pass that duty off to Pike, and Kirk's friends. He was about to ask another question, but Jim kept speaking, so he closed his mouth.

"The next day, my cousins and I were out of the house when the soldiers came. I heard the gunshots, and I knew what it meant. We started running, and didn't look back. When I had my cousins secured, I returned. My aunt and uncle were dead, as were most of our neighbors. I found Tom, and three other children, hiding. I took them back to the cave where I had stashed my cousins. Later, Tom and I went into town to see what the situation was. We found more children hiding, and we took them back with us. Four months later, the patrols were moving in. I sent most of the group ahead, and Tom, Kevin, and I stayed behind." Jim's voice had grown very cold and clinical, but after finishing that sentence, he couldn't help but let out a snort. "Actually, I tried to get them to leave, too. They refused."

"Why did you want to stay behind, alone?"

Jim shrugged, suddenly very interested in his lap. "I figured I had the best chance of getting out alive. Or at least, I'd probably survive the longest. When it all went to Hell, that probably would have been different; Kodos wanted me dead, because I knew exactly what had happened. I knew what was wrong, and I knew that _he_ knew what was wrong, back when he could have fixed it. After all those months, though, I figured he'd want to know how I had survived, and whom I had managed to save."

Robbins nodded, and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He knew what question he needed to ask next, and he was dreading the answer. "What happened after most of your group left?"

Jim swallowed, and returned his focus to Tom and Kevin. It was easier to speak to them, because they already knew what had happened. He didn't have to deal with seeing pity, or disgust, in their eyes. "We were caught, and taken to the governor's palace. I think it was about two weeks later that Starfleet showed up. Things were pretty hazy, though, so I can't give you an exact timeframe."

"Why were things hazy?" Robbins asked, hating himself just a little bit for being forced to ask these questions.

Jim threw out a slight smirk that did little to deflect from the obvious discomfort. "I'm pretty sure most of the Federation has seen what happened by now."

That caused several people to grimace, and most of them to once again promise to find whoever had leaked the story.

Robbins nodded, but had to prod further. "For the record, Captain Kirk, I need you to say it."

Jim studied the Attorney General for a moment, and Robbins wasn't ashamed to admit to himself that the power in that gaze had him just a little bit frightened. Finally, he broke eye contact, and turned his attention to the governor who had caused him so many problems.

"He asked me questions, I refused to answer. He didn't like that, and he made his displeasure known. He would try and reason with me, he tried threats, he tried promises. But I was done buying his lies." He smirked. "I've never been very good at taking orders." Jim coughed, clearing his throat. "When nothing worked, he tried to intimidate me. You want it in laymen's terms? Torture. Plain and simple. I was unconscious when Starfleet arrived, and was pretty much out of it for most of the trip back to Earth. I spent several weeks in a hospital before I was able to walk the length of a room without collapsing. As soon as I was able, I walked away and never looked back."

Robbins nodded, making an effort to clamp down on his emotions before asking the next question. "Why didn't you give anyone your real name?"

Jim's shoulder's tensed, the only outward sign of his distress at the query. "I liked the relative anonymity, when I first arrived. Nobody knew that my father was a hero, nobody had any expectations of me. And when I did get noticed, it was because of me, not some larger than life hero figure that I'm supposed to be like, but have never met. After everything went to Hell, it didn't really matter anymore. I guess if my identity was known, Kodos could have used that in his favor, so it was probably a good thing I never told anyone. And when I woke up in a hospital in San Francisco, I didn't want people to make the connection. It was better for everyone that my presence on Tarsus go unnoticed. I just wanted to forget."

Robbins nodded his understanding. "Thank you, Captain Kirk." He looked up at the judge. "I have no further questions."

The judge nodded, and turned to Mr. Malley. "Your witness."

The defense lawyer looked from the judge, to Kirk, and sighed internally. He knew there was no way in hell he was winning this case, and he didn't really want to. If he badgered Captain Kirk on the stand, he could pretty much kiss his career goodbye. There were enough higher ups in Starfleet in attendance today to make sure he never practiced law again, if they were so inclined. So instead, he just stood up, and replied, "I have no further questions, your honor."

The judge nodded again, and turned to face Jim. "You may step down," he said.

Jim didn't need to be told twice. He was out of the chair almost before the judge finished speaking, and returned to his seat, where he was able to reassure both Tom and Kevin that he was all right, before Tom was called up to testify.

His statement was short, Robbins just asked for clarification of a few points, mainly the research project Jim had mentioned, and then asked him for a few details on what had happened at the governor's palace. Tom paled considerably at that question, before steeling himself and trying to get it out in as few words as possible. He mentioned hearing what Kodos was doing to Jim, and what had happened to him, but didn't go into huge detail. There really weren't words to describe the raw terror he had felt, those few weeks.

Soon enough, Tom was also stepping down, and the moment all three of the Nine were dreading occurred. Kodos was called to the stand. His testimony didn't go like anyone was expecting: rather than spout some type of belief that he had been doing the right thing, or that those whom he had killed had deserved it, the former governor was rather contrite. He appeared aware that he had done wrong, and asked for clemency. He stressed that he had been thinking about the larger picture, and he had tried to be the best governor he could be.

Robbins tore the man to shreds in mere seconds, making Jim feel much better; he didn't care how sorry the man had been. He could have made different choices, and the outcome would have been much more favorable. The man deserved to die.

Once Kodos was back in his seat, it was time for the closing arguments. All in all, a rather short trial, but neither man really felt the need to drag it out. Kodos was guilty, it was merely a question of punishment left to be decided.

Robbins spoke his piece, asking for the maximum punishment, and Malley pleaded temporary insanity, and tried to use the recognition of his guilt for a lessening of the punishment.

The jury was then excused to deliberate, and the audience was released until the jury returned.

Jim didn't wait, he was up and out of the room before most of the audience noticed. Tom and Kevin followed quickly, closely followed by Pike, and McCoy, who caught up rather quickly for having to battle a large crowd to get to the group.

The admiral and CMO stopped abruptly as they observed the scene in front of them, not wanting to interrupt.

Jim was holding on to Tom, while Kevin had himself pressed so closely to Jim's side, it was almost impossible to tell where cadet stopped, and captain began.

At first, Pike thought it was Tom reassuring Jim, but as he looked closer, he determined that it was the other way around. Tom was shaking slightly, and he appeared to be crying into Jim's shoulder. As he continued to watch, the scientist appeared to calm down a little bit more, and pulled away from the captain, looking down almost in embarrassment. Jim said something to him, and he seemed to perk up a little bit. Even when he stepped back, Jim kept a grip on his arm, showing his support in any way he could.

It was at that moment that Jim turned around, and, seeing Pike and Bones, with the rest of his command crew crowding behind them, grimaced just a little. There was a quiet acceptance in his eyes, however, so Pike felt it safe to lead the group over to their captain. When he was standing in front of the younger man, he said nothing for a full minute, simply studying his pseudo son until Jim began to fidget.

Finally, Pike simply made a silent gesture, a small head jerk, and headed down the hall to where there were several empty conference rooms. Jim understood what that meant, and with a small sigh, detached himself from Tom and Kevin and followed after the admiral. He glanced up and caught Bones' worried gaze, but a small shake of his head discouraged the doctor from following.

He and Pike entered an empty room, and after locking the door behind them, Pike collapsed into a chair with a sigh.

"Are you all right?" Jim asked, frowning in concern as he watched his mentor closely.

Pike looked up, startled, as he took in the captain in front of him. After a moment, he shook his head. Trust Jim to always worry about other people before himself. "I should be asking you that," he replied dryly.

Jim snorted. "Do you really want to know the answer?" he shot back, more of a statement than a question.

"Yes," Pike responded seriously, leaning forward.

Jim stared at him, studying, for a minute, before he too sat down, letting his mask drop slightly and letting out a long sigh as he slumped down in the chair. "Not really," he admitted quietly, looking down at his lap.

Pike grimaced. "Tell me." It wasn't a demand, or even a request. It was an offer, one Jim took without hesitation.

"It was the first time I had ever felt… _wanted_," he confessed ruefully. "I loved the feeling of actually having a family that cared about me. And Kodos… he made me feel like I was special. I never questioned why he wanted me around. Maybe I should have."

"Jim, you were twelve. You shouldn't have _had_ to question anything. It wasn't your fault."

"But I _knew_!" Jim interrupted, looking up, eyes blazing with self-hatred. "I found the fungus, I found the list. I knew what was going on, and I did nothing!"

"You were a kid," Pike argued soothingly, reaching out to rest a hand on Jim's arm, trying to keep him in his seat and grounded. "It wasn't your responsibility. _It wasn't your fault._"

Jim was silent, contemplating. He understood what Pike was saying, analytically, but he had spent so long blaming himself, it was hard to consider the possibility that he was wrong. He wanted to be wrong. He didn't want to feel guilty any more.

He slumped down even further, the weight of fifteen years of guilt coming to the surface for the first time ever. Pike watched, unable to do anything as he watched his 'son' collapse on himself. His heart ached for what the young man had had to deal with. Finally, he moved his chair so that it was close enough to touch Jim's, and he put his arm around the younger man's shoulders, squeezing him tightly.

Jim leaned into the embraced, turning slightly and burrowing his head so that it was tucked underneath Pike's chin. A few tears leaked out before he managed to contain it, though his willpower was lost a moment later, when Pike whispered one more time, "It wasn't your fault."

And finally, Jim believed him. The tears fell, fast and thick, as the captain let out fifteen years worth of pain and remorse. He let himself cry for the child he had never had a chance to be, for the countless souls lost to a madman's lunacy, for the kids he had saved who would never be whole again, who would never be able to leave the past behind.

When there were no tears left, Jim shifted slightly, but made no move to straighten up. Instead, he reveled in the feel of someone else's arms around him. For just this moment, he didn't need to be in control. He could step back and let someone else take charge. For just a few minutes, he didn't need to be the strong one. It felt good. He trusted Chris, more than almost anyone else. In the admiral's firm embrace, he felt safe. He could almost imagine what it was like to have a father.

The two stayed that way for a few more minutes, before a hesitant knock on the door drew them out of the comfortable silence.

Jim straightened up, wiping his face hurriedly, as Pike stood to open the door. McCoy looked between the admiral and captain, almost apologetically, as he informed them, "They've reached a decision."

Pike nodded, and turned back to look at Jim. The younger man seemed to need a few more minutes, so he said, "I'll meet you out there," and, upon receiving a slight nod, shot a pointed look at the doctor, before leaving the room.

_That seemed abrupt, but this chapter's getting really long, so I thought I'd end it here, and break it up a little. We're reaching the end, just a few more chapters to go! Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me this long, I appreciate your support._

_Please review!_


	20. Chapter 20

**Merry Christmas to all my readers who celebrate, and a belated Happy Hannukah, and early Happy Kwanza to all those observers! And for anyone who doesn't celebrate those holidays, happy early 2013/happy winter! And if I've missed a holiday, I apologize.**

**Disclaimer: don't own**

McCoy shut the door behind him, and studied his… well, he didn't even know what to call the man anymore. Captain, best friend, _everything_.

Jim hadn't looked up since Pike had left the room, so McCoy walked over and took the seat the admiral had just vacated.

"Jim." No response. McCoy tried again. "Come on, Jim, talk to me. Please." There was a note of begging in the doctor's voice that Jim wasn't sure he'd ever heard before.

It was because of that that Jim was able to straighten himself up and face his best friend. He studied McCoy's face, looking for signs of pity, or disgust, but wasn't able to find anything other than compassion and acceptance. Somehow, he knew the doctor didn't see him any differently than before.

After another minute, he looked down briefly, his eyes clouding over. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth," he said quietly, referring to the conversation they had had on the _Enterprise_, directly after that call from Pike that started it all.

McCoy shook his head in exasperation. _That_ was what Jim was worried about right now? "You don't need to apologize, Jim," he replied, keeping his voice calm. "You don't owe me or anyone else anything."

Jim shook his head forcefully. "You're wrong," he denied vehemently. "I owe _you_. After everything we've been through, I should have trusted you with the whole story."

"I know you trust me. I don't blame you for not sharing, Jim. I want you to _want_ to tell me things, when you're ready. You shouldn't feel like you _have_ to tell me anything. When you're ready, I'll listen. Any time, any where."

Jim managed to lift one side of his mouth in a half smile, half grimace. "Thanks," he replied quietly.

No more words needed to be said. Both men understood. McCoy reached out and grasped Jim's hand, squeezing tightly.

Jim let his hand be drawn over to McCoy's lap, where the doctor's other hand fully encircled the appendage. He felt himself calm down, as McCoy absentmindedly drew abstract designs on his palm, and he once again recognized the fire pooling in his gut.

His eyes met McCoy's, and neither man was able to look away. Both recognized what it was they were feeling, but neither was quite willing to take that leap to see if it was returned.

Another knock on the door interrupted their staring contest – or, as Uhura had once told Sulu and Chekov, their mental make out session – and McCoy stood up first, pulling Jim up with him and heading towards the door.

A tug on his hand stopped the doctor, and he turned around to face his friend. Jim looked unsure, a little hopeful, and slightly scared. He opened his mouth to say something, and then paused and let out the breath he had been planning on speaking with.

Jim shook his head faintly, and then started walking again. McCoy furrowed his brow and, as Jim reached him and was about to pass him and open the door, the doctor threw caution to the winds and pulled the captain back to him.

"Wha-"

Jim was cut off as McCoy's lips crashed down on his.

With that action, all cognitive thought left the captain. They broke apart after a few seconds; as a first kiss, it was all raw passion. No words needed to be said between them: after seven years, they understood each other perfectly. Jim smiled a little, and then moved in for a second kiss. This time, it was much slower, and they took a few moments to explore each other's mouths.

A third knock parted them, and McCoy let out a low growl, as Jim let out a breathless laugh. With a look that clearly said they weren't done, McCoy turned away and opened the door, leading the way back to the courtroom.

McCoy seemed reluctant to part with Jim, but reluctantly did so to let the captain take his seat in between Tom and Kevin.

Both men willingly slid over to give him more room, and Tom turned around to look at the doctor, seemingly searching for a reason why his friend seemed so happy. He didn't make a scene about it, just gave the older man a nod, seemingly in thanks, and turned back to face the front.

The room settled quickly as the jury and judge came back. When they pronounced the defendant guilty of all charges, a quick cheer circulated through the crowd. They were hushed quickly, and the judge remanded Kodos into custody, until sentencing was passed. Considering he was guilty of mass murder, no one was under any allusions he would receive anything other than the maximum punishment.

Jim felt a sense of satisfaction, watching the former governor removed from the courtroom. Next to him, Kevin drooped noticeably, leaning into Jim's side as he murmured disbelievingly, "It's really over."

"Yeah, it is," Jim agreed quietly, wrapping an arm around Kevin's shoulders and squeezing him closer.

On the other side, Tom also slouched slightly, resting his head on Jim's shoulder and closing his eyes against the tears that threatened to fall.

Jim lowered his head a bit, resting it briefly on top of Tom's, before straightening up and turning in his seat just enough to catch Pike's eye, but not enough to dislodge either man sitting next to him.

Pike offered up a smile and a nod for the younger man, mouthing the word 'tomorrow', before he left, along with Admiral's Barnett and Archer.

The room emptied out pretty quickly, though no one seemed to go far; Jim, Tom, and Kevin, the last to leave, were brought up short by the large crowd that had gathered in the square outside the building. Far more press that the two in the courtroom were waiting, shouting questions at the three men as soon as they stepped outside.

Jim was momentarily stunned, until he looked to his left and saw a group of five young adults, his cousin Cory at the front. Setting his jaw, he quickly made his way through the crowd, repeatedly throwing out the customary "No comment."

Cory embraced him first, and when the two separated, Jim turned to face the four remaining men and woman, his mind calling up memories of Tarsus, and placing each of the young people in front of him.

Sharon, the little four-year-old girl who had clung to him so desperately when he had found her hiding in a trash can.

Marcus, who had been so valuable to him, and had helped both in food runs, and in looking after the younger kids.

Darius, he had been so sick at the end, Jim was actually surprised that he had survived. But then, he had known the little boy was tough.

Kenny, he remembered finding the five year old crying for his mother as he searched the area surrounding his aunt and uncle's. He also remembered trying to shield the kid from her dead body as he carried him out of his house.

Sharon was the first to make a move, stepping forward as she breathed, "JT," in a sort of disbelieving whisper, before reaching out to hug him tightly, as if she didn't truly believe that he was standing there in front of her.

The other three were quick to follow, not caring about the multitude of press around them, all capturing their reunion to be replayed for the entire universe to see. All that mattered was that their lost children were all right. After they had separated, none of the larger group had known what had happened to JT, Tom, and Kevin. Cory had been contacted by his cousin a few years later, but they hadn't kept in contact, and he hadn't known what had happened to any of the others after they had been rescued, so he hadn't been able to tell any of them that their leader was alive.

When the story had broken, all of them had felt the initial shock and betrayal, having all believed Starfleet years earlier when they had said Kodos was dead. Being contacted by JT, informing them of the trial, and that he would be there, had been slightly surreal. None of them had made the connection between JT and Captain Kirk, though in retrospect, they could definitely see the resemblance.

"I'm glad you all came," Jim said quietly as he released Kenny and stepped back. Kenny was the last in the line, and once he had greeted both Tom and Kevin as well, the group of eight, by mutual agreement, left the open square and moved towards the cafeteria. People stared as they walked by, but none of them acknowledged it, beyond the tightening of Jim's jaw, or Kevin's clenched teeth. Tom just took it all in stride, and Cory, Marcus, Sharon, Kenny, and Darius were just so glad to be in the presence of their savior once more.

The group claimed a table near the entrance, and Kevin accompanied Cory and Marcus up to get some drinks.

Once they returned, the conversations was somewhat stilted, though after a few minutes, it mellowed out, and they were all catching up on what they had missed in each other's lives.

The afternoon disappeared, and before they knew it, evening had descended, and most of them needed to get back to their lives. With tearful goodbyes, and promises not to be strangers, most of them departed, and soon enough, it was only Jim, Tom, and Kevin left.

They made their way back to Jim's apartment, where the captain at least was unsurprised to see a certain doctor waiting.

McCoy looked up from the couch, but made no sign that he would move any time soon. Jim let out a long-suffering sigh and turned back to the cadet and scientist standing with him.

He didn't need to say anything, both men understood, and with quick goodbyes, captain and CMO were left alone.

Jim felt himself smile without any effort as he made his way over to McCoy, dropping down next to him and leaning back comfortably.

"What are you doing here?" Jim asked, not really curious to know, he did have a pretty good idea.

McCoy raised an eyebrow, but didn't answer for a minute. He had been waiting for the captain to return for several hours, though he wasn't upset, he figured the younger man had gotten sidetracked, catching up with other survivors.

Finally, he sighed and smirked. "I think we have some unfinished business to take care of."

Jim cocked his head to the side, taking in the slightly devious expression his CMO was wearing. He opened his mouth to reply, but was unable to as McCoy moved suddenly and kissed him. Jim was quickly brought on board, and shifted so that he was facing the doctor head on, his hands moving on their own accord, one moving up to pull McCoy closer, resting on the back of his neck, and the other latching on to his shoulder.

The two quickly lost themselves in the moment, letting all the stress and pain of the past few days drain away, just enjoying being with each other. And when they woke, hours later, they were still tangled up on the couch.

They stayed conscious just long enough to move into the bedroom, before they fell asleep again, fully clothed, on top of the sheets, but completely comfortable.

**XXX**

Jim woke up slightly disoriented, until he remembered the events of the previous evening. Next to him, McCoy was still asleep, so, careful not to wake him, Jim extracted himself from the doctor's tight embrace, and quietly made his way out into the sitting room. Glancing at the chrono, he noted the time as late morning, and with a decisive nod, quickly wrote a note and, grabbing a bag sitting next to his desk, exited the apartment.

**XXX**

Pike looked up as Jim entered his office, barely pausing after knocking before throwing the door open and making himself comfortable in the chair across from the admiral.

Chris couldn't help but smile, though he tried to hide it – not that Jim bought it – and shook his head exasperatedly. "Can I help you, Jim?"

Jim smirked, pulling out a PADD and handing it to the admiral. Pike glanced at it, before looking back up. The captain shrugged. "I received the requests from cadets hoping to serve on the _Enterprise_. Those are my choices."

Pike nodded and switched the PADD on, taking a few moments to glance through the dossiers. There were only twenty two of them, not surprising, considering it was the flagship. He knew that almost a hundred people had requested to serve on the _Enterprise_, but he also knew that Jim would be picky with final choices. Somehow, he wasn't surprised to see Kevin Riley's name there.

All twenty two of them were within the top five percent of their class, and had glowing commendations from professors. Finally, he looked back up. "I approve," he said with a smile.

Jim nodded, relaxing just a little bit more now that the official business had been taken care of.

Pike pulled out a PADD of his own and handed it across the desk. "Your new orders," he explained.

Jim reached out and took the PADD, glancing through the file briefly; he would study it in further detail later. A twist of his mouth indicated his approval. Built into the orders was a full week more of shore leave on Earth, before they departed for the Delta quadrant and more adventures. He could get on board with that.

Pike smiled at the captain's approval. He was looking forward to spending some time off the clock with the kid.

A buzz disrupted the moment, as Pike's assistant informed them of the presence of Admiral's Archer and Barnett.

Jim tried and failed to hide the grimace. He started to stand up, saying, "I should probably –"

"No need," Pike interrupted, gesturing for him to sit back down before telling his assistant to send the admirals in.

Barnett and Archer both stopped just inside the door, hoping they weren't interrupting something important. Though, Pike had invited them in.

"Captain Kirk," Barnett greeted the younger man, nodding his head as Kirk stood at attention.

"Admiral," the captain replied, clasping his hands behind his back, mostly to stop them from shaking. Even after four years, Barnett still made him nervous, as much as he wanted to deny it. The admiral had done a lot to make up for dragging him before a tribunal hearing, and had become a good man to have in his corner, but Jim still couldn't forget the feeling of scrutiny, the look Barnett had given him as he stood before them, trying to defend his actions. It had been a long time since he had felt so insignificant. He had been very unnerved to hear such a proud man apologize, but the benefits had made themselves known very shortly after that awkward conversation that came shortly after their defeat of Nero.

Archer was a little more of an unknown, though he had agreed that Scotty was better utilized on the _Enterprise_, as opposed to serving out a punishment on Delta Vega readily enough.

It was Archer who spoke next, relaxing his posture slightly, in an effort to get the captain to do the same, though in the presence of three admirals, he didn't hold out much hope. "I'm glad we caught you here, Captain. I'm sure I speak for all of us," he indicated Pike and Barnett with a small head jerk, "when I tell you how grateful we are for your testimony."

Jim grimaced lightly, only visible through a slight tensing of his jaw. His answering nod was stiff and formal, and very uncomfortable. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having. "Thank you, sir," he replied, expression blank.

Pike let out an almost silent sigh, wishing that the kid could relax a little bit more, though he understood why Jim couldn't. James Kirk had spent his whole life defying authority; even after joining Starfleet, he had still done his level best to piss off as many authority figures as possible. Jim had been able to relax around him, though it had taken a while, but he spent more time working on their relationship than Barnett and Archer; he knew the other admirals tried, and eventually, he hoped they would be successful.

"We'll talk later, Jim," Pike drew the captain's attention back to him.

Jim didn't reply, he just threw the older man a grateful look, nodded and grabbed his bag, making a hasty exit, closing the door rather forcefully behind him.

Pike shook his head, sighing much louder this time. He hated seeing that switch flip, turning the at ease Jim into the stiff, uncaring Captain Kirk.

"How's he doing?" Barnett asked, taking the seat Jim had so recently vacated. Archer sat next to him, also eager to hear the answer.

Pike bit his lip, glancing at the closed door, his eyes filling with worry. "Better than I would have thought," he admitted, turning back to his visitors. "He's not all right, but I think he will be. He's got a good support system to help him out."

Barnett nodded his understanding. "I hope he knows we're here as well." Pike raised an eyebrow. Barnett shrugged. "I like the kid," he admitted. "He reminds me a lot of his father, but… more real."

"Does that make sense?" Archer asked, turning to face his colleague.

Barnett chuckled. "George was a great man, but he was a bit naïve. He had a thirst for life and a desire to see the universe. But he was very sheltered. Jim has the same drive and desire as his father, but he was much more experienced by the time he came to Starfleet." He shook his head here. "I know they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I still can't believe how stupid we all were. Looking back, I don't know how I missed it. The result is a man with a fierce determination and a will to live that far outstrips anyone else."

Silence met that startling speech. Pike had known that Barnett cared for the young man, but he had never really heard his friend put it like that.

Finally, Archer nodded his head in agreement. "I admit it took me a while to get on board with the idea of a responsible Kirk, but he is a good man. And he's a great captain." He laughed, shaking his head now. "When the kid charged into my office demanding Scott as his chief engineer, he had me agreeing within two minutes, before I even realized what I was saying. Man's got a way with words. And as much as it pains me to admit it, Scott can definitely do more for Starfleet on the _Enterprise._ Although, it's just not as satisfying."

Pike and Barnett chuckled, remembering the circumstances leading up to the engineer landing himself a post on Delta Vega. Archer had been furious, and Pike was definitely surprised that Jim had managed to talk him into disbanding Scott's punishment upon their return to Earth.

With a sigh, Pike shuffled a few PADD's around on his desk, knowing he needed to get back to work; hopefully he'd be able to get everything done in time to meet Jim for dinner.

"We'll let you get back to work," Barnett said, standing up with a groan as he worked the kinks out of his back. Growing old definitely had its downsides.

Pike smiled. "Thanks for stopping by," he replied, leaning back in his chair. "And a word of advice: show him." At their silent questions, he elaborated, "Words don't mean much to Jim. Just continue to show him with actions. Eventually, he'll learn."

_Again, abrupt ending, right? Just one more chapter to go, and this story comes to an end! I can't believe I actually managed to finish it. Thank you all for staying with me this long, and please REVIEW!_


	21. Epilogue

**And so the story comes to a close. ****I can't believe it's over. Thanks for staying with me, and for reviewing, and motivating me to keep going. Happy 2013 everyone!**

**Disclaimer: not mine**

"Waiting for someone?"

Jim turned around and smiled at the sight of Kevin and Tom standing there, both looking completely at ease, though he could detect a bit of sadness coming from both men. His genius brain was able to guess that they were upset that he would be leaving, and they wouldn't be able to see him for a while.

"Of course," Jim replied, stepping forward and hugging first Tom, and then Kevin.

That action taken care of, Jim stepped back and lifted his duffel bag up higher, settling it on his shoulder.

Kevin looked more miserable, so Jim focused on him. "Come on, Kev, you're graduating in a few months, and then you'll meet up with us out there in the black. It's not that long."

Kevin looked up, smiling slightly. "I know," he replied, shuffling his feet and biting his lip. "I'm just…" He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

Jim nodded his understanding. It had been fifteen years the last time they had been separated; none of them wanted it to be that long again. "We'll keep in touch," he assured both men. "I promise."

Tom nodded. He trusted JT more than anyone, and when JT promised something, he meant it.

Jim looked away, smile widening as he saw his command crew heading towards them. Well, most of his command crew – Scotty was conspicuously absent, though he wasn't surprised. The _Enterprise_ was leaving shortly, and his chief engineer had probably not left the engineering deck in the last twenty-four hours.

McCoy, as usual, settled at Jim's side, half a step behind the captain's right shoulder. "You ready?" he asked quietly, studying his… well, he still wasn't quite sure what to call the man. Neither one really wanted to slap a label on what they had, just accepting that they were each other's everything, and leaving it at that.

Jim took in the doctor's searching expression, and smiled. "Yeah," he replied, just as softly.

McCoy, studying the man as closely as he was, was completely certain that he was telling the truth. The last week had passed in a whirlwind of make out sessions, meals with Pike, Tom, Kevin, and the command crew – and any combination thereof – and meetings and preparations for the redeployment of the _Enterprise_.

He and Jim had spent a lot of time together, exploring the new developments of their relationship. In many ways, it was like falling into an old routine. The two of them just fit: like puzzle pieces. They just made sense.

Jim turned back to Tom and Kevin, smile widening. "I'll see you soon, Kev," he promised, reaching out to hug the younger man again.

Kevin nodded as he pulled back, and the next minute, was saying goodbye to the rest of his future command crew. Chekov in particular, seemed sorry to have to leave his future colleague. They had spent a lot of time together in the last week, and he really liked Kevin.

Finally, the _Enterprise _crew had no more excuses, and no choice but to head into the hangar to be beamed aboard their ship, or risk being left behind – or at least, they had to leave or face a very irate Starbase Commander's complaints about their tardiness.

Jim turned back once more at the door to the hangar, waving to Tom and Kevin, who returned the gesture, both smiling serenely.

Turning back to enter the building, Jim felt his own smile stretch across his face. Amongst the hustle and bustle of people coming and going, he felt a sense of security. He couldn't wait to get back to the comforting hum of his ship. He couldn't wait to get back to the stars. Out there in the black, he felt at home. Surrounded by family, knowing that they would be there for him, always.

He felt McCoy's hand rest on his shoulder, and move down his arm comfortingly, until their hands were entwined. They came to a stop beside the transporter they were to use to return to the _Enterprise_.

The doctor shot the captain an inquisitive look, complete with raised eyebrow. Jim's reply was a brilliant grin that immediately made his entire command crew feel more at ease; that was the old Jim. The last week had been different for all of them, seeing a side of their captain they had never known before, learning more about their captain than they had ever thought possible. But he was getting better; it hadn't been easy, but they could see the effort he put into working through those issues, and they could see that it was working.

And here and now, they saw the proof. There wasn't a hint of a shadow in his eyes as he turned to face his CMO, pulling him forward and up onto the transporter. "Come on, Bones," he said cheerfully, "Let's go find an adventure!"

_A short little epilogue, to tie up a few loose ends. It's been a wild ride, and quite a lot of procrastination, but I finally made it! And once again, thank you all for sticking with me._

_Reviews are appreciated!_


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